Yah

I am not sure how long Grace has been saying Yah her way of saying yes but she has for awhile now. I saw a cute video of Nate eating yogurt with a spoon and I thought duh I should be giving Grace some yougurt and giving her a spoon so I did. I tell you I just have to be reminded to do things around here. This video was from awhile back but I forgot to post it. It cracks me up cause she acts like she is such a big girl. If you ask her a question she says yah. Enjoy.

alone

I hate being alone. Once again I am. But this is what Larry wanted. He doesn't think he is being selfish but I do and there is so many ways that he is it is crazy. Enough about that just know that I am sad and alone once again. Part of my life I just have to do it and press on cause this is what Larry has done and wanted for us. Nice. This week was my first week of working 5 days. I haven't done this since I worked at Davies Clinic before I left I think. Maybe one summer I did work at the Urology Clinic 5 days a week now that I think of it between semesters but I haven't been to college in years. It felt weird to have to get up and go to work each day and wonder when Friday was going to be here. I am tired and exhausted but I feel ok that I made just a little bit more money than I did last week and I am doing it for me and the kiddos. I don't think the kids even noticed the change in their schedule at all. Hope they were ok with it. This weekend I have no plans. Just clean, watch the rest of Food Revolution I have seen the first 2 episodes, finish my book that is due to go back to the library next week, watch a Netflix movie by myself and potty train Hunter since we are going to home bound this weekend. Wish him and I luck! Should be fun. I was thinking of getting Grace a haircut also but I haven't gotten very far on that plan yet. I am going to try not to go to the store and buy anything since we are stocked up on milk and food we should be golden. Might even save a buck or two if we don't make it over to the Fred Meyers once this weekend. I got tea in the cupboards so no Starbucks this weekend and I am going to make a PW meal going to make egg in the hole for the kids for breakfast and will see if the eat it Hunter probably will not but I think Grace will. I love all of her breakfast ideas and I am not a breakfast person but I got to be better at it for the kiddos. Especially during the weekends. I gotta drag myself out of bed and go into the kitchen and do my thing instead of wondering around the house. I am cook I can do this! So that is my weekend in a nut shell. Gonna take Misha for a long walk with the kiddos or go to a dog park with them not sure yet depends on the weather and the kids. Hope your weekend is full of fun and exciting things like mine is. Trying to keep it busy so I don't feel alone. Hard to do when you do it all by yourself but this is what I am meant to do. Bring on the aloneness I have done it since October bring it!

After I posted the video of Grace I went back and took pictures of what was in my house. I know I am not alone I have my kids and animals and here they are sleeping and hanging out right now.

This is what Larry walked away from and no I am not alone I have my kids and animals. Larry doesn't have these everynight like I do. I know I need to be more thankful for them that they are here with my and I am. It is the whole principle that Larry can just walk away and be ok with me being alone with the kids and the animals and he can find a new life for him without us. Makes no sense to me. I miss the companionship and knowing someone loves me and that I am not alone. I am very thankful that when I go to sleep every single one of the my precious kids and animals are in the same house with me because I want to be here for them and if that means I have to be alone than so be it. I didn't get to where we are now because I wanted to I tried and it didn't work so will see what time brings.

goodies

My first goodies are this last week or more I have gotten two new cookbooks! Thanks mom for them! I got the Jamie Oliver Food Revolution and she also got me the Pioneer Woman cooks cookbook! Love them both. But I don't have either one right now! My mom has the Food Revolution one and the Pioneer woman one is at work. Just got that one yesterday! Love both books and can't wait to try to cook with fresh ingredients. I got to be better gonna wait till pay day than either go to the fruit market or Freddies but with a recipe agenda. I already know that I am going to make the kiddos a piece of bread with a cooked egg in the middle they should love that! That one is from Pioneer Woman.

My other goodies is a got some cute hand me down clothes from Amanda to wear at work and they fit better than my way too big clothes! Thank you so much Amanda!

I think that is it. I really do love my booda dome for my cats. I usually didn't scoop up litter I would just throw all the litter out of the container we had but this dome is so much easier to scoop and I haven't refilled litter since I bought it. We are on the first litter round. I can see saving litter in my future which is saving a little bit of cash!

I have both kiddos in bed Grace is crashed and I put Hunter in his bed about 8 minutes ago and it wasn't even dark! I am trying to put him to bed before 9 to see if I can get more down time and I just let him talk away in his room so he can get used to hanging out and falling asleep. He was a real bear this evening. Him and I were at odds on the way home he didn't want to listen at all and he was grumpy and whiny and he just didn't want to agree to anything so I love him to death but he is at a stage where I have to crack down on it or he will walk all over me. So I am learning. Grace is getting louder and screams at the littlest thing. Gotta crack down on that to. So many things I got to make sure that don't get out of hand.

I vacuumed my car at lunch and cashed out our change jar and got $53 out of it! Went straight into savings for whatever loss we get out of the house. I wanted to use the jar to save for a Disneyland trip but I don't see that happening anytime soon. The kiddos went to the bank with me and than to Costco I think they needed fresh air and some Costco time cause they always act so good in Costco. I could buy out that store if I wanted to.

Bought me some wine at Costco that was a goodie to myself. I haven't had any for awhile so it is nice to have when you feel crazed with life.

nope.

I didn't mop last night. Hunter was asleep and I was in bed before 10pm I think. I crashed hard and Grace woke up at 5 am and I didn't move from the bed until 6:15 am and got her some milk and the whole time I was thinking I should mop and I didn't. That's ok cause only 2 realtors came by the house so it would not have been worth it. And by the time I got the kids and animals in the car this morning I had so much mud in the kitchen and living room from walking outside I would have probably cried if I had mopped so I just put a towel to it and it was fine. It doesn't look very promising for selling this house. We will probably lose it to the bank in a short sale so will see what happens. It isn't what I want to happen but you don't always get what you want. Kiddos are in bed and I hope Hunter goes to sleep to cause I am right there with them hopefully soon.

open house #2

Tomorrow is open house #2 it is the Realtors coming. I guess there will be food and stuff hopefully they come. It is 9:23pm and Hunter is still awake in his room and I still have to mop before tomorrow. I am thinking it will not get done. I am to tired to even think of mopping. I have to get up early to deliver my kids to daycare and my animals to my mom's so that is extra loading in my car and I already don't like to get up early to get the kids and I out the door. I think that I am also burnt out from all the cleaning for open house #1 and not alot came that I just don't have the will power to get myself to the level I was this weekend. Maybe it will come. The kiddos are doing great they have adjusted to all the change around them like pros. Grace is into screaming now. Love that. Hunter is into asking "what's that do?". Love that but he really makes me think on some things cause I do not want to teach him something wrong. My mom got me the book Jamie's Food Revolution should be fun to try to cook simple, delicious, affordable meals that is what it says on the cover. Thanks mom! Another cookbook I want to get is the Pioneer Woman. I have been letting the kids sit on the counter these last couple of days I just thought why not. They love it I just got to make sure they know what is not to touch and what is ok. I just wish I had more counter space maybe in my future place I will. It is actually fun having them hang out that way in the kitchen. Trying to branch out and not be so scared of stuff. Still don't like them hanging out close to the microwave but I am trying to work around that but will see how it goes. Hunter is still awake and my eyes are dropping so I don't think mopping is in my future tonight maybe I will do it before the kiddos wake up. Night all!

i am here

Crazy last few days. I don't even know where to begin or what to say cause even I don't know anymore. Not going to talk about Larry anymore taking a break. If you see him, talk to him, text him, email him just tell him he needs to take a leap and trust whatever direction he decides and just go with it. Maybe if he drops the girl and gets back in his marriage his life could be better or awesome if we both change and we both forgive cause it doesn't look like he is having fun the way it is going. As for me I have several ways I can do this I just am thinking of what I should do. Yep, I am burying this drama but I will talk to certain people but family needs a break and so do I so no more talk about Larry and no more blogging about him. Taking a break. I have to many what if's and I don't know how this will end.

addicted.

I am addicted to Jaime Oliver's Food Revolution! I stayed up tired as all from cleaning and dealing with my drama, but I stayed up and watched the first episode of his show on ABC.com and I am addicted to making my kids food healthy or try my best from now on. I could have been sleeping or hanging out with friends or trying whatever with Larry but nope I watched this show and I can't wait to watch the next episode. You got to watch it to be a healthy new you!

My new fav's

I have a plan in my head about my messed up marriage will see if it turns out the way I want it to go if Larry is done and it will be ok with me to do and not make me feel guilty the rest of my life. Not going to say. Not going to tell family. One friend knows and the next person will be Larry whatever happens on his end. I am the stronger one I can make this better for him and get out of his life and we both can move on. Will see if it plays in my cards and my way if it is going down.

Enough of that. Been cleaning and hanging with the kiddos all day. Thanks to mom and Wayne for steam cleaning floors and spraying the porch they look great! Thanks to Annie and Lonnie for letting us borrow the steam cleaner. I have cleaned as much as I can until Hunter goes down and I just put him to bed. I have to mop the living room and kitchen but I can't until he sleeps because he likes his door open. I have done laundry, vacuumed, cleaned bathrooms, tried to declutter everywhere, Drano the sinks and bathtub, and Windex stuff. Windexing was fun cause my baby girl helped me. We have mirrored slider doors on our closet and I was washing and Grace was right there so I gave her a paper towel and she was washing the closets with me. Love that girl. She had a big smile on her face. She is mama's little helper. She calls me mommy which is sweet but when she is screaming it sometimes I don't think it is as sweet. Not sure where she got it maybe from Hunter cause he sometimes calls me that. Hunter had to have one of the paper towels and took one to bed with him. Whatever makes him happy is fine with me. Sure you can have a blue paper towel to sleep with I am cool with that. I am almost done cleaning I see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to getting this house ready for tomorrow and Tuesday. I just hope at least one person comes through cause it will make it all worth it and if not than I will keep on cleaning.

Now on to my new fav things. I love Method laundry detergent! It is small and does 50 loads and is good for the environment I am trying my best to be earth friendly but I slip sometimes. Anyways started using it this week and I love it. I finally found it at Target used a coupon on it too. I don't think my clothes feel different or smell different. Just four pumps of the bottle and start your load. No cup! Just pump! Love that and Hunter can do it to! I also stopped using dryer sheets to save money and for the environment. Learned that from a friend. Yes, I am trying to make the earth better for my kids will see. Yes, I still have a bottle of Clorox 409 cleaner but it is my last and I am trying to use it up. Got a nice earth friendly multi-cleaner under the sink just waiting to take it's place used a coupon for it too! Speaking of savings I saved $10 at Petsmart today not to mention Hunter had a blast! In my mad cleaning the cat litter box was making me mad that it was what it was and I was done with it. The cats had to jump on the toilet to get in it and there was always litter on the toilet lid. Yuck. I was done so after nap time I was on a mission to get a new one. Told Hunter we were going to get the cats a new litter box and litter and look at animals. He was all for it. We went to Petsmart and would have stayed longer but Misha was in the car and it was sunny outside if I hadn't have brought her we would have stayed and enjoyed the animals more. Hunter was in heaven. He loved the parrot, loved the fish, loved the birds, loved the rats, loved the cats. Loved the cats he told me which ones looked like ours and the families cats. Grace loved the fishes and kept waving at them. We got the coolest cat litter box ever! The last few years we have used a big Tupperware container and cut a hole in it and put the lid on it after Christmas I got a new Tupperware container but it was too cheap to put a hole in and so I didn't put the lid on hence the cats had to jump in it. But the new litter box is called the Booda Dome! It is small and compact and the lid comes off and the tray is easy to take to the garbage and toss the litter. I love it. Will see if the cats do. Hunter was trying to show Kramer his new litter box Hunter was very excited about it. He even took it out of the cart and put it in the car and it isn't little and he wanted to take it out of the car and take it to the cats. Big production let me tell you. It looks lovely in my bathroom and it will be easy to sweep around and doesn't look horrible. Love my new Booda Dome. Wish I had a picture for you. I saved $10 on this new litter box and 2 things of litter! Can I tell you I love my animals. They are always with me and they are right now just hanging around the computer sleeping and they go to sleep with me and the cats are right there and Misha is 50/50 but more lately. Love them they keep me warm and make me feel loved that is why I love them and take care of them.

I think that is all for my fav's I am going to start watching the food revolution the show on ABC but the last episode was last night and I haven't seen any of them but I am going to check it out and be a better mom for my kiddos and be a healthier eater for me. I have heard it is a great show you should check it out also if you already haven't! I might try to watch a little on the Internet before I go and mop. No more chicken nuggets for my kids is what I hear is in my future!

I am trying to find ways to save money. Going to turn off the heat here shortly to see if it makes a difference but I don't know if I can do it I am a 70 degrees girl but if it saves a few bucks why not. No more Starbucks, no more Sunday Oregonian borrowing that from my mom for coupons, trying to make food and milk not go to waste and reuse better. I am in super mommy saving mode. Watch out. :)

These are the only 2 pics out of the many I took. Better figure out my camera. Better take another class the intermediate one. Maybe. Will see. Cleaned today. Yelled at my mom today. Sorry mom. Not a good day. I am sorry if I hurt anyone through my choices and mistakes. I don't know what I am doing this is all new to me and I don't know what to do. I don't think I can do this divorce the way Larry wants I want lawyers involved it isn't my fault we can't afford this and I still am unsure if Larry wants the divorce cause he is dragging it on. He wants to fill out a draft copy of the paperwork and give it to me before he leaves and I don't even know if he will do that. He hasn't done alot of what he has said. He keeps changing things he keeps messing with me but he says I am interrupting it wrong. If he doesn't do these draft papers, which I don't know when he is cause he has a company party today and the kids tomorrow and he leaves on Monday. Maybe he has had them done all along I don't know. I might have to do something that is against what I believe and what I don't want just because I can't do this anymore, but in order to be happy and move forward I might have to start this divorce and go to the lawyer and start this. I shouldn't be the one that has to do this it isn't what I want I didn't commit adultery I didn't walk away I didn't keep the past against me, but to make me healthy for me and my kids I have to go against every thing in my heart, head, and belief just to make everyone happy and they say I will be in the end. We have kids I have no clue what I am doing I don't know whether to do it cheaply and not involve the lawyers but I also want closure and to do this right for me and the kids. I will probably regret this forever if I have to do it. I just want to be happy I just want to get what I want in the end and I don't even know what that is anymore I just know I want this all to stop and move forward and not drag it on anymore and wait anymore on his time. He said in February he wanted a divorce and we haven't even done it. One of my faults is not being patient but I have been so patient I think. Please pray for me I gave him 2 days he knows and then we will see he is either in or out. Please know everyone that I am so against divorce, I am so against this it makes me sick but I can't live this way it is unhealthy and I tried my very, very best to save my marriage with all that has happened. I was willing to go to counseling I was willing to see if I could forgive and forget. I just can't do this anymore and I might have to be the one that finishes it. I wanted him to but I don't think I can do it on his time anymore or wait for him to afford it. It has been 5 months now and I am close to a mental breakdown and it isn't worth it because I need to be here for the kids I am the strong one the one they see everyday. Please pray for me the next few days especially if I have to go to the lawyer or if I just decide to wait and see if Larry produces the papers like he says. Not sure what is going to happen. But this can't continue this way. I am worth more than what I am going through I just know that I am.

Trying to breathe.

Trying to breathe and let the worry, hurt, and overwhelmingness go. Thank you Cammie for being there and sending me words and giving me advise and being you! Larry left tonight and I am tired but doing ok. I am listening to Keep You by Sugarland. It is so what is going on in my head. I can't get the lyrics to copy and paste but if you want to here it go to http://www.sugarlandmusic.com/ it is the first video. I might just chop of my hair like the lady does. Kidding. I will try to post pictures of the kids but since I did my photography class and the teacher put my camera on auto I haven't been taking good pictures. Post some of the kids soon. I am not strong right now but I am going to get stronger I gotta to be for the kids, me and to get this house sold and save money. Alot on my plate so I gotta power through. Night.

overwhelmed. i wish someone else was in my shoes instead of me. i hope happiness comes my way soon cause this is all overwhelming for me and i just want it to be done and it hasn't even started and i haven't got the papers that i dread. i know it will be the beginning of my new life for me and the kids it is just getting to that stage in my head and heart. wish i could wish on a star and make today all better and the next few days. i don't know what i need anymore and i have to get through it all. overwhelming.

clarify

I guess I should clarify the not trusting Larry with the kids comment. I know Larry loves his kids to death but in my head and heart I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with them 24/7. I know he doesn't want the kids to live a lie. Get that. I just don't know what Larry is going to do in regards to how much he is going to give them to me. That is the part I do not trust I know he wouldn't take the kids away from me and I can't do that to him. I just don't know what he is going to do in regards to the kids and I would love them in my life the rest of my life and not miss anything but I am not given that choice and that is the part that I am leaving in Larry's hands and I just have to see if I agree with it. Larry would never hurt his kids he loves them to death I just don't understand why he can do this and walk away from the family.

I am back

I can't believe I didn't make 30 days of blogging! I missed yesterday meant to a couple times but I honestly was just too tired. The kids kept me up most of the night and am and than I thought I was going to have two breakdowns before I left home to go to work one was cause both kids didn't want me to go and the other is I couldn't find my phone cause Hunter was playing with it while I was getting ready. I had to call work and tell them I needed sleep cause I felt like I was going to pass out and have a break down. Went and tried to sleep at my mom's for two hours then went to work than Larry had the kids in the evening. All day I felt like I was going to pass out and was so tired went to my mom's house at lunch to lay down and I still was feeling like toast. Hunter last night puked in his bed again thank goodness Larry was still here to help with it but I was still exhausted and just wanted to go to bed and not deal with anymore hurt from Larry but I wanted to get something across to him and I did and than he left and Hunter took forever to go to sleep again. Grace woke up in the middle of the night last night and I slept on the couch and didn't give her a bottle and then she cried at 5am and I didn't go in the room but I was wide awake thinking of all this crap and getting served papers and when Larry would do it and if he would. I just don't know how Larry is going to play God in regards to the kids cause I don't trust him right now and I don't know when I will be able to. Grace woke up at 6:15am and than Hunter did and I was exhausted and lightheaded again and I felt bad but I took the kids to Annie's and told work I would start working Thursday's next week and went home and finally curled up in my bed to sleep. It didn't happen though cause of the constuction on the building across the street. I did get some but not all that I wanted or needed. Still feel faint but not as bad as the last couple days. Still feel overwhelmed but I know I can do this I just don't want to. I love my kids to death and when they scream or cry or don't listen that is when I really get overwhelmed I need to take a breath and stop the overwhelmingness and I am but I think once Larry is back in Canada I will be better cause I know I have them 24/7 and I get back into supermom mode. Right now to keep my mind from thinking of the divorce papers coming I am putting my energy into the kids and getting this house cleaned and ready for it's open house on Sunday and Tuesday. So if anyone is interested or knows someone who could live in a small house come on over! I am trying to declutter more and clean more and make the outside look better and family has been helping cause they want me in Canby as much as I do. So please add to your prayers that my house sells soon so I can move out of this house like Larry has.

going to blog soon. my warrior princessness is surfacing it hid for awhile and i am just in waiting.

Supermom

I feel like supermom. I got both kids in bed by 9pm! I wanted to go to bed and curl up and sleep my thoughts away. I have wanted to do that all day just ask everyone I work with. I didn't want to be at work today at all. Powered through. I was doing an old person thing I was doing a crossword puzzle while Hunter was in bed and praying he would go down easy. Nope. I heard it and knew what it was. He choked on his milk and started puking all over his bed and floor. I was so proud of myself I didn't want to scream all I wanted to do after I got Hunter in the bath and I was cleaning up the puke was text Larry and tell him fyi your son puked and I don't need your help just wanted you to know. Of course I would have said this with a I am mad tone cause he is only 15 minutes away and could be dealing with this instead of me. It took me 10 minutes to clean the floor and make the bed and get clean jammies on Hunter and we discussed puking and I put him in to bed. I am supermom! This is my 4th puke I think with Larry not here. I rock! And it is 9:30pm and Hunter is not screaming and not making a sound and I didn't text Larry and he doesn't need to know cause he is missing out on another puking session and I am ok with that. Tomorrow I will clean the sheets and blankets but not tonight. I am going to finish my crossword puzzle and maybe find the definition of Tigger and hit the hay, finally after wanting to all day.

Getting a divorce

I want you all to know I tried. I tried to show Larry I was sorry that I hurt him and I was changing. I tried to show him I would try to forgive him for the girl and all the new info on that and is adultery. But he can't give up the girl I asked him to cut all ties with her yesterday to make me happy and he can't. I can't do this anymore. I tried, I waited, I got hurt, he will never forget the last years we were married so I am supposed to be ok with this and be a single mom. Nice. I am not happy and I have to deal with my emotions with the kids. Not cool, not fair. I have to go to work and be fake to patients when they ask how I am I can't stay home and curl up in a ball in my bed all day and try to sleep it all away I have to go to work to keep my job and make it on my own. I am so mad that I am not worth saving! I tried to keep us all together I tried to make it work that he could be a 24/7 dad to his kids and he will not give me 100% because of how our marriage was. Why not! Why not! So I am done. I am getting a divorce I have to share my kids with Larry, I have to move on and be ok with this. He could have chosen to say yes I will cut all ties with the girl and he didn't! This makes me so mad. He wants to be happy how can he now? I don't get it. His lose. My lose because I will not see my kids 24/7 and he is ok with that because this is what he wants to do since it is not fair to keep me in limbo cause he doesn't know when he or if he will ever let me in 100%. What the hell! Yes, I am mad, yes I am hurt.

I can't blog today.

Curl up

Things got worse. Will see what happens it can go either way. Overwhelmed, again. Very glad tomorrow is a work day. Need people around me. I love my kids to death but all day I wanted to just want curl in my bed and sleep for hours but I got to power through 3 more hours. I can do this. Will see what happens I don't know what to do I know I did want I wanted to say yesterday but I wish I could say more but I can't.

Seals

Yesterday, Misha and I escaped to the beach. My new favorite beach is Taft. I have been there 3 times this year. One it has Mo's there and when I have the kids or it is just me and Misha I go to Mo's and get my food to go and sit on the beach or like yesterday it was too cold and windy to sit on the beach with it so I at my clam chowder and bread in the car. When I got there Misha and I walked the beach. I forgot her collar and I forgot my socks and tennis shoes in another bag I gave to my mom when I dropped off the kids. But Misha's leash worked and my feet were freezing. This is the first time I saw the seals at Taft! They are so cool to watch put their heads up and down and play peek a poo with you. I sat and watched them with Misha for almost 3 hours and I got a wind burn from it on my cheeks but the seals made me smile and the beach was a nice time to escape to and watch the seals, waves, birds and think.

21 days

I have done 21 days of my 30 days of blogging. It has been refreshing to do and a good way of journaling. Thanks all who have been reading along with my days! My new favorite game is Spider Solitaire. Very addicting. I don't like it when it tells me I have no more moves. Not a big fan of the spider on my iPhone for the link but I will just deal. Not a big fan of spiders and saw my first black thick legged one today over the computer desk. I let it go since I would have hurt myself trying to get it.

:(

I don't know what to do.

From my book...

that I finished reading today. "If you're dying to work on something, work on yourself. Grow yourself up and your relationship will change. Primary relationships are people-growing processes...Stop working on your relationship and realize that your relationship is working on you..."

This is true. Still hard to stop thinking of the other in the relationship. He comes home today and I am the last one to know when he is and he didn't even tell me all I got was he was coming in this afternoon. I should take that as a clue. Will see what happens but I am working on me and if he wants more time I am not going to be very happy. I have done so much time that I deserve an answer or just move on myself. Pray, pray, pray that I do the right thing. My family needs it cause I don't know how I can keep myself strong for us all and work on myself.

Standing up

Before bed tonight I had Hunter go potty in the toliet since he didn't go all afternoon. I went in with him but was checking my new fillings and not watching him. For some reason I glanced down and he was peeing standing up and holding and everything! When did he start doing this he usually climbs up on the toliet and straddles it? My poor toliet and floor got to add that to my list of things to clean up better to make sure my house doesn't smell like urine. I told him good job buddy you are peeing like papa does and he said yep I peep like papa does. My boy is getting to big!

Molar #2

Today I noticed that Grace has been growing her second molar on the top right. I have no clue how long she has been but it is about the size of the other side. This girl grows some funky teeth and she shouldn't be growing her molar's yet!

This is also my last Thursday off :( but that is ok I asked to work 5 days for me in so many ways I just got to get used to it and not get some extra sleep if my kids let me anymore.

9

Today I had 2 cavities worked on for a grand total of 9 cavities fixed and I am done with the dentist for awhile! 4 weeks of getting my teeth fixed and my jaw is letting me know it. It keeps popping all the time but hopefully will calm down with time. Today, the dentist had to work on the two she did last week cause they were sensitive and than she had to work on the last two and I am a pro now at getting cavities filled. My dentist and assistant will probably miss me now that I have seen them the last 4 Thursday's. :) One more day of being numb and than hopefully I don't have anymore cavities at my next cleaning!

We have a sign post in our yard for the for sale sign it got put in the ground today when I was at the dentist. And all it needs is the for sale sign and fliers and we are in business. It is wierd seeing it there and knowing it is there. But will see what happens.

I tried to post a video last night of the kids hanging out in front of the fish tank but it was taking forever to download so here is a different one.

I was trying to use the one where Grace kept saying fishes, fishes, fishes. Also, Hunter's new thing lately is pulling up his sleeves all the time not sure why but they bug him and if he has a long sleeve shirt or even a coat on he pulls them up to his elbow. He is also doing a Larry thing. He keeps pulling his pants up to his knees as in this video, which reminded me to write about it. Larry used to wear shorts right after we got married up until last year before he went to Canada in October. Hunter reminds me of Larry when he pulls his pants up cause it reminds me of always seeing Larry's legs and now I get to see Hunter's. I don't think he got it from Larry cause Larry hasn't wore shorts 24/7 like he used to. I took a cute picture of them in front of the fish tank with my phone and sent it to Larry but got no response last night. Maybe he was alseep or working or didn't want to reply hope it made him smile and not make him sad. I am not going to let it get to me that he didn't respond.

He comes home tomorrow.

Video!

I tried my best to get Grace to sing her song you can only get a few words out of her in this video! Going to try again to get her. Thanks to my in-laws and Uncle Dan for this lovely toy I have two of them!

Favorite animals

After Grace fell asleep I was going to sit on the couch with Hunter and watch Little Einsteins with him and read a Martha Stewart Living magazine that I borrowed from the clinic. I sat down with the magazine on the couch and Hunter saw the magazine and he wanted to read a magazine by me and I said sure and the only one I knew was in the magazine rack was the IKEA catalog but he lifted out his Encylopedia of Animlas book that Larry and him bought a few months back when they went to Borders. It is a huge book of pictures of animals and I said sure he could read it. So we both sat side by side reading our magazines. He did really well with his animals and the ones he didn't know he asked about and than asked what that animal did. We got to the page that had penguins on it and I asked him whose favorite animal was that and he said mama, which he is right. Than I asked him what is papa's favorite animal and he said otters, which he was right. I asked him what Aunt Lindsey's favorite was and he couldn't remember so I said frogs and polar bears. I asked him what Uncle CoCo's favorite animal was and he said polar bears. I don't think this one is right but I went along with him. I asked him what his favorite animal was and he said big bad wolves. This made me laugh cause he is scared of the big bad wolf on his Little Einstein and what kid says they like big bad wolves! He is funny and I just had to laugh about his favorite animal and I was laughing inside of course. Also, today I gave Grace some books this morning on my bed to read and she came across a Little Einstein and she kept saying Einstein, Einstein. This girl is too smart for me! So what is your favorite animal?

ABC's

This morning I was woken up by Grace serenading me by singing the ABC's. In her way she was saying them and you could tell what she was singing. It was very nice and I just laid in bed while she kept singing away. She was laying down with one of her legs up on the bumper with her foot hanging out between the crib poles. She was totally having a good time.

Alright...

maybe I can do this. Maybe I can do a few more days without being in the know. I am only human to want to be respected, though. Hunter went to bed great and I hope he is asleep right now. The kids had popcorn and Grace loves it she can say popcorn in her way. She has her own small little bowl and eats on the couch and this time when she was done she found me and wanted more popcorn which she said in her own little way. She is my hungry eater she can eat anytime. Hunter helped make the popcorn. Yes, I let him push the button and the part to open the door. I am not a fan of having the kids around the mircrowave cause of the possible cancer stuff but I am trying to not be so paranoid but I still am. My term for Grace is she is the small one in charge. She has to do everything Hunter does and does not want to be left out and will totally tell you or throw a fit. She might be the youngest grandkid at the moment but she thinks she isn't. She is my little tom boy and will do anything and everything. She has no fear and does not care if she is getting dirty. Nothing is to big for her to climb or crawl under. Hunter is her follower when it comes to scary things. If Grace does it than he will possibly attempt it. He has been very helpful when it comes to the laundry and cooking. I am trying to be better at letting him do stuff but I am still paranoid he will burn himself when he cooks. I love my kiddos to death and I am glad I am their mother they are my little prides and joys. Off to my book to get all warriorous. :)

I am sad

Once again I am sad. I gotta to stop being it I know but it is the little things that hurt and I gotta just deal with it. I want to be respected I want to told. Guess I got to wait maybe something will come of this. I am feeling better not feeling sick anymore. Reading my Anxious to Please book and I am on the warrior chapter. Watch out Larry and everyone else the Warrior Princess is coming out! Just in time for Larry to come home must have been God's plan for me to take this long to get to this chapter.

exhausted

Hunter didn't fall asleep last night until 11:30 pm. I was so not happy by that time that it took me awhile to settle down and Misha was in the living room and I was paranoid she would poo all over my nice clean house. Than Grace started stirring and she tossed and turned most of the night and I woke up in the middle of the night to check on Misha she was in her bed than Grace woke me up at 5am and than Misha jumped on the bed with me and than Hutner woke up at 6:30am and I was still trying to get some sleep and kept snoozing my phone alarm. Woke up and started my day. Put stuff in the crock pot for dinner and got us all ready and made sure the house was clean before I left. Came home after work and my bbq chicken in the crockpot was burnt to a crisp. I was pretty bummed. I was already sad about stuff earlier that got to me that it was strike two so I am waiting for strike three, maybe it was my early am. Hunter still hasn't fallen asleep and he isn't going under his covers that is how this started last night. Now he is going potty and he was playing in his bed. This isn't going to be good. I am so exhausted I could drop. My cold is in my sinuses and I have had a head full of snot all day and I have been sneezing so much I lost count. Maybe I am getting allergies now I just want to feel 100% human again. Going to put the kettle on for my Theraflu and check on my potty boy.

Well wish me luck he already said he deoesn't want to go to bed so I am just going to hide in the kitchen and let him talk and yell it out and I might even sneak off to bed. I know I have been complaining alot and I am sorry about that. I realized today I should be thankful for where I sleep even though I don't get much with Grace. When this all began I slept on the couch because I couldn't sleep with Grace and I didn't have Larry in bed with me I slept on the couch for about a week or so. Than since I couldn't stretch out all the way on the couch and my back was hurting I moved the couch pillows to the floor and put covers on them. The pillows still where too short but I powered through and did that for a few weeks. Then I got a couch that layed into a bed and layed on that for a month or so. I had to move blankets and pad back and forth from the living room to the laundry room and put the couch up and put it into a bed almost everyday some days I was lazy and just left it out with the covers on it. Now I don't have to move anything and I love it. I have a bed again. It is a little short but it is alot better than I was sleeping on. So I am thankful for my new bed and thankful that I have it. I just hope I can sleep in it soon cause I am exhausted and I have huge bags under my eyes because of not getting much sleep this weekend. I am also thankful for my kiddos who exhaust me cause if I didn't have them I would be alone right now. I think I would hate that even more than not liking what I am going through now. Hope Larry is closer to knowing what he wants to do if not I need to get away.

It is 10:45pm...

and Hunter is not asleep. He has been not wanting to go to sleep since 9pm. He has never been this bad and I haven't been this tired in a long time. It doesn't help that I wanted to sleep along time ago. I tried to sleep with him I tried to let him scream and cry it out for long periods at a time, I tried closing his door which he hates, I tried giving him milk, I tried just going to bed, but it hasn't worked. It is times like this that I hate being alone I hate doing it by myself and I hate being the mean one. Misha also is having issues. I have taken her out to go potty three times and she will not go poo. This does not look well for me it means that she is constipated or something and that always means it gets on her tail and is a big mess. She is on the porch right now and she went out with her tail down not a good sign. Hunter is still crying away and hasn't slowed down at all I have no clue what got him this way and why he will not go to bed. Thank goodness Grace is sleeping and went to bed well. I just hope she doesn't wake up a bunch in the night after this drama with Hunter ends. I wish I wasn't alone I don't like this part of being a single parent at all and all I want to do is call Larry and make him make Hunter go to sleep and tell him how hard the last almost 2 hours has been! Argh! I wish my life wasn't in limbo I just want what I want and not to be alone I don't deserve to do this on my own but it looks like I do!

done.

I think I am done cleaning. If I am not than oh well. I tried. I don't even know if I will even have someone look at the house this week but at least I can clean everyday as I go. I am tired. My arm muscles are sore from cleaning and lifting the kiddos all day. It was a good day. But now I am starting to miss talking to an adult other than my kids. I have 2.5 hours to go and I just would like to talk to someone in person and not be alone. Haven't had these feelings in awhile. Maybe it is cause I worked so hard the last two days and now my house looks clean inside and outside and I just want to tell someone, mostly Larry, I guess and smile to someone about it, mostly Larry again. Oh well I don't get what I want so I will just play with my kids and text people to get adult time. :(
Thank goodness tomorrow is a work day and I get adult time all day long. Maybe I am sad cause I worked hard and am tired and the weekend is finally coming to a close. Thank goodness. I can't wait to go to bed my body wants to go now but I got to power through get kiddos bathed and play, play, play. Very thankful for the kiddos but I think they will wear me out and I will sleep like they do tonight, I hope.

Peeps cupcakes

They aren't as cute as the picture in the magazine but I finally made them yesterday! It was a Easter idea that backfired but I made them and gave them to family. As a Easter treat and a thank you for helping me out with the kiddos, house, and lawn. One less box in our cupboards. Trying to declutter the cupboards right now.

I did it! I hand mopped the living floor and I thought I would never finish it before the kids woke up. As I was mopping it I was remembering how family helped us put this floor in and how family helped make this house nice for us and now we are selling it. Crazy. I feel bad about all the work they did since we are trying to move on. But I am very grateful for every family member that got us to where we are today! Thought of you all as I am on my knees cleaning the hardwood floor and thinking whose idea was it to put hardwood floors in this house! :) I took a break than did the kitchen floor. As I was down on my knees I noticed how bad my cupboards, dishwasher, oven, and fridge looked and I tried to tackle those but I didn't want wet floors when the kids woke up. Will tackle those with Bleach after they go to bed. I hear my lovely daughter waking up so I better jet! I tried to get a video of her singing last night and today but they didn't work. I will try again when we go to Home Depot in the car that is when she sings her best! Got alot done with the kids sleeping I folded the laundry, put stuff in the shed, and hand mopped the floors. High five to me! Half way done with the cleaning and then I got to keep it up for however long this takes to sell :(

RMLS # 10030479

I honestly didn't know that our realtor was coming by yesterday to take pictures of the house but she did and we powered through moving and getting them taken. They aren't the best I wish I would have cleaned better but being sick and just signing papers that morning I didn't think far ahead. Thank goodness Anthony had just mowed the front before the mower died cause we couldn't find the gas can. Today the place looks alot better! Thanks to mom and Wayne for helping declutter around the shed and finishing mowing the grass and edging. Looks great! Now I am just waiting for Hunter to fall asleep so I can sweep and mop the living room floor and kitchen. I got to do it by hand cause it hasn't had TLC in a long time. Still sick but I am always crummy in the am but than I get better so will see how much my nose drips on the floor. Bathrooms are next after the kids wake up and we have to make a trip to Home Depot to get new covers for an outlet I broke with the new couch. But I see a light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the house. I have to finish folding laundry and I have to finish putting kids clothes they have grown out of in bins and than the pantry will be more organized. I worked on the shed a little bit while mom watched the kids on the porch now you can open the door without it not wanting to open cause of all the stuff in there! Gotta jet and see if it is floor time!

Random things again.

I went to IKEA this evening with my mom and didn't spend a penny. I am doing good with my ultra tight budget! I also spent the kids's Easter money on their milk and little smokies for them and me. Hope that was ok!? Today I found out we don't have to pay taxes and we are getting money back totally cool news! At least something is going right in my life. Yeah, me! I should be doing the dishes right now but I have already today and I just can't get into them. I made cupcakes for the family that I wanted to do for Easter I took a pic but I will post tomorrow to lazy tonight. My sinuses are acting up and I feel a headache from them. Bummer. Did I tell you all yet that my new word for sorry is bummer? Yep, came up with that on my own. I am always saying sorry and so I am trying to tone that word down in my world and have changed it to bummer. I use it when I email or text especially to Larry it is my new way of showing him I have changed and it makes me laugh when I do it.

Protein. That is my new thing. I need to eat protein. Not a big protein fan but gotta do it cause that is what I have been told. So peanuts, meat, cottage cheese, milk here I come. My counselor said Greek yogurt. Not sure about that one. I will finish the yogurt I have in my fridge first, thanks. Yes, I have talked to the big wigs at work they know I need to keep a food journal I haven't yet but they know that was a big step for me so they have been told. Now I just gotta eat better and take care of me. Along with the kids, animals, and house :).

Grace sings. I showed mom how Grace sings today. My inlaws gave my kids wonderful singing Easter toys for both kids and Grace sings the song to them and I am lucky that both toys sing the same song. It is pretty cute when she does it. It is the song I can see clearly now the rain has come. She can even do the bright, bright sunshiny day. I will try to get her on video I tried tonight but she was too tired to perform for the camera. She also is getting pretty good at singing the ABC song. Of course she doesn't say them all but you can tell she is trying to say some of the letters.

My Hunter bear is starting to calm down. He still messes with Kramer when I get home and he still is loud and gets in trouble when I get home or we get home I think it is just a thing for him but other than that he is getting better in the listening department just a little bit. His new thing is he wants me to carry him. Which is fine but I think he is close to 40 lbs and he isn't a lightweight. I think he sees me holding Grace and wants to be held too. So I do it sometimes but sometimes I don't have the energy to do it but I try my best to.

Tomorrow is clean up day. I cleaned today but I wasn't feeling good the first half of the day but then my Sudafed kicked in and when I went to fax house papers in Canby and went to Fred Meyers as I was walking in to get the kiddos some milk I saw a patient family from the clinic and before I got through the slider doors of the store they handed me a venti carmael hot cococa and asked if I wanted it cause their son didn't want it and they got it for him when they were all shopping and didn't know where he was in Fred Meyers and he didn't want it. How in the world can I say no to a Starbucks beverage that is free! ? Never before have I had this drink and it was so delicous! Very thankful and felt loved that they would do this for me! And for my blog readers it is a neighbour who lives by family who did it! But back to tomorrow. I got to finish the laundry and putting it away. Today I mopped the laundry room and made it all pretty and de-cluttered it and my mop bucket has a hole in it so I am just going to save money and use bowls fromt he kitchen. I am also cleaning and mopping the hardwood floors! I also have to tackle both bathroom floors and tubs. Should be fun with the kiddos but I think it can be done! We will have the house almost spic and span by Monday and maybe just maybe we will get some bits in the next week! House sign comes maybe Wednesday or later in the week! Very glad I have one more day to work with the house before going back to work.

:)

I sold a highchair today on Craigslist! I love seeing the item in my house, taking it's picture, posting it on Craigslist and having someone come and give me money and have them take it away! Makes me :) more money going into savings for keeping us in the clear for the short sale!

House is going on the market.

We filled out papers today to put the house on the market. It is going for $189,950. The realtor came and took pictures of the house. Lock box is on the door. Anthony mowed the grass. Dad is going to see if he can move the pop trailer to his house. Things are happening to get this house on the market. I am excited and terrified at the same time. I am sad that I have to let my house go but it is to small for us. I am terrified about my future. I hope I still have money if we sell the house and I can make it on my own if that is what my future holds. I know I can it is just the unknown that is over my head. But my counselor, friends, and family say I just have to move on with the kids and not worry about Larry anymore he is on his own timeline and I can't dwell on it anymore. It is hard once again I tried to get answers but I guess for now I am not meant to know that. Bummer. So I go another week and a half or whatever it is tell Larry comes home and I don't even know when that is and how long it will be and if he goes back up again. I just know that I have to take care of myself, the kids, the animals and the house especially the house. Now I have to make certain everything is sparkling clean. Great, but this is what I wanted so I shouldn't complain. I looked on the internet for apartments, or townhouses, or rental homes in Canby. It isn't looking very good in that area so I stopped looking cause that is another road I have to venture down if we sell the house but I thought I would look. Bummed me out but will see what happens when it happens. If you know anyone who wants to buy a 2 bedroom 2 bath house in Oregon City for the price above let me know!

So...

another weekend has come my way. I hate weekends. But for some crazy odd reason I am OK tonight. I am OK with this up and coming weekend. Maybe it is because of the house and getting it on the market. Maybe it is because I have done this so much now it is about time I just deal with weekends. Maybe it is because I know Larry doesn't want to be in Canada anymore. Maybe it is because he is sending me emails and texts but I am not to read anything into them. I have no clue but when he was here the last time I told him to "bring it" bring on the time it isn't my enemy anymore. Maybe I am just to the point of burning out and time is his enemy now. I don't know anymore. But for some reason I am not stressing about this weekend. Don't get me wrong I have my ups and downs almost every other hour but I am getting better at controlling them. I have realized that if Larry wants back in I have been hurt so much and I have no clue how far he went with this girl that he has to fight to want me back and I don't even know if he wants to. So I keep fighting for all of us but now I realize that I am worth so much and if he wants me back he has to really work on fixing himself and not be an Eeyore and be a Tigger like I have learned to be cause I don't want to be an Eeyore anymore and if he can't then I don't know what else to do but to go down that other road. Am I wrong?

stressing.

I am stressing. I guess that is normal but I am trying to keep myself from not but I keep failing in this department. I am human. Yesterday, I talked to a realtor about the house. Almost signed papers but just had to make sure I could do certain parts of the house deal. Today figured out the good and the bad about selling the house and what I need to do. If your wondering if Larry is on board he is but I am the one on this end doing it all and making sure it gets done and we all make out ahead in the end. That is the part I am stressing about. Selling the house honestly would be so much easier if I knew what my future held. I am just being honest. If I knew I was getting a divorce then I would know what I have to save and what I don't. If I knew my marriage was on the possiblity of getting fixed than I would know that I am working with Larry in preparing our future and dealing with our money as a whole and not seperate. Right now I am looking at this house selling and knowing what I have and I do not know what Larry has. Am I making any sense without just spilling it all out. Basically, we can sell this house and both be ok or we can sell this house and both not be ok but we haven't even went down the road of what our future holds as a couple or not a couple. So my goal is to make this house sell that we both make out in the end and we both can still buy a house and not lose our credit with the bank and not be able to buy a house for the next 2 years and that means with or without divorce. So I am stressing. I want this all to work out and not put us in the hole and have the bank deal with a short sale I want us/larry and I to deal with a short sale and still have good credit. If I do this and our house sells well we are good. If I do this and our house doesn't sell wll then we will have to deal with this. Either way I am doing this house sale for all of us. I just don't know still where I stand in my marriage but I have to move forward with selling the house and finding a place for me and the kids in Canby and will see what Larry decides. Right now I just want us all to be ok and that I make the right decisions and that Larry communicates more and maybe I will have answers about how my life will turn before this house sells. Yes, he is helping with the house but I just wish he wasn't in Canada so I didn't have to do this long distance and rely on family to help me with getting the house ready even if it means mowing the lawn or watching the kids so I can do a super good job of cleaning and fixing up the house. So I am stressing cause there is a good chance our house will go on the market this weekend. I am stressing about making sure I have enough money for the short sale, I am stressing about not having any money left if we do sell the house and I have to get us in an apartment/or rent a home with all the animal deposits. So much to think about so much to plan and I know what I have on my end and it would be easier if I knew about my future and not be in limbo anymore about my marriage. Need prayer. Please pray that my house sells well meaning the amount that will not put us over and have to short sale with the bank. I would love to tell you what that amount is but I can't right now, sorry. Pray that our house does sell and that I can move on with the kids. Pray that Larry can decide soon what he wants so we can all move on.

words.

Grace is talking up a storm. She can say yah which is yes to her if you ask her if she wants something she says yah. She also can say ok. That is a new one for her. She has slept awesome that last 2 nights on her new mattress cover and flannel sheets I think I finally figured out that mystery. She was getting too cold and when she would move the cotton sheets would make noise and she would wake up. She still wakes up at 6:00am but if I give her a bottle she will drink it in her bed and fall back to sleep. Totally do that on the weekends and on Thursday am's! Hunter also has been sleeping the whole night through the last 3 nights since he puked last he has slept like a charm. The difference is I took the nightlight out of the plug in that I have in the kitchen so it isn't so bright in the living room and he wants his door open since Larry last left and I have been doing it the last 3 nights and also since he puked with his milk he hasn't had as much milk going to bed as he used to. And he sleeps until 7am! We are making progess! Thanks Cammie for the advise about the moon light I might have to get one if this doesn't continue! Thanks Jessie for the advise about all the layers on the bed I have 2 layers on Hunter's so I am learning. It is just when Hunter wants to sleep on his floor and only has one layer under him is when it gets messy but he goes to sleep faster and easier when he wants to sleep on the floor so whatever works to get him to sleep before 10pm works for me!

busy day

Both kids slept the whole night through! Yeah! Grace woke up at 6 am and Hunter woke up at 7 am! But I was still awaken in the night I have no clue what time it was but Misha must have jumped on the bed and started coughing and woke me up and woke up the cats and me and the animals were up for awhile. Then for some reason I woke up at 5:30am with a tickle cough and ended up on the couch with a cough drop and praying Grace would not wake up at 6 am but she did. But I got more sleep then I have in awhile, but it took me awhile to fall asleep last night just thinking up a storm. I dropped off the kiddos at daycare today and headed to my counseling appt this morning and I was kinda nervous cause I hadn't been in 3 weeks due to my dental cavity appts and I didn't even know where to start with my drama or what to talk about I just knew I needed help in the self esteem department and didn't want to talk about divorce anymore. It went well. Came back with a couple of things to remember and I have to keep a food journal and make people at work look at it everyday and make sure I am eating enough. I honestly am trying. I am not trying to be anorexic or anything like that I just am trying to take care of everyone and thing around me and I have two vocal kiddos demanding my time and I am trying to be the best for them since they got me full time and so I want to be there for them. I would never even think of going anorexic that would be very stupid I have two kids and too much to live for to let what is going on in my life get me that low. I am eating I am just not getting enough protein I guess so I gotta try better and eat better for me. So my counselor suggested getting Jo or DeOna on board to make sure this happens so I gotta do this it sucks but it shows that I am doing my all for me and for my kids. After my counseling appt went to the clinic to get some food that I knew would be there because it is Jo's bday this weekend and Nicole had her name and I knew what she was bringing to eat so I chowed on the food and than went to my 3rd dentist appt and had two cavities worked on. I am on the homestretch on getting my teeth fixed! I just have one more appt next Thursday and I am done! Yeah! This time instead of my ear being numb or half my face it was numbe up to my eyeball. Nice, weird, and different. But it wore off quicker this time and no complaints. I am getting to be a pro at this cavity stuff. My dentist and dentist helper are gonna miss seeing me I just know it :). Next on my list was to call Misha's vet and see if I could get her Abx's and not bring her in and that was a no. I take her to a vet off of Barber Blvd because that is where we went when we lived up there and when we first got her. I know the people and it is a walk in vet and I trust them. So I put 2 items on Craigslist and got ready to go to meet with the realtor lady and before I left I had already sold my two iteams on Craigslist! A double stroller and a co-sleeper! I am so addicted to selling stuff on Craigslist now! I went to the appt with the realtor didn't sign papers I have to think about it for the night and get back to her. I am pretty sure what I want to do I just have to make sure I have the money to do it. And I have no clue what my future holds so I am trying to do this without to much fuss and try not to damage mine or Larry's credit or house buying future with whatever happens. It just would be alot easier to know what to do with the house if I knew I was going to be married or if I was getting divorced but I am going to try not to let that get me down or influence what happens. Yes, Larry is on board with selling the house but since I am here and I am wanting out of it I get the job and maybe it will show that I am growing up and getting stronger. Will see how it plays out and if I make the right decisions. Pray for me and Larry about this house stuff cause I am hoping it goes well. After I met with the realtor I came back and finalized my craigslist pick ups and took Misha to the vet. She does have kennel cough but that is ok. I took her to the place where she was exposed I knew she could or could not get it I just wanted her to be happy and she was so it is a bummer she is sick but I don't think she is that bad she could be worse and we caught it in time so she should be good. I came home my mom had picked up the kiddos and her and Wayne stayed while the craiglisters came and picked up my stuff I put on and between selling Grace's old crib, double stroller, and co-sleeper I got $115 which isn't bad considering the stuff could have just sat around for years, right? My mom and Wayne helped me clean the fish tank just in case I get the house on the market in the next day or so and than I just hung out with the kiddos for the rest of the night. Busy day. Alot got done and thanks mom and Wayne for all your help and thanks Annie for watching the kiddos so I could get all this done! I am feeling better thank goodness! Now I just got to get Misha well and we should be good.

I love IKEA

Can I tell you how much I love IKEA! We have gotten so much stuff from there in regards to the kiddos room furniture and toys. Tonight the kids, Misha, and I went to IKEA to get Grace a mattress topper for above her mattress. Hunter has one on his big boy bed that I got a couple months ago that fits 3/4th's of it and I use it for when he pees or pukes on his bed and I toss it in the laundry and nothing gets to his mattress. Love, love, love it! Yesterday I tried to see if it would fit in Grace's crib and it does it is just a little bit snug but with washing's I am pretty sure it will work. Grace's mattress is always cold for some reason she has thin sheets on it and she moves all over her crib throughout the night and naptime that I do not put covers on her and she out grew her co-sleeper jammies. So I thought why not get another crib mattress topper and use it to keep her mattress from not being so cold and make it nice and soft for her and when she gets a big girl bed we can just transfer it to that. So that is what I did went to IKEA got a mattress topper for $19.99 and some flannel sheets 2 for $6.99 in pink and now Grace has a nice hopefully warm bed to sleep in. And yes I didn't wash them I will tomorrow but I wanted to make sure I get some sleep and Grace is nice and comfy and warm tonight. She was so tired when we got back she had her bottle and I put her in her bed she looked at me and was unsure I think she realized it was different and softer but she is out cold so she must like it. Now if she gets sick or gets the flu and pukes in her bed it should be easy to clean up and I recommend any parent get this mattress cover it is the coolest thing!

I am still sick but I think I am on the homestretch. It went in my lungs today but Sudafed is doing it's job and I am going to take Theraflu in a few and hope my kids sleep better than last night. I kinda figured out why Hunter keeps waking up at 3:30-4:00am. He is talking in his sleep and than 1/2 hour later he is awake and asking for milk. Normally I would just let him talk away but he gets too loud and than I have both kids awake. He feel back to sleep after 4:30am and Grace woke up at 5:00am and she was screaming so I had to get her milk and that woke up Hunter about 5:30am and he kept saying Mama I wake up over and over again and by this time Grace is back to sleep and there was no way in Hell I was going to let Hunter get up and he wasn't happy and proceeded to ball but I just walked away and went to bed and was so frustrated with it all and had to find a cough drop for my throat that I just wanted to bury my head in my pillow and sleep the rest of the morning away but nope Grace woke up at 6:10am 5 minutes before my alarm went off and she was all about getting up. So I hope both kids sleep great tonight and don't wake up till 6 or after than maybe I can really start getting the rest I need to get rid of this cold and stop coughing.

Puke

Grace went to sleep right at 8:30pm she is my good sleeper. Hunter went to bed at 9:15pm and is laying on his floor. He wanted nice warm milk and he was hiccuping and I told him to wait to drink it after he was done hiccuping cause I didn't want him to puke. Should have been my first clue. I went to read my magazine and to drink my warm Theraflu so I could go to bed and I heard Hunter crying. Went in his room and of course he puked. All over his pillow, blanket, and his under blanket that I put under him when he sleeps on the floor. Amazingly enough he didn't get it all over him I did have to change his pj's but I didn't have to toss him in the bathtub. Thank goodness cause I really didn't feel like doing it and than that would mean he would be up even longer. As I am undressing him he is talking about his puke and how the cats puke and they need to puke in their litter box and that he needs to get new litter for his floor so he can puke on it. I tell you things kids come up with. I had to tell him no he didn't need litter and that is only for the cats and it would be great if the cats puked in the litter instead of our floor and he said yes it would and that they needed to. He said he puked because of his nice warm milk and that he probably shouldn't have nice warm milk anymore cause it makes him puke on his pillow. I said yes he probably shouldn't. So I put his puked up bedding on the washing machine it will smell very nice tomorrow but I honestly don't feel good to clean it up right now and it is too much work. He is back in his bed with a new pillow a purple blanket we are pretending to use as a pillow and a new blanket aka the blanket that lays on papa's chair. As I am walking out he asks for nice warm milk and I said didn't it make you puke and he said yes and that he wants water. Crazy boy. So we will see how long he stays up now that he has an empty belly and water to drink. Please Lord let him fall asleep fast and not stay up till 10:45pm like last night. Gotta get back to my Theraflu. Theraflu take me away! Side note...this is my 3rd puke in Hunter's room with Hunter since Larry has been in Canada since last October. I think I have had my quota on puke and think that it is Larry's turn don't you all think?! :) No one tell Grace how to puke or I am a goner. Puke doesn't bug me it is just the hassle of cleaning it and trying to get the smell to go away and to make sure you got it all. Back to my Theraflu it is calling my name...

Getting sick.

I never get sick. But I am getting sick. Started Sunday night with a sore throat woke up with it had it all day yesterday and today and now I am coughing. Checked for strep today don't have it. I just hope I have some Theraflu in the cupboard and get a great night sleep. The kiddos once again are not being fair in the sleeping department. I blame it on their vitamins but I am trying to be a good mom and give them to them everyday and just power through with their sensative bellies. I hope I shake this cold today and it doesn't get deeper in my lungs cause I will be up a creek. Lots to do this week and kiddos to take care of and work to power through.

Miss Bella did great yesterday with her heart surgery and I even got a picture of her when she was at the hospital texted to me to my phone. Made my day cause then I knew she really was ok and it was all over with and she was coming home! Yeah to the Elliott family that ordeal is done!

Tomorrow is the Knopp funeral, I believe. Totally feel for this family. I am so thankful everynight that I have my children with me. I can't even imagine what they are going through and what happens tomorrow and the rest of their lives. Feel, feel, feel for them.

Random

My days and evenings are getting so full this week I can't believe it! I need some down time tonight with my kiddos cause Thursday is full and I am not going to hang out with them much on my day off. Only two more Thursdays off and than full time! Exciting and sad at the same time. I am so about budgeting my money and it will make me feel better for the extra cash to put towards credit cards. I sold Grace's little crib last friday and I am so excited about that and now I have to figure out how to make my pictures smaller for me to post a double stroller and co-sleeper on Craig's list. If anyone is interested I am selling the double stroller for $40 and the co-sleeper for $25. I am about selling stuff and getting rid of clutter right now cause I am praying that our house sells soon and doesn't take a year to sell. But I haven't figured out yet where we go when we sell the house. Still up in the air but I gotta figure out Plan A and Plan B. Hunter has not been the greatest at listening very well and not eating much so I am working on those issues and potty training still I hope this weekend we just chill and I can do it full force. Cross your fingers for me!

1st Photography class!

I bet you thought I forgot to post something today?! I didn't I just had a very busy day and my evening went out later than I thought. I went to my first photography class it was basic photography and I learned alot and it was pretty fun. I guess there is two more classes one tomorrow night and another monday night but that is for advanced photography and I didn't sign up for that but that would be my next one. But I will try to grab it on another month or when it is offered again cause it goes over how to work your camera. So here is just a little bit that I learned cause I got to go to bed. When you are taking a picture of a group figure out the background first and the lighting and than put your people in front of it, if you budget to buy a camera for $2000 buy a $400 camera and a $1600 lens cause cameras are camera's but where it all is at is in the lens, don't put your subject in the middle of the shot add variety and put them on the side or somewhere that is unique, do only 1 or 2 colors don't use alot of colors because then the person looking will not tell what your subject or theme is, patterns are interesting but patterns that are interrupted are dynamic.

There you go! 2.5 hours of photography and I learned alot more but it is all about shutters, modes, and metering but to confusing to post. I hope to take another class maybe next month and finish out the advanced or take a photoshop photography class because that is what I really want to do is be able to understand that program so I can work with the pics I take of my kids and places we go.

Night everyone I got to check on my babies since I didn't put them down tonight. Thanks mom and wayne for watching the kiddos and staying longer cause of my teacher talking so much! Hope you feel better mom!

Easter!

It was a good Easter. We had Easter last Sunday with my mom and Easter dinner with my mom on Friday and than Robinson's this morning and I cooked a non-Easter dinner for my mom and Wayne this evening cause I had a haircut in the middle of the day on Easter. Crazy I know but they were open. It was a good Easter but I honestly wish that Larry was here to experience it with us. I am glad it is the last holiday we have to do this way with him in Canada and will see what time brings for the rest of the holiday's after Canada. I got a text from him today it was nice. It made my Easter. Happy Easter everyone. Thanks to all the family for letting us have a fun Easter this year and for all the Easter gifts and goodies.

Dancing!

Finally got my camera to work thanks mom for the cord! Here is a video I have wanted to post of Grace dancing. Enjoy she islistening to Faith Hill, I think. Sorry it is dark and I took it before she went to bed that is why she has her passy and her blanket.

I wasn't very smart today!

I got so much done but I did do mistakes and I just have to laugh about it. The first one was when I put the kids and Misha in the car to go to Home Depot and locked the doors I went to the shed to find the can of paint for the walls and to get the stroller out that I want to sell on craigslist. Well I was taking forever to find the paint and I found two that were close to the right color and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find the right name on the cans. I though maybe it just wore off. Honestly I did. Got back to the car and the kiddos. During nap time I painted the spots on the walls but it was alot darker and I thought it would just lightened as it dried. Well it didn't by the time Hunter woke up it was still the same color so I distracted him with Little Einstein and went to the shed again while Grace slept. Finally found the Toasted Cashew that I was looking for and couldn't believe I had just put the color that the previous owner had on the walls before us. Crazy I know but I didn't think we kept it. Got back in the house and of course Hunter was all about helping me. So that was my first not so smart thing.

The second. A few weeks back I saw a cute idea for cupcakes for Easter and I wanted to make it for all the family members for tomorrow. It was a cupcake with a Peeps on it. I do not like Peeps but I thought it was cute. I bought everything for them a few weeks back and stored it above my fridge. Well I wanted to make hard boiled eggs tomorrow for the Robinson's get together just in case we wanted to color eggs again and I had a busy afternoon and evening out and about that when we got home Grace went to sleep and Hunter was still up. I knew I had to boil the eggs and still make the cupcakes and get Hunter down and not be up all night. So I thought I would try to start doing all this without him knowing cause I knew he would love to help but than wouldn't go to bed till after ten. So I boiled a dozen eggs cooled them and put them back in the carton. That was all done and Hunter was none the wiser. So I figured out what cupcake trays I was going to use and what color to use for the papers and I was so excited about what colors I had chosen. Can you tell where this is going? Yep I got out my cool mixing bowl and put the powder in and went to get the eggs for it and realized I had hard boiled all the eggs! Dummy. I was so bummed. I looked at the nasty, cute purple and blue Peeps and knew it wasn't going to work. I was so sad I wanted to do this for the family and suprise them all that I backed cupcakes and I wanted to give them to them as a thank you and I couldn't even make them cause I didn't think it all out! :( So the next time I am at the store I will get more eggs make them and then give them to family after way after Easter. But I tried. It is the thought that counts, right? They would have been cute. They will be when I make them cause the Peeps can't stay in my house I don't like to eat them :). So there you go I wasn't very smart today.

Today, I was praying all day and thinking about others today. I realized that my drama is not as bad as what other people are going through and I need to take another step back and not complain so much about my life. Today, I found out that a family I used to know at Canby Alliance lost their daughter in a car crash she was 18 and the last time I saw their daughter she was about 8 and I had helped teach her younger sister in one of my sunday school classes. She was driving with her little brother who I also taught in one of my sunday school classes and he was hurt but the last I heard he was going to live. I am so heart broken for this family. They almost lost 2 out of 3 of there kids and to know they lost one is just heart wrenching. They are the sweetest family in the world and their whole family is amazing. I wouldn't know what to do if I had lost one of my babies let alone both. I can't even imagine. I was and still am thinking of this family and as I was complaining of saying I don't want to do this anymore this family was grieving the loss of their oldest daughter and hoping their youngest would be ok. I am feeling pretty selfish about how I complained I have nothing to complain about compared to what this family is going through. My heart and prayers are with them and their extended family.

Another family my sweet friend, Cammie, her family is going through a hard weekend too. Their big girl, Bella, who is 2 months older than Hunter has to have heart surgery on Monday. I could not even imagine what is going on or through their heads waiting and inticipating what will happen and getting ready for Monday. I know what it was like for us when Hunter had his colonoscopy and that was tough for us but this is Bella's heart. Totally different. I am pretty sure and very hopeful that it will all go well but just knowing she has to have it done isn't fun or going to be easy but they have so many people, me included praying for her and I know she will come out of this surgery with flying colors. But again I am being selfish about my drama and it is nothing compared to my friend and her husband and their family getting ready for Monday.

So to my friends out there that are praying for me. If you could add these two families to your prayer list that would be awesome and alot of you probably already have them on but spread the word a little more prayer will go along way!

Honey-do list

I did my own Honey-do list today. Since I don't have Larry here to help me do things I just did it on my own sort of. The kids, Misha, and I went to Home Depot got a small brush, one single paper of sandpaper, and new kitchen blinds. Used a gift card saved some money and spent $5. Nice. One kid asleep the other on his floor talking away and hopefully falling asleep soon. But I was able to sand and paint the holes in the walls that Wayne fixed weeks ago while he was talking away in the dark. I will have to have help putting up the new kitchen blind since Lucy put a hole through the one that is up so she could see outside. That is it for my list. Not much but at least it is a start. Now I got to finish Grace's tie blanket, take pictures of a stroller that I want to sell on craig's list, then order pictures for some frames that have been sitting on the computer desk, then after the kiddos wake up heading to Canby and cleaning out annie's attic of our kids accesories minus the clothes and gonna try and sell them to people or on Craig's list and if not there than in a garage sale hopefully soon. Trying to declutter again and set aside money to sell this house! Gotta go cause I got to do more on my Honey-do list. :)

Took a step back.

About an hour ago I took a step back in my overwhelmingness of this up and coming weekend and realized something. People have been telling me but I am slow and so much has been going on that I forgot about this part of my drama.

Larry left me.
Larry left the kids.

He might not think it this way but this is what happened. He walked out of this relationship wanting separation to see what he wanted because he was not happy and he left us and went to stay elsewhere to think about this all and he needs space and time to see if he can let me back in. But he really left me and the kids. I was taking this all personally and I should and I shouldn't. I honestly have given it my all to get us back together I would even forgive him for having feelings for another girl and for doing this to us. I get why he did honestly I do. But you know what?

He knows were I stand but he has decide whether to come back or not. But. He left me. He left me and the kids. I have given it my all to this point. He has to want to come back. He needs to want to come back. He left and he has to realize he wants back and it isn't up to me it is up to him. He has to show me he is in this to win it or not. I have done everything he needs to either get out or fight to get me and the kids back. Am I wrong about this? He has to bend over backwards and forwards to get back in this to want it for him, for me, for the family. If he doesn't that is his choice because he did this separation he got it this bad he wanted more time he wanted more space he wanted out and to be separate from me and the kids. He walked out. So he should do everything in his power to get back in or get out. Right? All I have to do is take care of my family and see what God brings? Right? I have done my all and Larry knows what I thought a week ago and now it is up to him to bring whatever to the plate. Am I thinking logically about this? I think I am. But I am so emotionally and physically in this I am not sure but at the moment I am all about being stronger and I think that Larry has brought so much out in the open that I have done my best to show him I love him and I have went to counseling that it is in his court and if he still loves me and wants to make this marriage work he needs to fight and want my love if not than he needs to let us go and make us both happy somewhere down the line. Right? So I took a step back again and realized that I deserve to feel loved. I have been showing Larry that I love him he should feel like a stallion and if he doesn't than he needs to let this go and let us both move on with our lives. And if he still loves me and is keeping it at bay than it is his lose cause he needs to fight for our marriage and not think about it so much cause I am ready to get to fixing it and making it better but if he isn't than it is his lose. I didn't leave he did and he needs to want to fight to get me back.

So I am back to saying "Bring it"! to Larry's time and space! I know I go back and forth on this but I am a girl I have feelings, emotions and longings. I am for my family being together but I don't know how long I can keep up this feeling I need some sign from Larry a text, and email, a call...something to keep me going and than I am good. But if Larry wants back he needs to work for it cause I am worth it! Right?! I didn't marry to just give it a chance I married for life I didn't do the first 7 years correctly according to all that I have been told so far but bring it! I can do the next 50 years! Now that I am getting help and I just have to have Larry on board and being honest and communicating and if he isn't than let me find closure so I can go on with my life with or without another man.

Pink Tulips

Today Grace, my mom and Wayne brought me pink tulips to me at work this afternoon. It was a nice treat. They are very pretty and are sitting in my kitchen under the window. I love having flowers in my kitchen. Sorry about the sad post earlier I am just in a funk I need to be thankful for the things around me like my kids and flowers. I just am sad and I don't want to be sad anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

That is all I keep telling myself the last 1/2 hour. I don't want to live in limbo anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to know if Larry doesn't love me or does. I don't want to wait for him to decide I am worth coming back to. I don't want to go through weekends not knowing what is going on and if he is having a great time in Canada or not. I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't know how to make it stop. Everyone says just give Larry time but what about me? They want me to get stronger and I am some days but than I am weak the next. I just don't want to do this anymore can anyone please make it stop? Once again I need prayer cause I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to have to do this till July. I don't know what to do and I don't want to do this anymore. Last week I knew what I wanted this week I am just more confused. All I want to do is talk to Larry and I know that isn't what he wants or is it. I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to feel beautiful and loved and I am just feeling the exact opposite and I don't even know anymore if it is worth it. I don't know what to think anymore I just want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask? I just don't want to do this anymore.

wrong

So I was wrong on how many pounds I have lost, thank goodness! I have only lost 16 total so that makes me feel alot better and yes I am eating and drinking my Ensure thanks to my mom!

The weekend is almost here and I don't like weekends anymore and I am trying not to let them get to me but this one involves another holiday. I thought I was ok with no more holiday's but with Easter I started stressing and feeling overwhelmed. I think the part that I really don't like is that Larry is missing out on another holiday with the kids. I am not meaning that I like to do them by myself I certainly don't but I feel bad that he doesn't get to participate and see their smiles and see what happens. I know when he has the kids that is the part I don't like is I am missing out on something they are doing and I really don't like that. But I think Easter will be ok all the family is letting me and the kids be a part of it so that is nice. I have to get better at my weekends. I think I am just overwhelmed with it all cause it is just me and the kids and I still have no clue what my future holds. I tried to get some answers from Larry so I could make it through the weekends but I am once again going through them with no answers. I am trying to think positive and keep thinking that Larry said he will remember all that I said but I hope it makes a difference. My new fear is that he is getting used to not being around me for weeks and weekends on it so that is making it easier for him to move on without me. Silly I know but I just want some communication from him cause then I know where I stand. People say that Larry might be taking baby steps to get back into our marriage but it still hurts me that he is and that I am not worth just breaking his wall and letting me in. But I gotta deal with it. Sorry I am so down I just didn't get much sleep with both kids waking me up and than I ended up sleeping on the couch at 5:30am and I am just dreading this weekend. I got 3 to deal with and the first one is always the hardest than the second one gets easier than the third I am doing ok but than Larry comes home the next and I am back to wondering what my life will bring me and if I am going to be disappointed again and told I have to wait more which isn't good for my ego and self-esteem.