maid

I don't know how many times today I thought it would be VERY nice to have a maid! I still didn't get everything I needed done. Between playdoh on the floor and kitchen table and having to sweep up everytime the kids played with it and many loads of laundry that I still haven't folded all of it and the numerous times my house looked like a daycare and I picked up most of it I can say that I am tired and wish I had a maid.

puddles

We have been doing ALOT of puddle jumping the last two days. It is free. The kids both LOVE it and they could do it forever and it takes up alot of their energy and it is outside time. Probably not the safest thing for them to do with all the chemicals out there in the puddles on the roads and stuff but I am trying not to think about that. I just like to see them laugh, smile, jump, splash, and get very wet and smell like drowned rats. And Grace was so unhappy about being done she could have gone on forever. She cried all the way to the car and being told she would get a cookie, pasta, shower these all didn't work. And when we got home a shower made it all better. We have been in our pj's and comfyies all day with the exeption of putting on pants for our trial walk to jump in puddles but Grace I have to admit was in her pj's and boots I knew for a fact she was going to get messy so I didn't even change her when we left this am. Just put her in clean pj's after her shower. I see lots of rain boots in our future and lots of puddles thank goodness we live in Oregon. :)

love happens

Last night I stayed up to watch the movie Love Happens. It was pretty cute I liked it alot. DeOna recommended it and so I netflixed it and thought why not watch it tonight. So I did. It had so many good parts and made me think about when life sucks that in reality life could be worse and it is what you make of it and how you fix it and that it will be okay. Totally recommend it! It was filmed in Seattle and I thought it was filmed here in OC but I didn't see anything that looked like it. I know Jennifer Aniston did a movie here cause they had movie stuff across the street a couple years back. So if you want to enjoy a chick flick with your man this might be the movie for you cause DeOna's husband liked it to!

Happy Memorial Day! Today we are giong to go out and walk if it gets sunny and jump in puddles. My goal today is not spend any money and to clean both kids rooms and declutter their toys and give them to friends that need the toys and have babies coming up and go through the kiddos clothes and get down to the mattress on Hunter's bed to clean it of his pee since some nights I forget to put on a pull up and of course it is that night he isn't dry.

Going to try to take pictures today of the kiddos to get them more used to getting them taken especially together shots.

me.

I am trying to make me feel beautiful. I stopped trying in the past and didn't keep up with how I looked, not sure why not but that is the past and it is time for change, right? Today, I got my haircut. I have been trying to grow my hair long since last August. There was a reason I was but I am still doing it for that reason and I want to see how long I can get it this August. I also got my eyebrows waxed today. I haven't done this in years don't remember when not sure why I have grown them to earworms length but I did. I am working on me. I bought nail envy last week for my nails and trying to make them look nice and pretty. Going to try to wear makeup. Why not. My excuse is no time which is true but I am tired of looking at the bags under my eyes and everyone else probably is to. I am going to use my stash of makeup should buy new kind but gonna save and use what I got first. Going to try to keep my teeth whitened going to get into my teeth whitening stuff and if it is too old and expired than maybe check into how much it costs and save up for that. Been using lotions more trying to take the time to sit down and put it on with kids running around me only in diapers or underware why not they like to run around half naked anyways. So that is basically it gonna try to make myself feel beautiful and see how that works. Gotta work on me to be an example to the kids that they need to be comfortable with who they are and that has been a big problem for me. Not anymore going to try to make an effort to make me feel and look beautiful. Going to even make an effort to do yoga. Going to try to save money to take photo classes to feel like I can accomplish something I like and finish something. I hate pictures taken of me but I asked my mom to today with me and the kids. Here they are. Wish one person was in them but at least I am since I never really was cause I was taking the picture or didn't want to be taken a picture of but I am trying to be better. I really don't consider this a family picture just a picture of me and my kids. Enjoy these pics of me learning and working towards feeling beautiful by working on me and what makes me feel beautiful inside and out. :)

PS...I don't look great cause neither child nor myself wanted to sit still for these pictures that is why we aren't the best looking. Forced photos aren't for me and the kids but at least I tried. Hunter and I are both scowling in the picture of us. Nice. Grace wasn't going to sit still for the life of her.

Colbie Caillat

She is my new favorite singer! Anybody have her CD's that I can borrow? I promise to give them back! I have her on Pandora but would like to hear her in the car and house. What do you guys think of her do you like her or not? I have only heard a couple of songs but I like the words on her songs.

names

I am bored. Hunter isn't asleep yet and I can't read my book in the living room until he is asleep. So I thought why not share with you how the kiddos got their nicknames. I am into nicknames and I have given alot of my friends and family nicknames in the past but slowed down on them in the last few years. Not sure why just did. Anywho, the kiddos. Hunter got Hunter Bear from his Aunt Lindsey she has called him that since I think his birth. I think she started calling him her little bear and than she came up with Hunter Bear and it kinda stuck. So I didn't come up with that one. I still call him it everyonce in awhile especially if I keep getting on his case and keep calling him Hunter Thomas all day long cause he isn't listening or obeying I try to put it in there just for his sanity and mine. I have also called him Buddy since he was born and so does alot of the family. It just seems to fit any little boy I even call Nate that and almost every little boy that I have to give shots to or little guys that aren't happy at the clinic.

I gave Grace the name mouse. Not sure when but I think it was when she was born maybe even one of the days that it was just her and I in the hospital. She was so tiny when she was born that she looked like a tiny little mouse cause her head was full of black/brown hair and she had side burns to her cheeks and she was so small like a mouse. I guess I could have called her anything cause she was so small but mouse just fit. Some family calls her that to but mostly she gets called Gracie. I call her Grace more than Gracie not sure why but I do. But I call her mouse alot.

So there you go. The way my kids got their nicknames. Hunter is still awake so this is going to be a long night.

pigs

This morning the kids and I went and saw Riley and Spencer's pigs. They were showing them at the fair and we went and saw them and pigs, sheep, and cows. They had a great time. They held on to my hands like pros and listened and obeyed pretty well. I was impressed. Grace had never wore rain boots before and she was wearing Hunter's old ones and they were way to big on her so she walked alittle slower but she told me "I walk" and so I let her. Hunter had a blast! He wasn't sure about the animals at first but kept wanting to go see the pigs when we were seeing the other animals. He didn't want to touch them or go in their pins he was fine just looking at them. His eyes were huge and he wasn't missing a thing. He kept wanting to find Riley and Spencer when we went to look at the rest of the animals I think it was because he wanted to see the pigs. Now Grace is another story. She also was a pro but the pigs kinda scared her. They were almost as tall as her and they were noisy and screaming at some point. She was fine being held and being above the pigs and would say pig when asked what they were. We lost her boot at one point but found it and she didn't go far from Hunter and I. When we went to see the sheep and cows she knew what they were and was making their sounds. I of course was helping her with them. We went back to the pigs and I was trying to take their picture but I think Grace thought I was leaving her with the pigs cause I had to stand back to take her picture so she started crying. At one point we had stopped to look at a very, big black and white pig and he came up to the fence and Grace was watching him and all of a sudden he sneezed and she jumped and had a major melt down cause it scared her. She was done with the pigs. We went and found Riley and Spencer at the pig show ring and said goodbye. Grace found a small puddle and started splashing a first for her cause normally when I take Hunter and her for a walk for him to go jump in puddles she is in the stroller. Not this time. She knew exactly what to do. There was this huge puddle that Hunter went to and had a blast and I just let Grace go in it to. Yep, she fell down on her butt got all wet and Hunter splashed so much that both kids were soaked from the puddle but I knew I had a change of clothes in the car. I didn't think they would be drowned rats so we went and saw Pa and he let the kids use his shower and bath and they were happy, clean kiddos. Here are some pics and you can tell who enjoyed the pigs and who didn't. :) Every picture Grace is not happy and that is why her head is down.

Don't they look so cute in their raincoats, rainboots, and hats?! To bad all of those items have to washed because of puddle fun! Oh well kids will be kids.

playing!

The kids and I have been playing, playing, playing. Long weekend ahead and I am a little scared of it but I think I have alot of house work, laundry, watching chick flicks, reading my book,and playing in my future for the next 3 days. I finally am taking pictures.

We played with Leggo's. I actually had these hidden for awhile cause I didn't want Grace to eat them so I think this was her first time playing with them.

Yes, Grace is putting a leggo in her mouth! She didn't after that though. Playing with AquadoodlePlaying with banks and quarters.

Here is some artwork that the kiddos have done and I put them on the kitchen door. Ladybugs and tulips. Two of my favorite things. Don't the ladybugs look huge like spiders? Love ladybugs not a fan of spiders, though.

Strange...

Hunter went to bed again at 8:45pm and Grace is asleep and I think he will be soon! This is getting too strange! What am I to do with all this free time?! Hunter usually doesn't fall asleep until 9:45pm what am I to do with an hour? I went to bed last night right after I posted my last post but couldn't fall asleep my mind was just thinking, dreaming, wishing, wondering, and stressing. Wanna hear something else strange? Misha. She must be getting into her adolescent years cause she stopped pooing on the porch a few months back and now she hangs out in the rain on the porch. This dog would not go outside even to go to the bathroom if it was raining and she used to hate walking in wet grass. Tonight she spent almost 2 hours hanging out in the rain on the porch. Yes, she is a wet, smelling dog right now but she seems pretty happy. No she still isn't eating to par but at least she doesn't let her food wait a week in the bowl. She is almost down to the last of her food in the bin and I now know what Peaches eats so Misha better start eating!

joe-joe's

These are Trader Jo's Oreo's. The kids love them. Hunter eats them up whole, but for some reason and I didn't teach her this Grace takes them apart and eats the middle. She is pretty funny goes for the best part. I tried to get the kids to drink the carrot/apple juice cruishers from Trader Jo's but Hunter tried it first and said yuck so you know what Grace did cause he did it. Bought two boxes looks like Cousin Nate gets the other box and hope he likes them. I try so hard to get veggies in these kids and try to use all my resources but nope didn't work. Thanks Jessi for the info though! I even tried giving them Z-bars that my mom got for me for them and nope they were not into them. Going to try for round 2-3 this weekend.

Also, both kids are in bed and I think asleep and it is 9:00pm! They both headed to their beds at 8:45pm! Hunter has two girls he played with today that he seemed to enjoy and Ma and I told him they would be there tomorrow so he needed to go to bed early. Being reminded this evening must have triggered him to go to bed when I told him Grace was! If only this could happen every night. :)

candles

I love candles. There is something about rain and candles. I had used up all my candles that I had around the house that I had to get my candle stash that I put away when I decluttered my house so now I have some more to burn! I think a person can not have too many candles. I just checked my phone and it is supposed to rain all week so I see myself using up alot of wax this week. I also have 2 fake candles that I got for Christmas it was a 3 piece set but one of the kiddos lost the battery back and I had to toss it cause it was a battery hazard waiting to happen and Grace was chewing the side. But I have two on a timer and I love them! I hope Costco gets them again this year cause I would love to get more! Nothing better than a fake candle to light up on its own and light for hours and be safe for kiddos.

I still haven't taken out my camera yet. Hopefully tomorrow I do. Not sure why I am gun shy about it. I messed it up at my class and I am not sure how to fix it other than take the next class that is a two nighter to see if the guy will tell me how to make it better. Maybe will see.

Gonna get the fabric out of the pantry tomorrow. Thought about it at work today and meant to do it when I got home but my Costco run was long and Grace wasn't happy with the trip so I forgot about the pantry other than tossing Costco stuff in it. I love a full house of food and kid stuff to have on hand. I also like to see how long I can last on what I have and see if I can not go to the store other than to buy milk, which I seem to do every 3 days I am buying 2 jugs. My kids love milk and I am trying to drink more of their Vit D milk to cause why not?

I am reading Red Tent. I am still trying to figure out who is who and when a book has more than 3 names to remember I get lost. It doesn't help that their is 4 wives in it. Crazy but someone recommended it for me and I am borrowing the book. Kiddos are in bed and I am deciding if I should watch Food Revolution or not I have two more episodes. Or start watching Love Happens that I netflixed, DeOna recommended it. Decisions.

Misha has had the same food in her bowl for probably a week I don't even remember the last time I put food in it. Is she dieting? No. Stress? Maybe. More food that she can steal from Grace? Probably. Sick of her food and likes Peaches food better? Probably. Picky dog. Stealing the cats food cause she knows where it is at now? Yes. Dang dog. I am going to toss the food in her bowl right now and give her fresh and she better eat it! No Peaches food until she is down to nibbles in her food bin. I love her to death but she is on my budget plan. Eat what you got than you can try something new. If I tell her that maybe she will start eating again :)

potty

Cousin Nate sits on the potty now and I thought why not try Grace on it. Big mistake. The kiddos were going to take a shower and when she was all naked I put her on it and she sat on the toliet like a pro and I thought she would go but I asked her and she said no and wanted paper but in her words and was pointing to the toliet paper. When and where did she learn this? From Hunter from daycare from hanging out with me in the bathroom? So I gave her a piece and she knew what to do and than wanted more. But she needed a shower so I put her in it with Hunter. When she was done she wanted "to sit" and went to the toliet so I thought why not. She did the same as above with no pee and I messed up her world and took her off to get her pj's on and she was in an uproar cause she wanted "to sit". When she was dressed I put her on the lid of the toliet which was cool for 1/2 a minute and than she got off and tried to get the toilet seat up and was unhappy with me cause I said no and she threw a fit and wanted "to sit". What have I created?! Will see how tomorrow goes but I think she and Nate might get trained way before Hunter did. He is doing awesome with pottying. He hasn't had any accidents that I know of and I still put him in a pull up at night but will stop when I run out of those. He is such a big boy and I can't believe that maybe Grace will be there before she is two will see. Where did my babies go? Where did the time go? Is this why I have gray hair in certain areas? Must be. Gotta jet I am eating whoppers they are my new candy of choice to get my weight back on. Wore my bathing suit the other night and it didn't fit and almost fell off. Not cool. Whoppers and milkshakes here I come. :)

My daughter is a pro now at saying the word "no". She even shakes her head no when she says it. And she knows what it means and when she means no she means it. Where did my sweet baby go and when did she become such a big girl?

No more highchairs :(

I just cleaned up the last highchair we had in the house. I am trying to sell it on craigslist for $50 so if anyone needs one let me know I got pics and everything! We do have a wooden chair for the kids can't remember the name but Grace kept slipping down it and hitting her head on every level till she got to the floor and it is still a little to big for her. I had to put it in the shed. So we have four regular chairs at the table and Grace sits on her knees and Misha loves it cause food falls on the floor more. It is so weird not to have anymore highchairs in the house. I sold the one we had with Hunter that we used with Grace a month or so ago on craigslist so I am hoping the one my mom had that Grace liked better will sell too! You know your kids are big when you don't have highchairs anymore. :(

We planted seeds this morning on the porch. When I got the booda dome cat litter boxs for the cats I accidently got 2 bases by mistake they were stuck together so I was going to return it but I didn't my bad. I used it as a potting source and Hunter put the dirt in and we used his Burgerville Garden lettuce seeds and filled it up. Hopefully it will come out with a lovely arrangement of lettuce. Will see. We also potted sunflowers in the little pots that came with the kids meal at Burgerville. The kids had fun planting and now the pots and "cat litter bottom" are hanging out on the porch table waiting to be watered by rain and than Hunter says they need sun after that.

I am thinking about getting all my fabric out and doing something with it to get rid of it and clean up those bins to use for other things. Just an idea will see if it happens and if I can sew with two very curious monkey's

I love Tamales! Especially from Trader Jo's. Grace and I went today and she would not sit in the cart I had to carry her. My poor arm. I think it was because we didn't have Hunter with us it was just a date with me and my girl. I got my Munster cheese, frozen Tamales, and new dog treats for Misha and we were set. I would have got more but between holding Grace, my big purse, and a basket of stuff my trip was quick. Now I am eating my Tamale, yummy.

must clarify...

when I said I wasn't comfortable finacially with the kids I didn't mean that Larry isn't giving us money he is he is giving us what he can to keep us going. I was meaning that once I am on my own and I have to make finacial decisions on my own about the money I have is very stressful to me because I do not want to make a mistake and I want to make sure I do it right for me and the kids. Larry does provide he does give money I just want to clarify that. It is me that is scared that I do my budgeting and planning correctly. Me, me, me I meant me.

No more saddness

From now on I will not put anymore saddness about me on my blog. It will be pictures of the kids and what they are doing and info about things I like or am doing. I apologize to family and friends for venting and letting my feelings out in my blog it is just making it worse for all the family and everyone.

Food Revolution episode 104

Very, hard, emotional day. But it is almost done. I want you all to know I fought hard for my marriage the last 5 months. I made a ton of mistakes the last 8 years of my marriage. I didn't listen, I didn't show feelings or emotions well, I didn't communicate well. But I also know that Larry had issues too. But I know what I did wrong. I was willing to fix me. I was willing to fix us. This weekend I tried to show Larry I changed and I am a better person I have a better self image I know more about sex, emotions, love, touch, feelings everything I didn't do that I should have done I laid it all out to show him we could do this. It didn't work. I hurt him to much and it didn't crack him. I am very embarrased about how much I had showed him I changed. I am very embarrased that he rejected me and cannot see that anything is possible if you make an effort to fix it. All I wanted was a date to see if we could do it. The new me wasn't enough I had already done enough damage to not make it work. I wish I could change time I wish I could have been a better wife I wish I could have made Larry happy. I wish I could show him we can make this work if we both get help to fix our issues it could work. But I keep getting hurt and I keep giving and he isn't going the same speed as me. I wish I could wait forever for him to make up his mind but he doesn't know what will make him come back or how he can. So I am embarrased, hurt, and sad. But I know that I can do this. I know that if Larry doesn't want me maybe in 10 years someone will. I would love to see us back together in a few months or years but I don't even know if he will ever be able to do it and I can't wait on him anymore. I am not worth it to be saved. That hurts but I know in my heart I am I just wish he would see that. So we move forward with the divorce because I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with this anymore. I do not want to give up my kids I don't want to do this divorce I want to save my family of four but I am backed to a corner and I don't want limbo. In my heart when Larry gets served papers I don't want him to sign them I don't want him to let us go but I can't decide that for him. I can't make him do anything anymore this is all up to him and what he wants. I love the guy to death even with everything that has happened and now I have to learn to let him go. That is very tough for me. Very tough. I don't want to do this. I don't want to divorce I don't want to start this evil stuff but I have no choice cause Larry isn't fighting for me he isn't showing me any action to fix us I thought he was but he backed off. I am so sorry I hurt him I am so sorry that I did this to him and that we are were we are at. I didn't mean to do any of this. But I want to be with a man who is happy with life, who is happy with me, who is happy with the kids. I was just hoping that was going to by Larry, the man I married. So I survived today. I cried alot. I cried the most I ever had at work. I saw way to many patients that know me and I didn't even tell them anything even though they asked if I was ok. I wasn't I am embarrased that I got rejected I know that this is what Larry probably felt for 8 years so I deserve it I know but it sucks and I am so sorry that he felt this way cause I don't like it at all. But I have to deal with it and realize that for some reason this is happening to me and my future scares the living hell out of me. I am scared of my debt, scared I will never get out of this house but that is ok I have come to the realization that I am not going to make it to Canby. Larry can live there and that frustrates me but I just have to be thankful I have a roof over my head. I have to now make sure that I make the right financial decisions for the rest of my life and make sure me and the kids are ok financially that is a huge burden. But I know I can do it I have to cause this is my job now. Enough of this sad crap.

After the kids went to bed I finally wateched an episode of Food Revolution number 104. I cried. It was so emotional for me cause the radio guy got on board. Very big. I was smiling through the whole thing. Then I realized that I was once again alone watching a show on the computer and I was ok. I had my babies with me and I was alone. I hate being alone but I gotta just deal with it. This is how it is going to be. I don't see myself trusting a guy anytime soon so this is how my life will be for a really long time. I took pictures of my kids sleeping again cause they are the reason I was fighting for me and Larry. They are the reason I keep going everyday. They are the reason that I wake up and try to make it through the day knowing their papa does not want to be with me. They don't listen but they do love me to death and I need alot of love right now since I feel rejected and I will take their love anyday. I messed up with their dad and I hope I don't mess up with them. They are my life and I hope that the love I can't show Larry that I can give to them even double. I don't want what is going to happen in my life and theirs but I have no choice I am doing it so I can be happy, Larry can be happy or find a way to be happy, and for them to realize they have two parents who love them to death and didn't mean this to happen to them. I really don't want this to happen I honestly don't I hope you all believe me but Larry is the only one to make it stop because I messed up with him in the past and I hurt him so much and I didn't realize I was but I should have and I can't fix this by myself he has to get to a point where he is happy and I just wanted to show him maybe it was fixable. We have two beautiful children and I know why he did this. But I have to learn to let him go and I don't know how to do that and I hope that this all works out for the best for everyone I just don't like what is to come.

So sleep well my babies I am going to try not to cry anymore and give you 100% and I will be so sad when you are not with me and I love you both to pieces and I am so sorry for the part that I have done to our family. I do love your papa and I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life.

I am very sad. Why do the men/boys in my life not listen to me? Larry doesn't and Hunter doesn't. I just wish that they would. I know that Hunter is in his terrible 3's and at this stage kids don't listen but it doesn't help that I have to deal with Larry on top of it. Why can't they do what I say? Why do they have to not trust my judgement and say no and fight me with everything. They both do this to me right now! Is that too much to ask to just do what I say? Guess so. I just want men/boys to listen to me. I am very, very, very sad but I will get better with time. I wronged Larry in the past and I can't do this anymore with what he is thinking and saying to me. Hopefully, my future Hunter starts listening to me cause I just want someone that I love to and I don't want to fight him with everything that I want him to do or with what he wants to do when I tell him no to something.

leaping

I am alive. I am in limbo again and don't like it. I hate this. So to make it stop I have to stop trying, giving, and showing to Larry. I am done. It is in his court and if he doesn't figure it out than I have my answer. I am toast I am fried and I just want to get action from him and I don't think I will I thought maybe I would. I thought maybe he would see the new me and like what he has and fix him, fix us, fix our marriage, fix our family and be a family with us and make an effort to make this work. If I don't see an effort than I am not doing this anymore. I have to take a step back and see what he does if he doesn't give than I am not giving anymore and I am done. There is someone out there if it isn't Larry that will show me I am worth it and that he likes what he sees and thinks that I am hot enough to fight for and show that he wants to be with me and wants to call me, text me, email me and be with me. If it isn't going to be Larry than I am all for someone new cause I deserve to be loved. I know I didn't show Larry love but I have been trying, and trying to show him I get it now but now we have a huge mess in the middle of it all but I am willing to help fix it if he can get help for him, get help for us, and get rid of the girl. If he can't than I am all for finding someone who will give me and the kids 100%! I have learned so much about myself, love, sex, emotions in the last 5 months and I am ready to use it and I explained this all to Larry and I don't know if it is even made a dent. I am ok with whatever way this goes. I am all for my marriage but if he isn't than I am all for a new life of happiness with me and the kids. I will be ok either way this goes. I am not scared to be alone anymore. I am excited to either have Larry on board to fix this mess and learn from the mistakes or find a new guy in the future to show all that I have learned about myself and life in the last few months. I just want Larry to keep taking a leap and move forward with whatever. He took a leap for joint counseling so why not keep leaping forward and fix us? Leap Larry leap! If not your going to miss out on something good! If any of you read my blog and see him, text him, email him, or go to lunch with him tell him to leap and get out of limbo! Your either for your marriage or not! Figure it out! Keep leaping! If not your going to be 100% for fixing your marriage than leap out of it. I have leaped so much and now I am stepping back and taking a break and see what happens and hopefully get answers and than I will either proceed with the divorce or not. If I get no answers than I have my answer and I am all for a new life with my kids. So yes I am alive but in limbo but I put myself in it and I can take myself out at anytime I am just giving Larry some time to think about what I have said, done, and request.

tomorrow

Tomorrow Larry comes home.
Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting and stressing for.
Tomorrow scares me.
Tomorrow is unknown to me.
Tomorrow is the day that Larry was to be served papers.

Things have changed.
My life is back in limbo, but I am ok with it.
Things are unknown.
Maybe Larry finally is listening and finally understanding.
Maybe we can be fixed and he is willing to see.

Tomorrow Larry comes home.
Tomorrow we will see what the next chapter brings.
I know that I am stronger and Larry needs friends and family.
We need prayer.

I fought for 5 months.
I filed for divorce.
And now Larry comes home tomorrow.
And he has turned and might be listening to me.
And now what do I do?
I need prayer.
I know what I wanted and now he is willing to see if it maybe it can be fixed.

Larry comes home tomorrow.
And I am scared and happy at the same time.
I have no clue what will happen
only time will tell.

He needs to change.
I changed.
So much has happened since Christmas
and now we are where we are now.
He comes home tomorrow
and I hope he sees what he wants to fight for
I hope he knows what he wants and figures it out soon.

Larry comes home tomorrow.
and only time will tell if our marriage will be fixed or not.

We need prayer.

I am alive

I am here. I am just trying to figure out life. I am trying to get through each day. Not going to talk about my drama though. Sorry I am still working on it. The kids haven't let me sleep much the last few days and neither have the animals. I hope to get some sleep tonight. I have been up since 12:30am with Misha and than Grace and Hunter tagged teamed me back and forth since 3:30am and I was able to get some sleep but not sure how much but I was up more than I was asleep. My plan is to give Grace more fiber, yogurt, more water, and more fruits and hope that makes her belly happy and doesn't start making her upset at 3:30am which wakes up her brother and than he is all demanding. I would love my alarm clock on my phone to wake me up instead of kids and animals. That is my dream. Grace is getting better at her ABC's and she can show you where your nose, eyes, ears, and belly button are at. She is one smart cookie. She is growing her 2nd molar through right now. Hunter loves to plant and loves seeds and loves anything garden. He got a new book today from Nana that he loves it is all about seeds, flowers, and growing. He is in heaven with it. I am having fun potty training him and hanging out with him in the bathroom as we discuss who poos and who doesn't. I am learning to talk more about human body parts and that it is ok to talk about them and Hunter is making me more comfortable about them. Who would have known that my son would help me in this area. So yes I am alive and yes I am doing alright and yes we are doing fine.

done.

Mother's day done. It was a great one. I had so many texts, surprises, coffee, flowers and I got to hang all day with my little loves. I got a dozen (i think) yellow roses from my mom and Wayne from the kids. Love them. I also got a hand-made coffee cup that has my kids coloring on it and it says I love mama that my mom had the kids make. Love, love, love it. It was a good day. Thank you everyone for making me feel like a great mom with your texts and calls and special gifts that the kids gave me. I feel loved.

Today was overwhelming there is so much behind the scene about this divorce that I am not even blogging about. Just know that divorce is evil especially when you don't want to do it and when you are doing it for the person you love and the person that is hurting you and not fixing the marriage and is walking away from it. It is so evil that just doing the behind work to get the horrible papers served is enough to just make me want to stop it all. I don't want to serve Larry papers. I don't. I think it is horrible it means 8 years of what I had is going away and it isn't what I want but what I have to do for Larry to be free of me because I don't think he can do it. Why? I think it is because of the kids. He doesn't want to have to decide how little or how much time he gets with them and how much or how little I get of them. It is all about the kids. I don't want to do this divorce because I don't want to do this to the kids. I don't want to loose any time I have with them and I don't want to have to decide how much time he gets and how much time he looses. I think he is having me do this because than I will have the final say on the kids. I don't want to give them up but I know they need their dad and I hope I make the best decision for us all. I also am having a hard time giving up Larry. I know that sounds stupid but it is so hard not to wonder what he is doing if he has found another person to be happy with or if he is just as unhappy as I am. In regards to this divorce I have not told a person what my plan is about the kids no one knows I know what I want to do will see if my lawyer is ok with it and than the next person will be Larry. This is between me and him and as evil as it all is we got to where we are and we have to fix the mess we are in and if I have to be the one that does the divorce to get the mess fixed to make him happy then that is what I am doing. I have to put Larry aside and think of what is best for me and the kids. Larry put me aside when he decided to do what has happened. And that is where I am at today in the middle of evil called divorce. I want whoever reads my blog to never ever get your marriage or relationship this bad! I want you to communicate, love, listen, show feelings, show emotions, talk, laugh, argue, and breathe each other in because don't even think of doing divorce it is not worth it someone will get hurt, someone will have a better life, the future is so unclear that it isn't worth not giving your marriage another chance. In the midst of all this I have to move on and I don't know how to do that yet. Friends say start a hobby. That is kinda hard right now when I am trying hard not to spend a penny. It all goes into saving Larry and I from a short sale to the bank in regards to selling this house. I think this goal will go south but I am giving it my all until I can't do it anymore. I have raised enough money to sell our house at the new price I dropped it to. Now I have to save for the next drop and hopefully the tax return comes soon and hopefully Larry doesn't touch what I have saved when the divorce gets to the part about money. I am not sure how much he will have to help once we get to that part I have double what he gave me to start with. All that I have saved has been from what he has given us from working in Canada and from selling stuff and from budgeting and not buying much and from saving every little bit that I can. I have even turned off the heat and my house has gotten to 66 degrees I know that isn't much but I am so used to it being 70 that I am freezing sometimes but I have learned extra clothing and bundle ling the kids in warm pj's help. I am about being in crunch zone when it comes to budgeting to get this house sold even if it means waiting a year to get it sold. Not my ideal goal but I hope to have a better picture of where I am at financially when this divorce is final than I can see were we are at with the house. If I have to give it up to the bank than so be it but I am trying to save our credit and our future. Just another issue on top of all the other stuff that I am taking care of. Yes, my hair is turning grey in certain areas and I hope that it doesn't all turn grey in the next few months. Need serious prayer this week not sure what is going to happen I just know that I have to look at evil stuff tomorrow and deal with that and continue on with the new chapter in my life. I just wonder if it even bothers Larry that I have filed and if it is finally hitting him what is happening. He still has the final say in this whole thing. He could decide not to sign the papers and fight for his family. Will see if he does. It is all about his happiness he started this he can finish it I am just paving the way for him to help him. Cause that is what I do I do things for people to make their lives better and hopefully in the end it will make me. Crazy I know but that is just me. Yes, I am stronger, yes I have changed and yes I can do this but it doesn't mean I like it cause I don't. My past is past I am thinking of the future and it looks pretty scary to me.

Pictures from the Zoo today

Isn't it crazy I didn't take any pictures of any animals? Just pictures of my two, two footed kiddos.

Mother's Day

It is here. I am halfway done with Mother's day and it has been a really good one so far. Yes, Larry texted me this morning and said Happy Mother's day and that I am a great mom and to take good care of the two angels. Meant alot that he texted I honestly didn't think he would. Makes this whole mess a little easier knowing that he thinks I am a great mom.

Than I got a shower and both kids were grumpy with me for it. I told them we would go to the zoo! Hunter was excited. I wanted to do something with them that would take up most of my morning. Than I got a text from Corey wanting to know what Starbucks drink I wanted! Oh my gosh was I in heaven! Corey, Lindsey, and Nate brought me Starbucks and a sweet card and flowers saying they were from the kids. Can I tell you that just having someone do that for me was awesome! It was what Larry did for me in the past brought coffee and flowers and it just made my Mother's day complete and I realized I didn't need it to come from Larry it could come from anyone! Thank you guys! Last week my mom gave me a photo book of the kids for Mother's day it is super cute and I love it. On Friday, Teath and her kids came to see me at lunch and brought me a Starbucks card to get a free drink and I used it up yesterday after taking the kiddos for a walk with Misha and Hunter splashed in puddles. I had a blast with the kids at the zoo and it wasn't difficult doing it alone as I thought it would be. I finally saw the predator section that was being built the last time I was there. The kids have seen it with Larry but I hadn't yet. The lions were so cool! It reminded me of the Lion King cause they were all on these two rocks that were stacked on top of each other. We just go home a little bit ago and we are all of to naps soon and than to my mother's for BBQ. It has been a great Mother's day and I got texts from alot of my girlfriends today and it made it even better! Thanks everyone for making my Mother's day special.

I wonder...

I know 3 posts in one day but it has been so emotional for me this weekend with Larry's birthday, divorce paperwork crap I have to do, and mother's day tomorrow, Larry coming home next week, and that is just a few things I got on my plate that my mind, spirit, and heart is just in a flutter. Kids are asleep and I have Pandora on with my music on Keith Urban probably a bad choice cause it is all about love songs. I was thinking to myself as the kids and animals are asleep I wonder if...Larry even thinks of me? I wonder if Larry flew over to the other side of Canada to be with the girl he has feelings for this weekend on his one day off? I wonder if he calls her everyday? I wonder if he even thinks any of the stuff he has done hurts me? I wonder if he even thinks of me at all? I wonder what would have happened if he even gave me one day to change cause from the new information I figured out I don't think I even had an option from day one. I wonder if he thinks he made a mistake? I wonder if he even likes the new me since yes I did change and yes I did listen he just had to hit me hard enough to make it hurt. He says he doesn't know who I am and I wonder if he is even impressed with it? I wonder if he will ever be happy knowing he will not be with his kids 24/7 like he thought when they were born? I wonder if he even regrets what he did? I wonder if he is truly happy with the girl and if they are still together? I wonder if she even knows who he is and that yes he has a wife and two kids? I wonder if she is ok with that? I wonder if Larry will move to Canada to be with her? I wonder if he will ever think we could ever work again? I wonder if he even thought how much this all would hurt me and affect me? I wonder if he even knew how much responsibility I would have to take over because of what he did and what he needed to get to achieve happiness? Does he not realize that I have to take care of all of the mess and make it all better with the kids, animals, house, and let him have his new life since he couldn't do the divorce? This is all things I think about all the time. I know I shouldn't but it is all still fresh and I have no clue what he is doing and if he is happy or sad. All I know is that I am taking care of everything and everybody here while he works in Canada for us and I am very thankful for that but I have nothing other than that. I don't even get told when he comes home I just have to count out the days on the calendar and figure it out on my own. I am just the mother of his kids and I am trying my best to get out of his life so he can continue with his new one since this is what he wanted. Frustrating and maddening but I don't think he really thought about me when this all happened and how it would affect me it was all about making himself feel happy and not giving me a real chance to change. So I wonder what he thinks now? What if he did give me a chance in the end to change? What if he didn't get close to this girl? What if our family could have been saved? What if he realized that the new me was worth saving for? Not going to happen I know but sometimes I wonder. What if?

The other night we went to Red Robin for Wayne's birthday and I saw a hockey game on the TV. I was already sad cause of all the families around with their 2 kids and parents having fun that I just glanced at the TV and thought. What if I met a hockey player guy in 2 years who was the nicest gentleman in the world and he treated me the way I want to feel right now made me feel beautiful and loved and what if he loves my kids and what if I was happy with him? I love hockey and I would love Hunter to love playing it and learn to play but wouldn't it just be so cool to find a hockey player who wasn't a player type guy that loved me and my kids and we were all happy? And also kicked Canada teams butts! It was a nice dream as I was watching the game for a few minutes but it put a smile to my face cause maybe that is why Larry is doing all this to let me find true happiness since he thought I wasn't happy. A girl can dream when she is feeling sad right? So I wonder...

Hunter, who makes me smile.

Who makes me be a mother and teaches me what I need to do and challenges me to teach him the right way and hopefully someday he will be an awesome man and grow up being just as loving as he is now but maybe less stubborn. :) Who by the way is 90% potty trained! No accidents in days and has been pooing in the toilet everyday. I still put a pull up on him when he goes to bed at night cause I have to transition him into not drinking so much milk at night. Baby steps but we are so close! He makes his mama so proud that him and I have almost got him potty trained! Just got to be dry in the morning and we have it!

Grace, who makes me laugh.

Who learns from me and Hunter and I hope that I teach her to be girly enough and that she grows up knowing that she is not going to be as stubborn as her brother. :) Who can repeat almost every word you say. Who knows how to sing the ABC's and sings it in her way. Who can be happy one second and be grumpy Grace in seconds. Who can scream/yell louder then her brother didn't think it was possible but she did/does it!
These two are why I am celebrating being a mother. I love them to pieces and I am scared to death that I am not going to do this parenting stuff right. I am very thankful everyday that God gave these two energenic kiddos but I would be alone and bored if He didn't.

Being with them and seeing them smile and laugh makes me laugh and smile and that is all I need for Mother's day. I don't need there papa to do that for me, right? I just have to remind myself that all day tomorrow.

I can do this right?!

Once again I keep asking myself this question. I get overwhelmed so much and it is usually when I am by myself. I hope that this overwhelmingness stops soon. It is the loneliness that gets me, it is the stress of doing it on my own that gets me, it is the budgeting, money, house issues, taking care of the animals, taking care of me, using everything I already have and not buying stuff cause I want it that gets to me, wondering what Larry is doing that gets to me, watching Food Revolution by myself and wondering if Larry would be on board with the kids eating healthier that gets to me, being alone gets to me, housework gets to me, silence gets to me, screaming kids gets to me and so much more. Some hours I wonder if I can even do this and some hours I just say bring it. I just want this weekend to be done and next week to be done I don't like any of this and I didn't bring it on myself I just want what I had and what was taken from me. And I know I can't have it back because it has been ruined and Larry isn't on board to fix it. I just want to be happy and I want to make sure I can do this all right. Why is it what Larry decided to do makes my whole life have to change when I didn't even know it was going on? I just hope I can do this and I keep asking myself if I even can. I have to be the stronger person and there is alot on my shoulders and I don't even want it to be. This day is halfway done and than it will be Mother's day. I got to make it through that holiday and it used to be a happy day and I am going to try my best to make it a happy day I have two beautiful children that call me mommy that make it a special day for me it is just the one person that makes it even better and shows me that I am a good mother will probably not even give acknowledge me on this day. That is what makes me sad.

Made a bad day into a good night

My kids are my life and they make me smile and laugh all I have to do is take a deep breathe look at them and just breathe them in and hang out with them and they make it all better. Bad day turned into a good night. Got evil stuff in the mail made me cranky and when I took a breathe and just hung out with my kids the evil went away in a bag to be dealt with later in the weekend. I did a load of laundry with Hunter and made dinner for the kids and when I was cleaning up I burned a candle put on Pandora and gave the kids bags to put animals in to carry around and it became a fun night. They had a great time with the bags and than I brought out food my mom brought and they played with the cans and boxes of food together and were so excited I got excited with them. I was done cleaning and decided to make cookies and Hunter helped. We decided to make them for papa's birthday and I took a picture and sent it to Larry's phone no response but that is ok. He called earlier this am saying thanks for having the kids call so at least I got a thank you. Hunter was very excited to make them for him. I am not the meanest person in the world. I have to keep Larry in my kids life even though I don't want to cause he is hurting me so much but I have to so I might as well show Larry what it would be like if he had his family and kids again. After cookies were done we just hung out and played tents and forts with the white throw blankets and just hung out. It was a good night I was even dancing like a crazy woman to some songs on Pandora with a smile on my face. Grace and Hunter both went to sleep around 8:45pm which is unusual for both kiddos. Late for Grace very early for Hunter but I wasn't going to stop them. I was going to let them both stay up late just for the fun of it since it is Mother's day weekend. I am having a very hard time with Mother's day coming up. My first one knowing I am going to be a single mom. In the past I knew that Larry would make me feel special for being a mother but I don't think I will get that this year or the next few years to come. No more flowers no more things that husbands do to make mom's feel special. Makes me sad. From now on my mother's day will be being a single mom and that depresses me more than I can write about. But I know that my kiddos love me and I get to hang out with them all day and show them that I love them both to pieces and they are my life and they are my loves. They make a bad day into a good day. Enjoy these pictures that I finally took from tonight and I also took some the other day of Grace sitting on the counter looking like such a big girl!

How my bad day turned into a good night...
This is how this went down. Grace was cranky and I said how about we get a bag and find Big Bird. She didn't like this. So I said well why don't we find owl? She finally went along with this and stopped being cranky and hand in hand we went to my room and found owl and Big Bird. Well Hunter followed and wanted to have a bag to put animals in so I went back to the kitchen and got him a bag and they both put animals in it. Here is Hunter getting his rocket to put in his bag (Fred Meyer grocery bag) since he already had Grace's rocket in his bag.

Here they are with their bags full of animals. Notice Grace has her Elmo that is a hand-me down of Hunter's. They both put their bags on their shoulder like mama puts her purse on her shoulder. :)

Hunter wanted me to take a picture of him putting his rocket in his bag but it was too full he said to put rocket out.

He wanted me to take a picture of his bag full of stuffed animals. So why not? So I did. Made his day. :)Here is Grace with her girly Fred Meyer bag with no animals in it yet.Here she is on mama's bed taking out Big Bird and Elmo and anything else that was in her bag. She was done with it being full.She was getting upset cause she couldn't get Big Bird out cause his leg was stuck to the Velcro. Pretty funny she was getting madder and madder cause she couldn't get him out! :)

Hunter wearing his new pj's from Nana that say Don't bug me! He wanted me to take a picture of him and his bag.Here is a picture of Hunter making Papa birthday cookies. I was trying to be a good person a do this for the kids and Larry to keep him in their lives. Not sure if Larry will take it that way. I am not mean I am just human and this is me and this is how I work. Making people happy. Hunter had a blast and he knew it was Papa's birthday so why not do something for Papa even if he isn't here, right?

Playing with the cans and food my mother brought from the church food bank. No, I really don't need this food but yes it does help cause I don't have to buy these items. Do I feel guilty getting them yes cause I know that there are people out there with or in worse shape than we are but since I have been trying not to buy much it does help. The kids had a blast with the food cans an food boxes and I still had them in the bag that my mom brought them in. They dragged them all over the living room and put them in their play kitchen. It was nice to see them playing together and being nice at the same time.

Hunter making me some pasta. He loves to cook! The kids put the cans and food boxes in the cupboards and fridge and stove. They had a blast!

Is it me or does Grace look like a 2 year old in this picture? Look she even kept her hair pretties in her hair! Yes she is holding a night light but she loved it and I was trying so hard not to let her put it in her mouth but just remember I was also trying to get used to even putting her on the counter. Big step for me. She loved it.Not good I know but after I took this picture I took the night light away from her. Where did my baby go and when did she become a big girl?

So that was my bad day turned into a good night with some pictures of Grace from a week or so ago. I survived Larry's birthday and I just have Mother's day to go. I can do this. Hope you enjoyed the pictures of my kiddos. It was a good night. I might go watch some more Food Revolution now. Well see.

Happy 36th Birthday to Larry and I wish him the best and I hope he finds the happiest he is looking for.

hard day

Today is larry's birthday. The kids and I called and left him messages on his phones with birthday songs and birthday wishes he didn't pick up. How do you make these days easier? How do you turn off the caring button. I am not sure why it bugs me and makes me sad maybe cause the last 9 years I have been happy on this day and trying to make it Larry's day and we always said and made it a birthday week. I just wish I could call him and just talk like we used to and be like we used to be. I don't like this I don't like adjusting to holiday's and bday's. I don't want to do this and I have to do this the rest of my life and I can't even get through his birthday with it affecting me and affecting me all day. When will the hard day's stop? It is even hard for me to go to a resturant and see families of four eating dinner and seeing the mom's and dad's together with their kids and that isn't me and my family anymore. I just want to be happy and I don't know how to or when that will happen. I am not strong I am not happy and I don't know what to do or how to do this anymore. I just want my old life back I don't want to start a new chapter and figure out how to move and live on. I don't want to do this anymore I want me family back I want to be able to call Larry on his birthday and him answer and take our call and be excited to hear from us. I just wish I could get what I want instead of trying to figure out what I want with my new life their is to much decisions to make in my new life and I have to do it all on my own.

truth

I will probably loose alot of friends and family by doing what I am doing but you all have to know the truth and see why I am doing it. I filed for divorce on Monday. It is the hardest, saddest, most evilest thing to have to do. I don't want to do it. I don't believe in it and I don't want to do it but why am I? I have no choice. Larry has already committed adultery and has feelings for the girl and he can't cut ties with her and if he does he will still have those feelings and he is not sure if he can get her out of his head. Nice. He told me he wanted a divorce since February and now we are in May and I have been in limbo all those months fighting for him and our marriage and I was never going to win. He keeps saying he will do the divorce and another month goes on and I am scared to death of being served papers and I have thought they were coming all these weeks and months. Than I thought maybe I was winning him back. Nope I was a fool and I am not going to get my family I have already lost Larry and I didn't even have a chance after Christmas. I have lost 20 pounds since the beginning of this and I don't want to loose more. The last email that Larry sent me about not cutting ties with the girl and he doesn't want to I knew I would have to do the divorce. He said he would when he was in Canada but he hasn't all these months and I didn't want to wait 3 more weeks and than hear anymore lies from him and wait. When I decided that I had to do the one thing I didn't want to do for me and the kids and for our good and made the call I was able to eat. I was able to realize that I am not in limbo anymore. Larry is already gone and he says he still isn't sure if he can give me 100% if he comes back and he doesn't want to try. That just confuses me cause why is he trying to see if he wants me back after all that I have gone through I know he is thinking of our past but I am thinking of the past 5 months.

I am so sorry to everyone that will disown me cause of me doing the divorce I just didn't want to hurt anymore and I need to start my new life with the kids and I have to get financially stable right now cause I am stressing big time about money and I could have done legal seperation which was my option to him but than I would just have to wait on him to do the divorce and I just can't anymore. I honestly do not think he will do the divorce even though he started this he can't finish it. So why not make me who is already hurting about everything being cheated on, being hurt, being left alone, being not worth saving and living with, now being told I have to be a single mom, having to deal with my new debt and stresses about money to make sure I do it right for the kids, and so much more that be the one that does the divorce. Just add it to my sins and yes I think it is wrong and against my religion but hopefully God will forgive me. Divorcing is evil and I will always think it is. I have/had no choice this is Larry's decision he could have stopped me before I walked in the lawyer's door. I told him when I was going and no call and no email to stop me before I went in. I even called and begged him to not make me do this and he didn't even pick up or call me back. I have tried and tried and tried to save my marriage honestly I have even to the last second of walking to the lawyer. I am doing this divorce for Larry. To make him happy since that is what this whole drama has been about is finding happiness. Larry wants it so he gets it so he can be happy it doesn't matter anymore what I want and he gets the relief of not filing the papers.

So now I have to do this divorce with the kids around me and it is very overwhelming but even though I am doing it for Larry I am doing it for the kids and me to make sure we will be ok since Larry doesn't want to be with me anymore I got to make sure I do this right for them. He isn't going to take care of us 24/7 so I got to make sure that I can. If you still like me please pray for me during this time I really don't want to do this but I have no choice for my health and well being I had to do it. I wanted to be worth saving and being with and I am not and I just don't want to be with a person that will not want me in his life and wait on him to see if he can let me back in or not. The past is the past and I am still dealing with all the new info I got less than a month ago. I am sorry and that is the truth of it all.

crabs

I love the Deadlest Catch but I have been bad at watching this years and some of last years season. Mostly cause of Hunter he would want to watch Little Einstein before he goes to bed. But last Tuesday night I put Deadlest Catch on for a few minutes and Hunter was hooked! Tonight I put it on and he voted for crabs instead of Little Einstein! He loved watching it and I would get all excited when the pots were full of crab and he was all eyes hanging with me on the couch. Tonight they showed alot of fish and he was all about the fish. We talked about the ocean and the crab boats and the crab cages. I know not the best show to watch with your kids but I love the show and to hang out and watch it with my little dude was too cool! He didn't watch it to the end he wanted to go to bed which is so not like him! I think it is because I told him when the crab show was done he had to go to bed and I think it went to commerical so he took it as it being done which was fine with me. So he is in bed right now! I was very sad to hear that Captain Phil died earlier this year. I loved him he was so hard and nice and he was my favorite Captain on the show. When he died I wanted to call Larry and tell him all about it but it wasn't a good time in the drama so I didn't but he knows I love the show so I so so so wanted to talk to him about it. Didn't. But wanted to. I am very behind in the show right now but maybe I can keep up with it now that Hunter likes to watch the crab!

my boy

I totally forgot to post something about my boy yesterday! He went potty in the toliet all morning and had to poo and I stopped him and dragged him to the toliet and he didn't want to he was scared of it but when I realized he was having a hard poo and told him if he sat on the toliet it would make it feel better. After a little persuasion he sat and pooed on the toliet! He got a kick out of seeing his poo go in it. So success! He did great during the rest of the day and nap time but we had a poo in his big boy underware cause I wasn't fast enough and had a friend over but 1 poo out of 2 isn't bad! And I have been bad I just don't want to wake up more than I already to with the kids so Hunter wears a pull up under his big boy underware at night. Baby steps for me I know but I just know he is going to pee and than wake up and than I am toast. Today he didn't have an accident at all at daycare! He didn't have to change his clothes or anything. Annie said he didn't want to poo in her toilet but wait tell he got home. Which is funny cause I was talking about him peeing and pooing at Ma's house when I was driving the kiddos there and he was so excited to show Ma how poo goes in the toilet. No poos tonight so will see what happens tomorrow! No accidents tonight either we are doing great! My boy makes me so proud! He looks so cute in his big boy underware it is such a big step for me to see him at this stage it is crazy that he is wearing them and I am also trying to teach him to put on his clothes. I know he should know this by now but I am slow at all the stages and learning as I go. Baby steps for him and me. Potty training is going pretty good I think. We are making progress my boy is getting to big for me!

baby powder

Yesterday I tossed Hunter's first bottle of baby powder. Yes it took me over 3 years and I used it on two babies and I finally used it all. I didn't use much on Hunter not sure why but I used more on Grace. Yep, I am crazy but it took me forever to use that bottle and I don't think I will buy another one cause it took me so long to use that one. It felt good to toss it though. Sad though cause Grace was calling it powder and knew where it went. Now I just got to use up my Costco desitin and all my baby lotions and I should be set. I am trying to use what I have before I buy anything else. Conserve were I can. The economy isn't looking good so I probably shouldn't be looking at stuff I can buy anyways and be thankful for the stuff I have in my house now and use it up.

Again, today was a hard day. Can't say why but just know it was hard. I just wish I was worth saving. I wish I didn't realize that Larry would give up being a 24/7 dad just to not be with me anymore and to start a new life and he is ok with that. I am not I am taking it personally. I am taking it hard and my emotions are low and I don't even know when we got this bad. I don't know when or what made Larry get to where he is at he said he feel out of love a year ago so that would be a year and a half since he told me 5 months ago. I had no clue. I didn't even know. I wish I would get what I want. I wish I didn't have to lose my little family for what Larry wants. I wish I didn't have to be the bigger person and do things for Larry's happiness. When did it become about him? When did is stop becoming about me? When did it stop becoming about being a family for the kids? I wish that I was worth fighting for and taking a leap and trying to keep us all together and just maybe we could make this whole mess work. But I am not even getting that. I have tried let me tell you. I just want to feel worthy, loved, and beautiful and I have to be the person that makes it that way for Larry. I can't do it if I don't get it in return. So Larry gets what he wants and I don't. He wins and I lose. Everything I have done for the last 5 months is for him and to show him he is worth it and I don't get it in return. I can't do this anymore. All I get is hurt and showed that I am not worth it and that is not fair. He has one more chance to come back he will probably not take it but I gave him one more and that is it. One last hurt and than it is over. I just want you all to know I tried and gave it my all. I know I wasn't the best wife ever I didn't show love well to Larry I didn't listen when he was trying to tell me I admit it now that he has told me everything but when I was told I listened and I tried for 5 months to correct my wrong. I was too late I didn't change fast enough and he didn't think I could change. But I gave it 100% once I knew how bad it was but I was stupid and didn't realize we were bad I was not even aware and that is what hurt Larry the most but I am only being honest. We had two babies and I was just trying to learn how to be a mother on top of everything else. I am not perfect and I know I am not and I am going to disappoint so many people but I am not perfect and I can't do this anymore I just want to feel beautiful and loved and worthy and not be sloppy seconds anymore.

Hair pretties

How do you get a stubborn little girl to keep her hair pretties in her hair? I have tried every single kind and Grace will not keep them in for more than 5 minutes or even 5 seconds some times. Drives me crazy! She has long bangs right now and I am trying to keep them out of her eyes and she looks so cute with pig tails but she will not leave them in! Is this a sign of her being a tom boy? I am fine with that I just wanted her to be all cute and pretty right now with hair pretties. And she asks for them everyday and I put them in but she literally yanks them out! Crazy, stubborn girl. Leave your cute hair pretties in!

Hunter went potty 2 times today and I was happy both times. We had no more messes after nap time and we even went to the store and it was a success. I just couldn't put him to bed tonight without a pull up though cause I already washed all his bedding today and 4 loads of laundry that I just wanted to not have to clean his bedding first thing in the morning. He is wearing his big boy underware over his pull ups though and I told him to try to keep them dry. Can I tell you that seeing him in his big boy underware and wearing his pajamas and seeing his cute little butt is pretty funny and cute. He is such a big boy I can't believe I am even going through this stage with him. I know I should have done it sooner but with all the drama I just couldn't. I still can't but I have to do it cause it is a perfect weekend to. Will see how tomorrow goes.

Today was a hard day. It probably didn't help that my girl thing came 2 weeks early not sure what that is about. And I just can't believe were I am at in my life with Larry. I wish I could say what I want to say but I can't. I just wish I was worth it to Larry I wish I wasn't sloppy seconds and I wish that I was worth fighting for and I wish that he still loved me and I wish that he still called, texted, emailed nice things, and I wish that he was fighting for us but he isn't and that is what makes me sad, mad, lonely, angry, and heartbroken. I have to get used to this life cause this is what it is going to be. It makes me sad that Larry didn't think about me when he did all this. Yes, he thinks of the kids but I really don't think he thought what impact it would have on me and he probably still doesn't think of me and I don't know when we got this bad or what I did to make it this bad but this is where I am at. Another weekend alone and many more to come.

egg in the hole

I made the egg in the hole with Hunter this morning he had fun with it. When I put it on the table for him and Grace to eat he said he doesn't like eggs. Grace didn't eat hers either. It was a bomb. I ate mine and it wasn't too bad.

Potty training not going well. Hunter has had 3 accidents, 3 change of clothes, 2 puddles on the floors, 1 bed change and no potty in the toliet. We are going to keep going with it. It is very frustrating that I am doing it by myself everytime I am cleaning up urine I think that in my head when I thought of potty training my kids that Larry would be here with me to help. Not happening. Makes me sad and mad. I didn't choose this.

Grace is very cranky today. Not sure why maybe teeth, maybe growing, maybe learning to be cranky. Who knows. I do know that she has been asleep since 12:45pm and still is and it is 3:30pm. Not going to wake her up until she is ready.

I am frustrated today. I can't believe that Larry doesn't call, text, or email to make sure we are ok and if things are going ok on our end. I know I am not doing it to him but this is what he wanted. I guess this is how the rest of my life will go not waiting on him and if something happens then we call him. This part of it all is what hurts the most. We just have to go on with our lives and we have no clue if he is even thinking of us. I guess I should say the kids cause I am probably not even a thought. I so want to text him in a bad way but I won't it will probably just hurt me in the end.

Someone is parked in front of our house and took a sign out and have been parked in front of the house for about 10 minutes. I should just let them in but they are scary looking and Grace is still sleeping. I hope my house sells but I don't see that happening.

Hunter is playing with stickers and having a great time. He keeps bringing me all his stickers when he finds new ones in his sticker container. We obviously have not played with our stickers here at the house.

Misha keeps losing her fur. Not sure if she is shedding for her summer look or what but I keep finding fluffs of fur all over and coming off her.

I am bored and need a life. I am just going through so much in my head and I just wish this wasn't happening to me and the kids. But it is. Sucks.