Took a step back.

About an hour ago I took a step back in my overwhelmingness of this up and coming weekend and realized something. People have been telling me but I am slow and so much has been going on that I forgot about this part of my drama.

Larry left me.
Larry left the kids.

He might not think it this way but this is what happened. He walked out of this relationship wanting separation to see what he wanted because he was not happy and he left us and went to stay elsewhere to think about this all and he needs space and time to see if he can let me back in. But he really left me and the kids. I was taking this all personally and I should and I shouldn't. I honestly have given it my all to get us back together I would even forgive him for having feelings for another girl and for doing this to us. I get why he did honestly I do. But you know what?

He knows were I stand but he has decide whether to come back or not. But. He left me. He left me and the kids. I have given it my all to this point. He has to want to come back. He needs to want to come back. He left and he has to realize he wants back and it isn't up to me it is up to him. He has to show me he is in this to win it or not. I have done everything he needs to either get out or fight to get me and the kids back. Am I wrong about this? He has to bend over backwards and forwards to get back in this to want it for him, for me, for the family. If he doesn't that is his choice because he did this separation he got it this bad he wanted more time he wanted more space he wanted out and to be separate from me and the kids. He walked out. So he should do everything in his power to get back in or get out. Right? All I have to do is take care of my family and see what God brings? Right? I have done my all and Larry knows what I thought a week ago and now it is up to him to bring whatever to the plate. Am I thinking logically about this? I think I am. But I am so emotionally and physically in this I am not sure but at the moment I am all about being stronger and I think that Larry has brought so much out in the open that I have done my best to show him I love him and I have went to counseling that it is in his court and if he still loves me and wants to make this marriage work he needs to fight and want my love if not than he needs to let us go and make us both happy somewhere down the line. Right? So I took a step back again and realized that I deserve to feel loved. I have been showing Larry that I love him he should feel like a stallion and if he doesn't than he needs to let this go and let us both move on with our lives. And if he still loves me and is keeping it at bay than it is his lose cause he needs to fight for our marriage and not think about it so much cause I am ready to get to fixing it and making it better but if he isn't than it is his lose. I didn't leave he did and he needs to want to fight to get me back.

So I am back to saying "Bring it"! to Larry's time and space! I know I go back and forth on this but I am a girl I have feelings, emotions and longings. I am for my family being together but I don't know how long I can keep up this feeling I need some sign from Larry a text, and email, a call...something to keep me going and than I am good. But if Larry wants back he needs to work for it cause I am worth it! Right?! I didn't marry to just give it a chance I married for life I didn't do the first 7 years correctly according to all that I have been told so far but bring it! I can do the next 50 years! Now that I am getting help and I just have to have Larry on board and being honest and communicating and if he isn't than let me find closure so I can go on with my life with or without another man.