Country

I have loved country music for a few years and for some reason I like it even more, not sure why. My new favorite song is Keep You by Sugarland. Some of the words are what I have been saying. Not all the words are about me but alot of them are.

Best multivitamin ever!

I have been meaning to post this info for awhile. I have never been good at taking a MVI (mulit-vitamin) until now! Amanda at work introduced me to the best MVI ever! Thanks Amanda! They are from Costco and they are Gummy Vitamins for adults called MultiVites. They are right next to the kids gummy vitamins! No more huge horse pill of a MVI to take. All you do is chewy two of these in the morning everyday and you are set! How cool is that! I have been taking my MVI's for almost a month or two and I am getting so much better at taking them since I don't have to choke on a horse pill! Also, it seems like every Costco coupon book has a coupon for these vitamins so you pretty much save all the time! So the next time your in Costco and you don't want to swallow a horse pill get yummy chewy gummy vitamins for adults and chew your vitamins everyday! If you do let me know what you think!
I also get Costco's Vitamin D pills cause I gotta take 2 of them everyday and that probably isn't enough but at least I am getting them and thank goodness they are very tiny gel pills. I also have started to try to swallow Fish Oil pills these are huge they are the size of a regular MVI pill and I am not a fan of them but I just started taking 2 of these 3 days ago and it is to help with being sad and it is good to help with cholesterol, which I have no problem and it seems to help with your digestive track! So I am on my way to being healthy with my chewy MVI, Vitamin D, and my nasty (horse pill) Fish oil! I should have lots of energy now to keep up with my kids! Who also get chewy MVI's at Costco and Grace had her first one tonight. I haven't been giving Hunter his MVI's or Fluoride because it made his belly upset with watery BM's and made him wake up in the middle of the night so I am hoping now that they are both older it will be better. I actually haven't done either one with Grace but she has the same issues so far that her brother had when he was little so I am pretty sure they have the same kind of stomach sensitivities. So will see how the week goes with them with their MVI's. I will start their Fluoride up again this weekend.

Air Muesum pictures

My camera photo card isn't working in our computer not sure if it is the computer or the card. Bummer. Here are some pictures my mom downloaded for me from one of the family trips we took to the Air Museum.
Aren't they just to cute! They loved the kid section of the museum I took a cute video of Grace dancing on Monday night but I can't download it :( maybe tomorrow I will figure out my camera problem.

Made a Costco trip tonight. I love Costco I wish I could spend more money there but that is ok. I always take Misha with us cause she likes to go where we go. The bummer part is I don't have room for her and diapers and cat litter but we make do and I pile it around her she probably loves it.

Missed both hail storms this afternoon/evening! Came home after work missed the hail came home after Costco missed the hail again it must have hailed alot cause it looked like snow on the road and I was the first car to go up our hill on it.

Started reading my next book. Signed up for my beginner photography class. Figured out my budget. Have a call into the realtor. Called all my friends who have left messages. Getting things checked off my list. Just got to be better at potty training dude and keep up with the laundry. More dental surgery tomorrow on 2 more cavities but at least I know what is going to happen. Hopefully my ear isn't numb again for 2 days. Grace can climb onto the kitchen chairs and loves to sit on them and then climb up on the table. She thinks she is the funniest thing sitting in the middle of it. Hunter is getting better with his sentences and getting better with his manners just depends on the day. He is making facial expressions when he talks and when he is thinking of what to say. Pretty funny. He is getting more emotional when he is very sad about something he gets sad very quick and it is heart breaking cause you know he is hurting. So now I can tell the fake and real cries from this new heart breaking cry. Misha is finally recovered from her playdate with 3 dogs on Saturday.

I started putting lotion on Hunter's feet at night while he was watching his Little Einstein about 2 weeks ago and been doing it almost everynight since. Two of his toes on the tips were cracking and he kept picking at them so I put lotion on his feet and he loved it. I was putting on some not great smelling lotion that I got at Trader Joe's and I am not a great fan of the smell and I would have to wash my hands cause it was on mine. Well one evening when Larry was here to hang out with the kids and Hunter was almost going to bed he asked me to put lotion on his feet so I did and I told Larry I wanted to put my girly smelling lotion on him but I didn't think he would like that and Larry said he didn't care. So tonight I put on my girly stuff on his feet! He has beautiful Victoria Secret Pear lotion on his feet and toe toes! He smells so good and so does my hands! Not sure if Larry will like it but we smell good here and the house smells good! :)

Fish tank

I have officially attempted to clean our fish tank. All I have ever done for the fishes we have had for years is feed them pretty much everynight. I have never once cleaned it that has been Larry's job. Will I had to clean it tonight. I didn't do it the way Larry does he empties it halfway and cleans the sides of the tank and does a great job pruning the plants and than fills it up again. Not gonna happen that way. I don't trust the fish not to get sucked up in the tube especially when I have two eager beavers to help me. Yes, I know I should do it when they are asleep but that wouldn't be until this weekend and it needed TLC now. So I did the lazy woman's way of cleaning and used a rag to clean the algae off the front of the tank. Mind you it isn't perfect at all but I had eager beavers wanting to help and my arms where way to deep in water that I didn't want a slimy fish to graze my fingers even if I am the giver of food. It doesn't look the greatest but it looks better. Got to attempt it again tomorrow or the next day. But at least I can officially say I cleaned the fish tank!

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished reading this book tonight. It took me almost a month to read it. It was ok it wasn't my favorite book ever to read. I think it was because it started off with the writer divorcing her husband and seeing her side of it all. And I had started reading it right around the time of divorce talk in my world. Would I recommend the book, not sure if you love fiction and a good romance this isn't the book for you. My next book to read is Anxious to Please. I have read the first chapter and it already made me cry cause it is dead right about me and so I gotta suck it up and read the whole thing and find out the 7 revolutionary practices for the chronically nice. Lovely.

Tired.

Last night Hunter didn't fall asleep until 10:45pm. Tonight he didn't fall asleep until 10:15pm. This mama is a tired mama. Maybe nap time for dude is done? I don't know but I know that I need down time for me and it doesn't happen when he goes to bed that late and when I want to go to bed at 10:00pm. :(

larry

I got to step back and put myself in Larry's shoes. He doesn't want to go to Canada anymore. He knows he has to for months and months. He misses his kids like crazy. It is tearing it up inside that he will not get to see his kids grow up for more months now and will not get to hang out with them. He gets to work up in Canada and sleep in a hotel for 3 more weeks and he just wants to be done. Then you put in he doesn't know what to do with his marriage. He finally got to the point where he had to do something and to him this was the only way cause I wasn't listening the other ways, and I honestly wasn't. He has to decide if he wants out so he can find happiness with someone else that he deserves but than he will not be with his kids. He can decide to get back in his marriage and if it doesn't work and goes back to what it was he will never do this again because it was hard the first time. If I was Larry this would not be an easy decision our marriage wasn't the greatest I get that now and I am too scared to death that it will not work because of all that has been said and how our last 7 years have turned out. But not all of it was bad. I really would not like to be in Larry's shoes. He has to be battling some tough thoughts and emotions. Why am I blogging about him? I got what I wanted yesterday I got a text from him last night but he was sad and it was all about the kids. I felt great he texted but than I had to see what he is really going through. Couldn't sleep much just thinking of Larry and what he is going through. Woke up and still was. Basically, yes the kids and I need prayer but Larry needs it the most he is the one suffering the most and maybe a little prayer in his direction will help him.

30 days of blogging!

Yesterday I wasn't going to blog. Why? Why do I need to write down the sorrow's of my life and the coolness of my kids? Then it hit me today, I need to for me, to fill a void, to get it out, to document what goes on in my life and the kiddos. So sorry everyone you get 30 days of blogging! Bloggers have done it in the past during a certain month but why do I have to wait till that month and I have no clue when it is. Larry leaves tomorrow gone for 3 weeks and than returns for who knows how long. I will blog everyday for a month for me and to help me through this. For me! You can read or not read it is up to you. Are you ready? I have blogged 3 post today so I think I meet my quota but I wanted to just blog some things about what I am thinking in my head so here goes...

I love my kids and husband (the latter better figure it out soon).
I have to sell my house and hope to find someone who loves it soon.
I love my family and friends.
Teather, is my best friend and my rock. She gets it and knows when to be there for me and than shows me Larry's side and gets excited for me and gets sad with me.
Davies Clinic is a blessing to be back. God must have done this for a reason. They are my family when I have to work they listen and the support and they give advise and make me realize my wrongs.
I want to take photography classes! A family friend said to something for you and this is what I want to do. I want to take better pictures of my kids and the world around me. Got to look for classes and time.
I love to blog! It fills a void and gets me to put pictures up!
My kids love to play on the bed and get a kick out of it!
Grace is already growing back teeth and she has the funkiest teeth ever but I love her anyways.
Hunter runs to the bathroom when he has to go pee but hasn't officially been potty trained maybe next weekend.

Gotta jet the kids are screaming. Get ready for 30 days of blogs! :-)

added...
I think that Grace will turn out the most stubborn of us all. I have been through all these months with this girl getting a new tooth each month!
Hunter loves to cook and loves his kitchen.
Hunter knows he has to take care of his mama. Sad. And not sad.
Grace loves, loves baths and water. I have to stand back and just let her do her crazy stuff cause she is so dare devilish that I have to let it be and let her be herself even though I don't want to I have to so she can be herself.
I wish that Larry would have come by today since he is home and saw the kids and that I could see him one last time or have him text or email or call since he is home. It makes me think he doesn't care. And that I should realize that this is what he chose and take a hint.
Misha is sad not sure if it is because yesterday with 3 dogs wore her out or what.
I am sleeping in our room again with the nosiest kid of all, Grace. Haven't got any sleep yet and I have done it for 2 nights. The animals are still getting used to it too.
Hunter loves the computer and loves watching cats and Grace loves to sit with him on Larry's desk chair with him and watch cats she says cats, cats, cats.
I can't believe how much Grace can talk and what she says is crazy. I think that she talks so much to give me two voices to hear when it is just me and the kiddos. Love kid talk but would love adult talk better.
Wishes I didn't tell Larry that I wouldn't text him, call him or email him. It is the worst.
Hopes Larry doesn't get used to the single life to much and enjoys it to much while I am taking care of everything and everyone here.
Hope Larry realizes what he has at home.
Loves having all the animals sleep by me at night cause then I am not alone in my bed.
Wishes I could sleep in past 6 am and not get woke up by a kiddo and sleep the whole night through.
Wishes I could go on a vacation either by myself or with Larry and just sleep in and wake up by just waking up.
Wishes I could have a maid, and a chef, and a personal shopper it would make this easier :)

Taking a vote!

Who is the more stubborn Robinson? Larry or Alison? :-)

Jeep

I was trying to take a nap with the kids but I haven't been able to in months. My head will not stop thinking so I thought I would blog some more. I told myself that I wasn't going to blog anymore cause I need to just stop thinking about it all but then I am just back to where I was before. Burying my thoughts and feelings. This is another thing I have changed about me trying not to bury, bury, bury and let it out, out, out. So back to the jeep. I have not ridden in Larry's jeep in years. Not sure why just haven't. I thought it would die many years ago and hasn't. Hunter has taken my spot in the jeep he has the front seat and has since we got him a booster seat. Hunter loves the jeep. Still not sure why I never went in the back seat with the boys. I think cause it is so loud and jerky but I honestly don't know. Yesterday, I rode in the jeep! I rode in the back seat with Grace and we went to the airplane museum. It was fun, but note to self it is not worth paying $20 a person to have the kids look at planes when you don't have time to read or look at the planes cause the kids don't want to do what you want them to do. Save your money and just take them to the playground in the middle of the buildings it is free! Back to the jeep. You know it was fun! I remember the old days when Larry and I were dating and he would take me all over in the jeep and we would drive to school back and forth in his jeep! Good times. Maybe he was thinking of those times when we were all in the jeep together. I took pictures yesterday but my camera reader either doesn't work or I need a new card. Hunter took his first fairground roller coaster ride! It was a airplane ride that went up and down. He was leary at first and was all about taking the seat belt on and off so we had to take him off of the airplane and have him watch another boy ride first. Grace and Hunter were all eyes! After watching Hunter did go on and he picked the green airplane and got himself up high and stayed there. He was more fascinated with the lights on the ride but you could tell he liked it but was a little leary like his mama. Grace was definetly bummed and watched him the whole time. She didn't meet height requirement maybe next year. She is our daredevil. She is like Larry alot and Hunter is like me alot.

FYI, people ask me if Larry reads my blog and I tell them I honestly do not think he does. He didn't in the past and I do not think he does now. If he did than he would know what I am feeling and going through but I don't think he wants to know because that could affect his decision.

Don't know what to blog...

this week has been another bad week. No resolution in my life. Feeling overwhelmed again especially this morning and Larry hasn't even left for Canada yet. He leaves tomorrow for 3 more weeks. This could go on for 4-5 months or longer. I don't want to do this anymore. I tried to show Larry that I am fighting for him and I don't get hope or no hope in return. I get he needs more time. That should mean hope to me but honestly I don't know what it means. To me it is saying I am not worth trying to fight for I am not worth trying to get out. I wanted to make this few weeks easier for me and him with some resolution and I am back to no communication with him because I discuss what is happening and push him too much. I make us go in circles about what is happening. I am a girl I am emotional but I guess from what I have been told guys aren't emotional and it makes it worse. Our problem was communication and I am doing it and he isn't and I fear that he will think that since we didn't communicate well now it isn't going to work and I am only doing what he wanted. I still have issues with the girl and we don't talk much about that. This is one huge area that will take time to forgive and forget if this works. The positives of this week was I got to hang out with my family of four for 3 seperate occasions. I loved it and I wanted to show what I really wanted to say and feel to Larry but I knew I couldn't. I am soaking up those memories cause I don't know if the next time Larry comes home what will happen. I got to show Larry that I am stronger but I also showed him I am still weak but I was only trying to show him I got why we are where we are and I was excited to show him I changed and we can do this and it can be so much fun. I got that just cause I showed him 4 days of a different me doesn't justify the last 7 years. I am not sure if I will be forgiven of the last 7 years and my joy of showing him I get it was destroyed a little bit. But at least he is thinking of what I have told him. Not sure how much time he will take with all this. I try to stay positive my friends say to give him time and I do but what about me? I have tried so much and now I have to stop and try not to fall out of love with my husband cause all my efforts have not moved him in one direction or another. I don't feel worthy of saving I am just being honest. I am doubting if I can even love him if I keep getting told more time it messes with my head and heart. I am scared to death that all our issues might not get fixed if we do get back together but I am willing to try, read, to anything. It hurts me that he still walks out of our door at the end of the night and I am not ok with that but I have to deal with it. I have done it for 3 months now what is another few days, weeks, months? I have done everything I can to make his time in Canada easier I gave him pics of the kids, I told him how to possibly make Hunter talk to him when he calls (not sure if he did this), I have bent over backwards to show him I care. But is it worth it? Does he get it or see it? Is he already done and just can't tell me cause I keep giving? This is what I deal with everyday. Yes, I have given him to God but my head and heart still think about him all the time. I just hope that maybe just maybe I get a sign of hope or no hope from him either while he is in Canada or when he gets home so I don't have to do this anymore. I just want closure if I am going to be in his life or not. I can't keep fighting for him because time might not be my friend I might fall out of love cause I am not getting any in return. Maybe this is what he wants? He keeps saying that I need to do what I want and I have been! I have been trying to save us, trying to love him, trying to change myself for me and the stuff I want gets nowhere! Is this a sign I don't know? I have taken care of our kids for 5 months now by myself for 3 weeks at a time and 1 week with Larry here and 2 of those months he lived her 3 months he didn't. I know that I can do this next 5 months or whatever it will be. We made it this far we can do the next months. I just pray that someday I will get the true answer from Larry. I still love him and I think our marriage can work. I just want to feel beautiful and loved and I think I have done an excellent job of trying but I am tired, burnt out, and physically, emotionally, mentally drained of this all. So please continue to pray for me and my family I can't try anymore. I leave it to God and Larry cause I have to step back and let Larry have his space and time and that my friends is not easy nor is it fun.

6 times!

Hunter bear went potty 4 times at daycare and 2 times at home! He ran into the bathroom both times at home without me asking and the first time he said he had to go potty and I said go for it the second time I was talking on the phone and he stopped what he was doing an ran to the bathroom! We are making progress! My Hunter bear went 6 times in the potty and almost stayed dry the whole day! So proud of my buddy!

Lots of why's

Why do I have low self esteem? Why did I not realize what I was doing? Why didn't I fix it? Why didn't I try better? Why do people have to tell me what I did wrong? Why did I found out now? Why was I not smart enough to know or listen? So many why's I don't even know what or how to do them or fix them or deal with my low self esteem! Any suggestions? I need so much prayer about my inner self and my self esteem it is crazy and it has got me to where I am at today. It is why I am alone and why I am going through what I am and I just want it to get better and I don't even know how to fix me.

I got to hang out with my family!

Larry, the kids, and I went and hung out together this evening at Safari Sam's and I got to hang out with my family! I did it for Larry. I did it for me. I did it for my kids. We were a family for a few hours! I don't know if it will change anything I don't know if it will ever happen again. I did it for Larry he needed it and I will always remember that I got to be with my kids and Larry was there to enjoy the kids with me together. This feeling is overwhelming but I have been so overwhelmed the last 24 hours why not add to it. But we all were in the same car together, we ate dinner together, and we played together! I will just enjoy the memories tonight cause I can't sleep and tomorrow's another day and this isn't in my control but what if? But for a few hours today I wasn't alone and I had someone I wanted to be with hanging out with me and the kids. I know I am crazy but I wasn't alone and now I am but it was a good feeling while it lasted. We still need prayer.

I need prayer

Dear People who read my blog and pray for me and I don't know and do know~
I can't say much cause I am still processing it all. Larry has to work in Canada for 3-4 months or more. Please pray for me that I can do this that I can stay strong that I can get through the loneliness. Please pray for my kids that they don't realize what is going on. Please pray for Larry cause he needs alot of it. Please pray for both Larry and I that we do the right thing. Please pray that I can sell this house and get a place in Canby or around it to feel safe and not so lonely. Please pray that if it is God's will that this marriage works out that we can do it and that I can forgive Larry and please pray that if it ends in divorce that we both are happy somewhere down the end. In my heart I still don't want this to happen and as crazy as it seems I would even forgive with help but this is not in my hands and I just have to pray along with you who are praying for me that if it is God's will he will save us. As a side note I am still struggling with God but I do pray to him but I still daily wonder why this is happening and why it keeps getting worse and why I am still hurting but only He knows and everyday I have to remember that and everyday I have issues with Him cause this doesn't make sense to me. Just being honest. People say put it in God's hands and I did after Christmas and I prayed and prayed and now I am in a bigger mess than I was at Christmas. So please pray that I remember to keep God in my life and not to let him go because of what happens or doesn't happen.

Thank You. ~al

Fool's Gold

I started watching Fool's Gold (it came out in 2008) on Thursday when the kids were napping and I hadn't read what it was about just knew it was a romance movie. It started out with a couple who was going through a divorce. Nice. I cried at the beginning but powered through. The kids woke up and I wasn't done with it. I finished it tonight. It was cute and of course they didn't get divorced and fell back into love. Wish my life was a movie cause than it would end with a happy ending. I know my happy ending is coming but I don't know what my future holds. I don't think my marriage is going to fall back in love mine will end in divorce. I can't sleep and that is why I finished the movie tonight. Larry comes home tomorrow. I have no clue if he is here for good or goes back to Canada. Not sure which one I would like at the moment. If he goes back I know how to live until he is done. If he stays I have to live with him being around and get served divorce papers and decide what to do with my life and the kids and let him have time with the kids seperately without me. Those 3 things are very hard for me right now. Seeing him, knowing I am getting divorce papers, and deciding what to do with the kids. The kids part is the hardest for me. I had these kids wanting to be in their lives everyday until they were old enough and wanted to go college or be 18 or 21 or whatever. Now I have to decided when I don't get to see them and how I am to share them seperately with Larry. This is so not what I want this is so not what I want to do. I had these kids to be there for them and to love them everyday and see them smile, cry, laugh, sleep, eat, every possible time I could when I wasn't working. Now I am being forced to not be in there lives 100%. This is so not fair this is so not what I want this is not why I wanted to be a mother to these two precious innocent kids. But this is what has been decided for me. I am not trying to get your sympathy I am just trying to deal with this and I honestly do not know how to deal with it because it is so not what I want so not what I deserve so not fair. Please pray for me because I honestly do not want to do this and I want what is best for me and the kids and I don't want to do this and I can't say it enough but I have to and I hope I do it right. I hope I do it right.

I love to hear...

My kids talking and hanging out together and watching cat videos!

I was trying to get a video of Hunter doing his belly laughs but I didn't get it but I didn't get him laughing and he gets so into laughing it makes me smile. At first I wasn't sure what he was watching I thought he was watching cat videos and he was but it didn't sound like it. Here he is watching a cat that is stuck in a box. And yes he does know how to work a mouse and do things on the computer. Scary I know but he learned this from his Papa and his Ma.

I am having the case of the companionship woos. I don't like doing all this on my own. I don't like being by myself and taking care of the kids by myself I am so used to having Larry here to enjoy it, be here, and help that when I am doing it all I miss having an adult/companion/friend here to talk to and be with. When my kids go to sleep it is just me and the animals. I talk to my kids but it isn't adult talk it isn't about my day or about what is going on in my life. I am alone and I miss having companionship and someone to talk to, hang out with, help with the kids and the house, be with and know I am not alone. But I am. I know my kids are here and I wouldn't trade that for the world but they are kids not an adult. I have to text, call people, blog just to get through my evenings because I miss the one on one that I am used to having. I miss having a companion, a rock, another person in my home and life. Larry has companions in both places. He has companions when he is home because where he goes there are people there and he goes to bed and he isn't alone he wakes up he isn't alone. When he is in Canada it is the same I honestly have no clue what he is doing but he left here saying he has feeling for another girl so that just makes me realize he isn't alone like I am. Larry knows that I am taking care of the kids, he knows that I will not cheat on him. He knows that I will feed the kids, bath them and put them to bed and he knows kinda the times I do. I have no clue what he is doing. I am probably not making any sense but I just wish that I didn't have to loose companionship and be alone because I know that Larry isn't and I am. Not fair but life isn't fair. I wish I didn't have to text, call, or blog just to make it through my evenings because I do not have anyone with me other than the kids.

Trying to get Grace to say owl!

Grace can say Owl, but of course will not say it when I am trying to video tape her! She says it pretty cute too! In the video you can kinda tell she says who's that. Here she is playing with Hunter's Little Einstein piano and the Owl is Hunter's too but she doesn't care! She is my stubborn child number 2. Stubborn I tell you! I love that her feet are crossed cause I know another little Robinson that does the same thing. Crazy how my two kiddos do the same thing. Enjoy!

Happy St. Patricks Day...

From my little chef's!

FYI...neither child wanted their picture taken but I did it anyway!

How?

How do you stop loving someone? How to you stop loving and thinking of someone when they have hurt you? How do you stop thinking of all the hurt they have done and are doing? How do you turn off your feelings like they do? That is what I am up against everyday. How do I get to the level that Larry is at? I know it isn't a competion or race but how do you switch of the feelings? Do you ever? My whole life I have tried my best to please people and do what they wanted and to now hurt anyone. Look what I have done now, I have done this to Larry and I didn't even get a clue and that is what hurts him the most. How do I stop caring, stop pleasing, stop being a doormat? How do I switch off the feelings?

Numbers

76...days since Larry asked me for a seperation and has not lived at our house.

4.....holiday's that I had to do w/out Larry. New Years, Grace's Bday, Valentine's Day, Hunter's Bday. None of these were easy I had a hard time with each one.

30...days since Larry asked for a divorce.

21...days since he told me he has feelings for another girl.

15...pounds that I have lost since the beginning of all of this.

Why am I blogging these numbers? To show myself that I have done it by myself this long and to show myself that I can do this. Also, maybe a year from now I can look at this blog again and just say wow.

Video of Hunter's Birthday Party!

Here is Hunter's Birthday Party video that I took! This is the only one I did and I am glad I took it! Hunter is so shy in it and you can tell that he had a great time being sang to. He makes me smile watching this. Sorry about me singing and talking in the background I was just so excited and enjoying the moment. The funny part of this was when he was blowing out his candles he was spitting on about half of the cake! Uncle Coco says in the video that he doesn't want that corner which was pretty funny. Enjoy! Happy Birthday again Buddy!

What is on your Pandora?

I love Pandora. I love music right now. It can be sad, slow, or upbeat. I have to have it for noise right now. Especially when the kids go to sleep. My new dream is to have a apartment/house where I can hear music anywhere in the house maybe in a few years when I can pay of credit cards I will invest in one. The kids love music and both love to dance. Hunter likes to stomp his feet and Grace likes to stand in one spot and move back and forth with her knees and hips and her head. They are to cute. Here is what is on my Pandora...

Lady Antebellum (of course!)
Jack Johnson
Andrea Bocelli (love him!)
Miley Cyrus
Taylor Swift
U2
Alanis Morrisette
The Cranberries
Hinder
Faithill
Coldplay

I started Pandora when I worked at Cascade Physicians so alot of these came from there and hanging out with my music Diva, Maribel. Iknow my list is small but I am up for suggestions? Any artists I should add? What is on your Pandora? :-)

Big boy underware!

Hunter has been going pee pee in the potty for a long time but he also has been in diapers and pull ups forever and some days he is good and some days he isn't. In the last year he has done poo's twice in the toilet. I was told boys are slower at the potty training and wait till they are 3 so that is what I have done. I also decided to wait until all this drama has settled down where I could keep my sanity about my life and not get upset if Hunter pee's all over the house and car. I have been talking to him for awhile about wearing big boy underware like his Papa and underware like me and he has been talking about it more. Well since he ran to the bathroom last night while I was putting Grace to bed and went pee all by himself without me asking I thought we were on the right track. So after my conference today and after his afternoon nap we talked about it again and I showed him some Elmo underware I had got him right after Grace was born and he wanted to put them on so I did. I explained to him that he couldn't pee or poo in them cause that would be yucky and we went to the store to get him some more with his birthday money and he knew he was going for big boy underware. We got some and when we got home I kept asking him if he needed to go potty and he didn't. I washed all of his new underware and he went potty before his bath and I set his underware that he had been wearing on the toilet seat and Grace got a hold of them and put them in the bath so they got soaked. I think she thought it was a wash cloth. We had to put pull ups back on cause the wash had to go in the dryer but we had a good start. Will see how tomorrow goes. But maybe we are on the homestretch for starting potty training. Bummer that tomorrow is daycare but will see we might have to wait until Friday night to start again. My boy is getting so big and I can't wait to save on pull ups and diapers when this happens it just means more savings for the budget! Yeah!

Do you ever wish...

that you could turn back time and do things over? I wish I would have listened. I wish I would have been more loving. I wish I went to counseling. I wish I would have laughed more. I wish I wouldn't have been scared to show myself. I wish I would have gotten angry and not taken the blame. I wish I would have read more books about marriage and how to show love. I wish I would have been more carefree. I wish I would have hugged more. I wish I would have kissed more and not been self conscience of how bad or good a kisser I was. I wish I would have communicated more. I wish I would have communicated better. I wish what I know now and I wish I could have done it all better back then. But now I know and it is too late but at least I know what not to do and hopefully I will be a better person knowing all I know now and hopefully will not mess up again. That is my new fear.

Favorites

Hunter's favorite animal in the house is Kramer. Not sure why but he has always liked him. Tonight he printed off a paper from his "video game" a computer game and painted on it and when he was done he gave it to Kramer. Kramer was sleeping and he woke him up and asked him if he wanted his painting. Too cute so here is a picture of Kramer with his picture Hunter made him.Grace's favorite animal in the house is Misha...Sha to her. She gives Misha loves she puts her head on her she likes to put her head on Misha's neck. She likes to go outside and watch her go potty and shakes her hand and says Sha cause I am telling Misha to go potty. When she finds Misha's collar you can hear her saying Sha looking for her and she tries to put it on. Misha loves the kids cause that means more food might fall on the floor. No really she loves the kids and will hang out wherever they are.I personally like it when Lucy sleeps by my head at night and Misha sleeps by my feet. Kramer sleeps right by me to, but I like it when Lucy does cause she is the oldest and doesn't bug me at all. Kramer is too loud with his purring and he gets to close. One of Grace's favorite things to do is climb and lay on Hunter's bed! She giggles and sits and walks all over his bed! We had just put a new tie blanket on his bed, Grace and I and she just had to try it out. Sorry about the pacifer pictures she is teething and has been using it more but I hope to not have it around all the time expect for naps and bedtime. I also am not ready for her to be in a big girl bed yet either! If she had her way she would definetly take Hunter's for sure!

Hunter picked out his new bedding he found one that had green and orange turtles on it, which was nice cause it matches the paint on the walls! I finally put the Christmas tie blanket I made for him away and made him a new one. These blankets are great they keep him nice and warm since he can't wear warm jammies cause they twist him up and he gets to warm and wakes him up. I have a tie blanket to make for Grace's crib that doesn't match it at all but I haven't made it yet and her crib gets so cold so I am going to put it under her since she doesn't do blankets cause she is all over her crib. I tried to put a blanket on her the other day since she is outgrowing her tent blanket things and she had herself so twisted in the blanket I was too scared she would get her head all caught up in it so I am making her a tie blanket to put under her to not get so cold from the sheets. I am trying to get the kids to do things together and Hunter loves to play on the computer so I put Grace by him to watch cats playing and I wish you could see both of their faces but they are both smiling from ear to ear. I tried to get a video of them laughing but it didn't work!

Here is my big boy doing one of his favorite things! Playing on the computer! He loves to play his computer game and other games on the computer. Isn't he cute siting up so nice and straight?
Here is Grace with her Elmo and her new favorite stuffed animal, Owl. Technically this owl is Hunter's he got it for Christmas from his Uncle Dan but Grace loves it. It hoots. She can say Howl and tries to figure out how to make it hoot. She has the biggest grin on her face when it does hoot.

So there you go just a couple of our favorites in our house right now. What are your favorite things? Enjoy looking at my kiddos!! I am getting better at taking pictures to and I try to blog about them the same day so I don't forget!

Is it me or do these kids look so grown up?

Hunter Bear

Mouse

I don't understand

I don't understand alot of what is going on and why I am to where I am today. I know my marriage is over but I don't understand what is a lie or what is the truth anymore. I don't understand why in November Larry and I are planning on a family vacation to Wolf Lodge after around this time in March to celebrate both kids birthdays and use some of the money he made in Canada to do this vacation? I don't understand why we redid our backyard last summer and made a garden and made it nice and pretty and spent money on it to make it nice for us. I do know that we were doing it to help sell the house but we spent so much money on it and we were making the garden for the kids and we had fun doing it, I thought. I don't understand how Larry could just cut off all communication with me after being in my life for over 9 years and it is ok with him. I don't understand that he doesn't care about me at all and I could break a leg or get really sick and he doesn't even want to know. I don't understand how he can go to Canada and start a new life and it is ok because I am taking care of his kids. I don't understand if he met and worked with this girl last year when he worked in Canada? I don't understand how he can say he feel out of love with me a year ago? Was I still pregnant with Grace or was it after? He went to Canada before and after I was pregnant with Grace last year. Does that mean that everything he did was a lie since then? I don't know what to believe anymore in this email he sent me before I found out about the girl. Was he just saying all this mean stuff cause he already had feelings for someone else and he wasn't going to tell me? Now that I know I am just supposed to move on? What else has he lied to me about? I don't understand how much of my life was a lie and how much was real. I do know my faults and I admit them but I have to go on knowing what Larry thought of me and what he thinks of me now and I just have to deal with it cause in his words it is what it is. I know it is my fault I didn't make him happy and I didn't show him love, feelings, or emotions very well but I don't deserve to be treated the way I am. He says this whole situation is all f-up but in my head I didn't make it this bad and I didn't go this far and I have to try to understand why Larry did and what is a lie and what is real.

Hunter's Birthday Party!

This year I didn't make or send out invites for Hunter's Birthday party and I wish I had but I just wasn't in it. I had no theme either. Next year I will be better with his birthday I promise! But we had a good time with family. His birthday party was last night at the Robinson's home and I think he had a good time! My friend, Jo, gave me an idea for what to do with his cake. She said just put frosting on it and go to the dollar store and get stuff for him to put on it so that is what we did. Hunter's Auntie Lindsey made his cake and decorated it and this is what it looked like before Hunter got to decorate it. You can see his hand he just wanted to touch the frosting so bad!

And this is what it looked like after Hunter decorated his cake! I got sea toys that I knew he would love cause he knows them all by name. He was pretty funny with them he would push them into the cake and we had to save the cake and the sea creatures from being imbedded in the cake. This was all done by him. He put his Number 3 in and his 3 candles. He seemed to like putting it together.

My big boy and his cake!This is him and his Auntie Lindsey lighting the candles he was super excited!

He had a great time and we had spaghetti dinner that his Ma made and then after cake it was on to presents! He got some great presents! Clothes, cars, camera key change, money, gift cards, and a kitchen! He loves his kitchen!

He got this from his grandparents and I knew he would love a kitchen because he played forever on my girlfriends little girls one.

Nate was all about the kitchen too! I think he needs one now!

Hunter did not go to sleep in his bed until about 10pm he was so excited about his kitchen and we didn't get home till almost 9 so I just let him play cause he was so happy and overjoyed about the kitchen. He even went to bed with one of his pots and lids cause he wanted to so why not?

I can't believe my Hunter Bear is 3! He has grown leaps and bounds! I took only one video of him at his party so I will try to upload it tonight on my blog. Super cute! He is so shy looking in it when we are all singing Happy Birthday to him.

Prayer, church, and God

I have to be honest and tell you all that I haven't been great in any of these areas in a long time years even.

Prayer~I know that I have been asking for prayer through all this but I just better be up front about where I am at so no one thinks I am fake. I just started praying again when Larry asked for a seperation I hadn't been doing it in a long time. I did when I was pregnant with both kids and at their births but than I would forget and not do it again. Through many years of my marriage I didn't pray the only time I remember was when Larry would go into his surgeries and when Lonnie got diagnosed with cancer. I am getting better with prayer but I was praying so hard that God would bring back Larry to me and help me fix my marriage that when Larry told me on the phone he wanted a divorce I forgot to pray again for a few days and than I started praying for God to help me through all this. Now I am praying that I can make it and do what is right for me and the kids.

Church~I don't even remember the last time I went to church. I think it was when Hunter was little for Easter service. I hadn't been in church years before that. I blame it on laziness and not wanting to get up on Sunday and get going and take up the whole morning. Bad I know but I am being honest. I went to church so much when I was little until highschool. I had chapel at school and I had youth group during the week and church on Sunday. When I got out of Highschool I went to church and helped in Sunday school for a few years than I stopped. I was burnt out and realized not everyone was going to church. When we were married we did go to church for awhile than stopped cause we were in school and I got lazy. I still haven't put my foot in a church yet I am so gun shy right now because I thought I did everything right as a Christian and now I am going through one of the worst thing a Christian could do. I will make it back to church I am just not jumping into it yet. I can't really face all the people I did go to church with cause I am so embarrased this is happening and I know they know and that they are praying for me. And to go to church with my two kids without my wedding ring is so big for me I am not sure I can even do it. To me it is a failure because I was in my marriage for life and it looks so bad in my mind right now but I know that will hopefully change with time.

God~I don't even know how to start or say on this one. I love God and I forgot about him for so many years in my marriage and I think that might be one of the reasons He is doing this. I tried so hard to be a good Christian girl I didn't have sex before marriage, I didn't drink until I was 21, I didn't swear, I followed the rules at my Christian school, and I didn't look at other men in my marriage. So I am not sure why this is happening. But for some reason it is and I just have to put my faith and trust back into Him and hope that some good will come out of all of this. That is hard to do right now but I know I can't do this without Him now cause I am alone and have to take care of my kids and pray to God that he helps direct me the correct way this time.

I do appreciate all your prayers and I just wanted to let you know where I am honestly at in my life spiritually. I gotta start from ground zero again but at the moment I am gun shy because of my past and I have to just let that go and move on and move on with all the change in my life.

Happier post to follow...Hunter's birthday party is tonight!

Color!

Grace saw me writing out my Costco list with my favorite sharpie pens and she kept saying color, color, color. Than she said mama I color! So here are my kids coloring this am. Whatever Hunter does Grace has to it is just the way it is in our house ;-) Do you know who is going to be in charge when they are older???? Grace!

Can I tell you...

that I love, love, love those two kiddos on the front of my blog to pieces! They are my life, they are the reason I can go on, they are the reason I wake up really early in the morning, they are the reason I go to work to help provide for us, they are the reason I go through my day and know that I can put them to bed at night and check on them to make sure they are ok before I go to sleep, they are the reason I clean laundry, try to feed them good food, they help me get outside and get fresh air cause they need it, they are here to make me smile and laugh when I really don't want to. They are the reason I know that somewhere down the line I might make the right decision for us all and that we might actually all be happy. I truly, honestly, amazingly love my kids so much that I am so glad that God gave me them to kiss, hug, tickle, blow raspberries on, smile, laugh, cry, yell, and be there for them and when I am down I can just go to them and they will make it all better. I love, love, love my Hunter and Grace to pieces and that will never change in my life!

Grace said...

"I want my passie" over and over today until I found it. When did she become such a big girl to say sentences?

No hope

I thought about my what if's on the way home today and I cried about the one where if Larry came back and I already knew the answer. I am pretty positive there is no hope of that happening. I wish there was but from all that he has told me and emailed me in one letter that there isn't. My last ditch effort to save us happened the day before I called the girl and left her a message. Larry emailed me after I left him a voice message asking him if there was hope or something along those lines. There were some hurtful things he said in the email and alot of truthful things but I read it again tonight and I just know there is no hope for saving my marriage. Larry has already moved on in his life and he wrote this letter before I found that out about his feelings for the girl and it just adds to the hurtful things that were written and said. He wrote that things were already going south after our pre-marriage counseling before we were married and I didn't even know. I guess I never had a chance and he said our marriage isn't a marriage to fix with counseling now because it was never really a marriage and it can't be fixed. This also is a nice blow to me. So just those two things it shows you all that there is no hope and I have to move on. I feel like in Larry's eyes I am just dirt and why live with dirt when you can have beautiful rocks. I think that to him I am only the mother of his kids and that is all he cares about is his kids. That hurts knowing that I am being pushed to the side and all that matters to him is finding happiness and knowing that his kids aren't living a lie anymore. So I am pretty sure I figured out one of my what if's and now I just have to power through and hope for happiness for me and my kids. Sorry to be such a downer it is just I wanted to clarify what I realized today that Larry has made it possible that there is no hope in saving this marriage.

What if's?

I am having the bad case of what if's lately. My counselor said not to dwell on the what if's but the here and now but it is hard to do when your life could go so many ways.

Wanna know some of my what if's?....what if the girl that Larry has feelings for really took to heart that I was really sincere in the voice message I left on her phone and she realized that she should stop doing whatever with Larry? what if Larry falls head over heels with this girl and moves to Canada? what if it doesn't work out for them? what if it does? what if Larry realizes what he has done was a mistake and wants to come back to me and the kids? what if Larry realizes that he isn't going to see his kids 24/7 and wants to make it work so he can? what if Larry has moved on and just wants to get on with his new life and doesn't care that he has made me a single parent mom? what if he does care that he did? what if I can't sell the house and the kids and I have to stay in it for years? what if we do will we be ok in an apartment with all the animals? what if I have to live on our couch for months to come? what if I get my own room with my own bed and the kids get their own rooms? what if Larry does want to come back and I don't let him? what if Larry does want me back and I do? what if we both go our seperate ways and find new people and we are all happy? what if we both go our seperate ways and do not find new people?

These are just a few what if's. Sorry to be so personal but this is what I think about when I am by myself at night, or in the car, or at work, or just randomly doing new things by myself with the kids and I just wish that Larry could be there to be a part of it like he was before. This isn't easy for me but I am just doing what Larry wants and with him in Canada doing whatever and having no communication it makes me wonder what if. So I gotta train my brain to just take life one day at a time.

At this point I don't even know what I want in life. I do know what my dream would be but I don't think that is going to happen and I can't even tell you what it is cause it changes everyday. I am getting stronger but I also have weaknesses and one of them is thinking of what if's. Maybe some day I will get want I want out of all this and that is just to be happy, loved and not lied to anymore.

My Hunter turns 3!

My buddy, my firstborn, my child who makes me smile turned 3 today! How quickly time does fly by! It didn't matter that he woke me up at 2 am wanting warm milk and than at 3:30am wanting his covers on and than at 6:30am wanting the living room lights off all that mattered was that my Hunter Bear turned 3 today and what could I do to make it special for him! I bought the cookies in the picture I posted last night and put the 3's on them after he feel asleep and I took them to daycare to give after nap time or whenever for the kids to eat. I tried to excite him this am that it was his bday but you can imagine that he was cranky from being up so much and wasn't a happy clown like I was. I dropped him off at daycare and went to work and a co-worker helped me with plan B of what to do in the evening for him since it was too cold to go to this park she suggested. We came home had a quick bite to eat and headed to Safari Sam's in Sherwood! Never been there before but my friend at work said it would be perfect for both kids and it was indoors so we drove there with the intention to PLAY! And play we did! Hunter was in Heaven it was a big indoor play structure to climb all over and Grace loved it too! She was a little to small to climb the ropes and I was afraid she would fall through but she crawled the whole thing like no other and kept yelling for Hunter cause I was cause he was way ahead of us the whole time! He loved, loved, loved it! He climbed, crawled, went down the scary slide that Grace and I had to go down together to find where he went. I wasn't thrilled with the slide but had to do it. We stayed about 45 minutes and I was done I was sweating like no other trying to keep up with the two and carrying Grace over things that she couldn't make over but she tried her hardest cause if Hunter does it she is right behind him. Than we came home and Grace crashed and Hunter had one of his favorite things...ice cream! I am letting him stay up late tonight to watch a Little Einstein and play on my phone some more of his favorite things. I hope he had a great bday I tried to make it fun for him and I am bummed that it is almost over with. Totally going to have both kids bday parties at this place next year! They both had fun and you can eat at the places and inside the structure! Happy Birthday Hunter Thomas I still can't believe you are 3! And I love you so, so, so much! Your the best little buddy a mom can hope for!

Guess what happens tomorrow?!

We have a big birthday in the house! :-)

Daffodils!

I think Daffodils are my new favorite flower! I used to love tulips but now with my life changing so much for some reason Daffodils are calling my name. Maybe cause they only come in yellow and that is my favorite color? I don't even have one Daffodil growing around my house and I had to go get mini ones today at RiteAid cause Fred Meyers didn't have any. Who would have known? I know I should just take them off the side of the road but I still think it is stealing. Hunter and I put rocks from around our house in vase and put my mini Daffodils that I bought and they look beautiful in my kitchen and make my house a little more cheerful! I have taken down so much stuff off the walls that I needed something cheery and bright. I have/am turning this house into a home for me and the kids since Larry hasn't lived here since before Christmas and probably never will. In order for me to move on I had to do this for me and the kids. I still don't have divorce papers and I have no clue when I will but I know that Larry has moved on and I can't until I get out of this house and am officially divorced cause in my mind, heart, and spirit I can't for me and my kids. Please pray that I can sell this house and I will be talking to a Realtor soon she is on vacation right now and Larry has left the house up to me since he is in Canada and I choose not to live here. Nice. But I am not going to say anymore about that. So back to Daffodils... aren't they just the sunniest flower ever? Who would have known that I would love Daffodils? Never did before and for some reason I just want to put them all over my house! I know I sound crazy but when your world is changing you just gotta go with what makes you happy. Daffodils make me happy!

Beach trip with the kiddos and Misha!

We woke up way to early today about 5:45am for Grace and 6:15am for Hunter and Grace was cranky and clingy and Hunter was unhappy and everything was dramatic. I had already planned to go to the beach with the kids anyways this was just the icing on the cake to put them in a car and drive away and hope they weren't cranky the whole way there. It took me about 2 hours to get everything ready and packed and by the time we got gas and me some coffee we hit the highway about 8:55am and Grace fell asleep in the car at 9:01am just like I thought she would. She is growing 4 big teeth two on the bottom and two on the top and I think that is why she is extra cranky and keeps waking up so dang early! So I was stalling in town to get on the road for her to fall asleep. Misha was in the back and Hunter had his Leapster 2 and we were off! I didn't tell family or friends that I was going I was giving everyone a break from us and the only ones that knew were some girls at work just in case the Cascadia fault shifted and an earthquake happened and the coast got flooded then they would tell my family. Crazy I know but I had it all planned out just in case cause you never know now with the earthquake in Haiti the Pacific Northwest has a 50% chance of getting an earthquake and the fault that would do it is 50 miles from the ocean. I learned all about this fault from Larry and I just learned about how much more mad it can get since Haiti shifted the globe it can make this fault unhappy anytime. Just a side note...Larry wanted to name Grace...Cascadia so I will never forget this fault let me tell you cause I fought hard on that name. Back to the beach. I probably have driven to the beach maybe one time in my life by myself so to take all of us there was a little sketchy for me but if it was to kill time than more power to me. We made it there but both kids were not happy about the sun being in their eyes Grace was beside herself after sleeping only 30 minutes and so mad at the sun in her eyes by the time we made it to the outlet mall she had wet spots on her coat. We went straight to the Gap Outlet and bought us all Gap hats and than went to the beach!

It was very exhausting for me because of Misha and the stroller. Misha was so excited and every dog she thought was out to kill the kids so she would bark and try to take us all out to get to them. Finally she calmed down but she still was alot of work the whole time. Note to self leave her at home. The kids had a great time Hunter wanted to go in the water but we didn't because I had the stroller with Grace in it, Misha, a bag of stuff, and than Hunter. So him, Misha and I went to the water once while Grace sat in her stroller and watched and she seemed so far away. We ate lunch on the sand and Hunter was to excited to eat and Misha was all about Grace's food. It was very hard for me to get the stroller with Grace in it out to the hard sand with Hunter and Misha tugging like a mad dog on the leash that a kind lady helped me push the stroller to the hard sand after seeing me struggling along. After lunch we went to the river part that has fast moving rapids and I let Hunter in to just a little part of it and he had fun. Grace was all upset in the stroller so I let her out and I am still trying to hold Misha on the leash and watch Hunter to make sure he doesn't get pulled into the little rivers current and it was pretty fast. And a nice kind teenager kid told me to watch out cause the current was fast. Thanks dude, I already knew that but I was nice to him and let him think I didn't have a clue. I don't know why but this beach had alot of pug dogs and Misha is not into small dogs she goes crazy and all these pug dogs were at this little river and you can just imagine the mess and Grace wasn't happy with the little bit of water time I gave her she wanted to be where Hunter was and I didn't even want Hunter to be where he was so I had Grace crying in the stroller and dragging Misha by her throat and Hunter complaining about leaving and we had to make it back to the car. Again it wasn't easy when we got to the soft sand and I was almost there and two kind old men must have seen me from the parking lot came and asked what they could do to help and I was so frustrated and my back hurt that I told them to please carry the stroller with Grace in it and they did. Such nice people out there! It was a nice time at the beach we did relax for a little bit and we went to McDonalds and ate in the car and hit the road by 2pm and all was asleep in the car. When I am alone just me and my kids aren't talking is when I think of what is going on. I realized that this is how my life is going to be. I gotta figure out how to plan things and do things by myself and Larry doesn't want to be a part of this and that is one of the things that hurts the most. That Larry doesn't want to be with me and I and the kids are were we are at because he doesn't want to be with me. Wow. Doesn't make me feel really good about me. I gotta deal with this and realize it will get better but when I do things that I have done with Larry in the past and I can't do anymore is when it hits me the hardest and I just have to breathe all over again. It was a good day but it also made me think about why it is the way it is because of me. On to pictures!

Can I say that it was a perfect day to go to the beach! It was 64 degrees when we got there and so very sunny!

The kiddos with their new hats! I am sporting a new brown one with pink Gap letters.

My buddy he is so serious. Can you see Misha's leash?

Notice the nice slopper on the rock. I guess nice, dirty rocks help with teething?

Hunter asking to go to the water. Grace got soooo mad when I took that rock away from her! It had so much sand on it she was furious with me! Notice Misha this is how she was the WHOLE time! I gotta love her she had a great time and is so exhausted from the day. I just couldn't leave her at home. She is family and would have been so bummed.
Lounging with the kiddos and watching for dogs. Such a protector! Misha was probably still for 2 seconds and than was so excited and wanted to bark. Grace is still chewing on that rock and Hunter is watching a kite.

Sha!

When I took Misha out to go potty this morning Grace came out on the porch and kept saying Sha! I guess that is her new name for Misha. It makes sense since that is the last thing you hear when you say her name...Sha. Misha was getting into the dishwasher this evening and I told her Misha get out and Grace was in her highchair and she said Sha get out but not as clear as it sounds written out. She is my little dog discipliner. When I was on the computer this evening I kept hearing her say Sha, Sha, Sha and I looked in the living room and Misha is in the recycliner laying on it and Grace has her red leash and she is trying to put it on her to talk her for a walk. I tell you this girl is a smart little cookie. So Misha is Sha now. Cute, huh!?! :-)

Grace's first trip to the Beach!

I will be honest I didn't take Grace to the beach for her first time Larry did because he wanted some time with the kids. He took both kids a couple weeks ago and I stayed home and showered, took a nap, read a book and relaxed. When they came home and I saw these pictures that Larry took with his camera I realized what I had missed. I cried when he showed these pictures to me because it hit me that I missed Grace's first trip to the beach, I missed both my kids doing something together other than playing around the house or taking them to the mall this was something they did together and it made me so sad that I missed it. I missed their smiles, laughs, screams, and wide eyed wonder and this is what my life is going to be like I am going to miss out on some of their stuff and that makes me very sad. I don't like this part of divorce or seperation. It isn't fair to the person who doesn't want this to happen. I made sure that Larry gave me these pictures because I wanted them because of so many reasons. Enjoy them like I did.

Know what bites?

I haven't been able to take pictures lately. I mean to but I just forget to or I am busy with kids, animals, work, and housework that I haven't brought out my camera. Maybe it is because I can't get to the fact that I have to take them to show what is going on in our lives and I am still trying to understand it all and move on. You wanna know what bites right now? I took my wedding ring off 11 days ago and just that alone was painful, hurtful, dejecting, embarrasing, and humilating. Larry has had his off for months. What bites is that I keep rubbing my fingers on my right hand together for some reason and it is so weird not to have my ring there. It has been on my finger for almost 7.5 years. That bites and I am taking it personally and I know I shouldn't but I put that ring on to be in a relationship with a person for life and that relationship has been taken from me and has moved on and has feelings for another new relationship. And that is what hurts the most right now and that bites. Don't get me wrong I am getting better but it always comes back to that issue and I have to go through my day and wake up knowing that going to work knowing that hanging out with my kids knowing that and trying to go to sleep and knowing that. It bites. I just wish that Larry didn't go that far because I had gotten everything until this and I am just supposed to move on and deal. Well I will but for now it bites. Maybe I am feeling low cause Hunter will not listen to anything I say today and that bites. And Grace was grumpy at the store when I went after work and I was just embarrased that both kids weren't behaving and I didn't have my ring on and I just knew that the people in the line knew I was a single mother that couldn't control her kids and that bites. I know this will get better and I will have good days and bad days but sometimes I wish that I could just put my ring on and I know that I can't and that bites cause it really meant something to me and it has been taken away. Promise happy posts in the future.

Another song!

Isn't it weird how a song can just help you? Here is another song that I actually heard the words yesterday in my car during the chit chat of my kiddos. It is from the Lady Antebellum album. It is the last song on the album called One Day You Will.

Here is what the writer said about it...This song was a real departure for us as writers. We usually tend to write about relationships . It was nice to write a song that inspired and uplifted us, and hopefully it'll do the same for you...

...............

One Day You Will

Lyrics by Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain

You look inside and all you feel is pain

And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining

In every cloud there's a silver lining

Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)

And every heartache makes you stronger

But it won't be much longer

You'll find love, you'll find peace

And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel

But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself

What am I doing here anyway

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread

You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath

And you don't know it yet

Find the strenth to rise above

You will

Find just what you're made of, you're made of

One day you will

oh one day you will

...............

How come this writer gets it and gets what is going on in my head, life, heart, and soul? Isn't it crazy how a song just says it all? Does this song help you like it helps me? I hope so. It helps me with the lies, the heartache, the unknown, the craziness, the overwhelming pain and thoughts. I just hope that maybe through all this crap of my life that maybe, just maybe one day I will be happy and love the way I was supposed to and will find the strength cause right now my life is unbalanced, uncertain, and I have to think of five little lives...my kids, Misha cause Misha is my protector and my first real live thing that I raised and my cats. All animals are around me as I type this. Lucy is in back of me on the chair and Misha and Kramer are on the rug in back of me. They are part of me and they are used to me always being here for them. And than I gotta make sure that I make me stronger to get through all this disappointment and rise above it all. So maybe some day I will...be happy, be loved, be me.