My life...

are my loves. Grace and Hunter. I live for them and they love me for who I am and my life is about them. Here is a little insight to what I get from them and what they say to me.

Hunter...who makes me smile.
~loves to paint! he paints every night and I have about 20 pages of his paintings on top of the fridge.
~loves Little Einsteins
~loves warm milk
~started calling me mom, mommy, and mama lately
~loves pasta and peppers
~can say his ABC's and counts to 20 but misses a number towards the end
~loves to read Where the Wild Things Are at night. (this is personally not my favorite book but he loves it so I read it everynight. not gonna say why I don't like it)
~already knows how to work on the computer
~loves to scream and I know this is a boy thing so I try my best to let him to do but I am not a fan of it.
~loves to help in the kitchen and help cook
~gets excited when he hears Grace in the morning cause he knows he can get out of bed. He says Gracie awake
~has tons of bruises on his head and cheek from many collisions with family furniture
~is the best little buddy a mom can ask for

Grace...who makes me laugh
~this girl can talk! If you say something to her she will say it most of the time back to you. She can say in her way blanket, passy (pacifer), cracker, Hunter (that was her first word), apple, milk, paint, bye, mama, papa, nana, playdoh, book, and a few others that I can't think of
~she can wave bye and will do anything Hunter does and gets upset if she can't do it
~loves to paint and color
~gets really mad if you take something from her or if she doesn't get her way
~pretty sure that she thinks she is top dog
~loves books. she will carry them around and if you are on the floor she will get one and sit on your lap and wants you to read it
~loves, loves, loves to eat. She can eat anytime and will go to the drawer to get a cracker and say cracker, cracker, cracker till she gets one
~has the craziest teeth ever but she is still stinking cute
~loves Elmo and loves to dance

They are my loves and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Hunter's first trip to the dentist!

Buddy and I went to his first dentist appointment on Thursday I took him to Young Kidz Dental in Clackamas. I knew Hunter would love it cause I checked out their website and it had fishtanks, animals painted on the wall, and lots of lights! I didn't tell him he was going until that morning and of course for some reason he wanted popcorn for a morning snack and I gave him some cause I wasn't ready to fight him about it and I definitely had to brush his teeth before we went. He was pretty quiet the way there. Google Map was not my friend and got me lost and I had to find it myself but he kept saying we are at the dentist and I kept telling him nope momma has to turn around. When we finally got there he was super excited he wanted to climb the stairs, which was a flight of stairs to the next level of the building and of course the dentist was on the main floor so I told him after the dentist we could go up the stairs. He was cool with that. Can I tell you that it makes me feel so good to hold my little buddies hand and know that when he isn't certain of something that he knows I am taking care of him. I love to hold his hand! I honestly was having butterflies about this whole appointment I didn't want to do it by myself and I didn't want Larry to miss it but under the circumstances of two days before I wasn't willing to do it with Larry and I had to tell myself I could do it! We walked in the front door and he immediately went to this revolving quarter machine that had toys in it and for the life of me he was gone to the world and I had to get him back to the present cause that revolving thing was the coolest thing in the world! We checked in and went to the waiting room that had football and soccer ball chairs! He was in heaven and wasn't sure what to do he started wanting to take his shoes off and I had to tell him we need to keep them on but he could play until the dentist called his name. Here he is in the waiting room. This nice dental assistant came and called his name and was trying to talk with him but he was all about the waiting room and I had to tell him we had to go see the dentist. We went in the back and he was in paradise! He noticed the farthest fish tank in the room and made a bee line for it! He was so excited it took us a little bit to get him to come to the chair. From this moment on he was a little scared cause she wanted him to lay down and he wasn't sure what was going on. She put googles on him and I kid you not he looked just like Larry and it was even harder to deal but when he looked at me you could tell he was scared so I sat beside him and rubbed his leg the whole time and everything she wanted him to do he would look at me and make sure he was ok. It was the most enduring thing I have ever done. I did take pictures of him in the dentist chair I took them with my camera and my phone. I took better pictures of him with my phone but here is the only one I took with my camera cause I had to get back to him cause the lady was getting ready to look at his teeth
Isn't he the bravest little boy ever! Notice the fish tank in the back that isn't the one he ran to when he got to the back. He liked it when she put the sucker thing in his mouth and he wasn't very sure about the polishing but he did like looking at the light above his head. By the end of the appointment he was opening his mouth better and was listening better to the lady I think by this time he realized that she wasn't going to hurt him. Then Dr. Young came and he was a trooper with him and passed! Then the best part of his appointment was the kind lady who cleaned his teeth gave him a token and said he could choose any item in the revolving toy quarter machine! He totally forgot all about her and went straight to that and was so excited to turn the machine and he already knew which one to turn cause they had about 6 of them. He got a hamburger plastic toy and was in hog heaven. We left the clinic and he did not forget about the stairs we went up to the next level and turned around and walked back down and went to the car and he held my hand the whole time. I had an awesome time with my little buddy!

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed today and I can't seem to make it stop. Everything is hitting me about my life and what is going on. I am so alone but I know that I am not I have the kids, family, and friends. But I have to do this with the kids and know that my life has changed dramatically and my life is not the way it was the last time Larry was here. The jeep is gone he mostly leaves it here when he is gone and in my head I didn't want it here but in my heart it means that he is gone from us completely and his jeep to me was protection for us and now I have to be the main protector for my kids. My family had to mow my lawn and Hunter is already starting to act like he does when Larry leaves and I am overwhelmed to know that he is in Canada and that is a whole another overwhelm that I can't even blog about but it hurts. It sucks. I do not like weekends anymore I do not like my day off anymore because I am overwhelmed the most on those days because I have to be in my house and know that my life is at a stand still and I can't do anything about it and this is so unfair. I need alot of prayer so if you are big time prayers I need it to get through this next week with all the change and to make my mind stop thinking about what Larry is doing and try to move on from all that. I know that this will all get bettert but today is just a hard day. I have to power through this and it is just me and the kids from now on. I get it and I am trying to adjust to it and it will take me awhile for it to settle in especially with the news I got this week. I promise my next blog will be about the kids cause I have pictures of Hunter's first dentist appointment and not about me. Pray, Pray, Pray, please...

Hurdle #2

Here is Hurdle #2

Larry asked for a seperation the Sunday before Christmas.

Larry asked for a divorce a couple weeks ago.

This week he told me he has feelings for a girl in Canada.

So there you go. I understand why he wants out of this marriage from all he has told me. I get it and accepted it but I was willing to make it work and do everything to get him back and keep us together but he already feel out of love a year ago. My marriage wasn't perfect I am not perfect I didn't do the marriage right I didn't show Larry that yes I do love him and have loved him everyday of our marriage I just didn't show it the way your supposed to. So I take the blame on that one but it doesn't change how hurt I am from learning all this and that he has already replaced me and I was trying to fight for him. I am emotional and physically drained but it doesn't matter about me he says this is what it is and to move on. I am but I am still trying to figure out why he is way ahead of me in this and he hasn't even started the divorce. That is another issue but I am not going to put that in my blog just know that what he is doing about that isn't fair but I know life isn't fair but in my head and heart what he is doing isn't fair or right. I know I haven't mentioned the kids in this whole blog entry cause that is another issue they don't deserve this but to Larry they didn't need to live the lie anymore but I honestly didn't know my life and marriage was a lie. I could go on and on but I won't I am just letting you know where I am at and he is on his way back to Canada today. And I have to start breathing again and try to get strong again. It wasn't a good week at all but I am so glad it is almost over. I am tired of getting hurt and I want to be happy again.

My new favorite song!

I absolutely LOVE....I Run To You by Lady Antebellum! I just bought their CD tonight. I haven't been buying anything for me just trying to be frugle and buy for the kids and I just had to buy this CD! This song should make me sad because it is a love song but it doesn't. It should make me cry but it doesn't. The song to me doesn't make sense I sang the whole song AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS in my car tonight! I wasn't sad. I know it is so confusing I should be sad and hate this song but I love it and now I can sing it anytime Hunter will let me in the car! Maybe even Grace will start singing it since she likes to say the ABC song. I have loved this song since it came out and way before they got a grammy. I am playing it right now on the computer as I type! So I opened up the page insert and this is what it said about the song...

...This song is an expression against hate, prejudice, negativity, running the rat race, but ultimately the redemption of love! And it is has an irrestible melody and a head-bobbing groove. What could be better?...

After reading it now I get why I LOVE it!

Should I?

Should I put in my blog what really is going on in my life? Should I really say what I want to say and not just beat around the bush? Should I tell what Hurdle #2 is? :-(

I cannot win.

Today was another not so great day. I realized I cannot win with hurdle #2 and never will. I had to take off something that I never thought I would because I cannot win. Please pray for me and my kids cause this week is rough on me and I am having a hard time with it all. I wish that I could win and get my way but not with this and once again I gotta just deal and be hurt all over again. I just want the hurting to stop.

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I finally watched this movie the other night. I love the book series and I love the author cause she is English and I love her style of writing. Back to the movie...at first I thought it was kinda slow at the beginning but than I starting really liking it. I thought it was a cute chick flick and I think I read the books about 8 years ago so I remembered alot of the stuff in the book. If you need a chick flick fix go rent this movie. Super cute. Made me want to go out and shop. ;-) But I am about not using credit cards right now I am about paying them off and getting out of debt. But if I could shop like this girl did it would be fun. ;-)

Thank you...

to everyone who leaves a comment on my blog! It means alot of what you say and it helps me so much more than you all know. Thank you to everyone and every comment and you don't have to be nice you can be as honest as you want. I can do this, this is life and I have been hurt and I will heal and be hurt again but I can do it. I can breathe and move forward...because I have to.

So thank you.

I can do this right?!

I can do this right?! I keep asking myself that and I don't have the right answer! It is a hard day for me didn't think it would be but it is. I am human. I have feelings I just gotta deal and power through. It doesn't matter what I think or what I want so I gotta just do. Just know that I know I can do this I just don't want to nor do I think it is right, and again I don't want to do this. But it isn't in my hands and it isn't about me and what I want. But in a way it is but there is more than just me in this and that is what makes me mad because I have to fight for two little angels that don't deserve this or need this happening to them. But I can do this right for them, I hope and pray that I do cause it isn't about what I want but what is best for me and the kids since I need to take care of myself and I can do this. Please pray, pray, pray that I do this right!

The Wedding Date

I watched a movie last night. It was called The Wedding Date and it came out in 1995. Very sad that I am finally seeing it. I was excited to see it after seeing previews for it on On Demand. Grace went down like a peach and Hunter went down at 9:00pm so I put the DVD in turned it on and Hunter wanted warm milk I paused the movie right as it had just started. Got dude his warm milk said goodnight and went back to the couch pushed play and started again a minute went by and Hunter said he puked and than I went in his room and he proceeded to puke 3 more times on his bed and on his floor. He had gagged on his milk, lovely. I turned on the bath and put him in and cleaned his floor and put his whole entire bed sheets and blankets in the wash and put new stuff on it. Cleaned him up and put him back in bed and it was 9:30pm. Hunter didn't fall asleep until 10:30pm. I played and paused my movie so many times I can't tell you how many. I ended up finishing the movie at 11:30pm. I really liked the movie I thought it was cute. I give it 3.5 stars! My night didn't stop there. Grace woke up twice during the movie and than all through the night I think I got up 5 times with her. She has two teeth coming in one on the top and one on the bottom. Most of the times when she gets teeth she gets sick. Her issue this time is a snotty nose and coughing. Hopefully tonight it is a better night! I got another movie from Netflix so we will see. So it was a good movie I liked it! Grace is already in bed and she has tylenol and teething tablets on board so hopefully she sleeps the whole night like a peach!

A card some friends gave me!

These are the actual words of a Hallmark card that some girlfriends gave me last Tuesday after a hard weekend. Made me cry but it was a good cry.

The front said...

Life's problems aren't always

easy or expected.

And even if it's hard for you

to believe in yourself right now,

know that others believe in you

and your ability to make it through this.

than the inside said...

You're tougher than you think.

Wow! That just hit me and made me realize that this is so true! I came across the card again today and it made me smile after reading it. Thanks girls!

First Pigtails!

My mom did this! I was getting ready this morning and she put Grace's hair in pigtails. It looked pretty cute. I think she looks like Wendy in the Wendy commercials for the hamburger restaurant. Don't you think?

My new fav things!

~I love Multigrain chips with flax seed in them! I love to get the big bag of them at Costco!
~I love Quinoa w/ chicken broth and garlic also I get a big bag at Costco!
~I love mini milk chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Jo's!
~I love Trader Jo's!
~I love Bota Box wine...you can also get it at Trader Jo's~!

Those are just a few of my new fav things. It is a good thing I have found new foods I like cause I have lost alot of weight so I am trying to put it back on! Gotta have energy! A month or so ago all of us got our Vitamin D levels checked at the clinic and I was the lowest! I got a 9! I think your supposed to be above 35? It makes perfect sense that I am this low cause I don't get out in the sun much cause I don't want to burn nor do I want my kiddos to burn and I hate sunscreen! So I am taking my Vitamin D and my new favorite vitamins from Costco the chewable adult vitamins! Thanks Amanda for the heads up on that one! Can you tell I like Costco and Trader Jo's?

Netflix is sending me my next chick flick! Wedding Date! I am excited for this one and hopefully it isn't too much of a tear jerker! So that is what is new with me. Crazy days are ahead so I am trying to keep up with it all but I am eating more and keeping up with my vitamins and watching chick flicks and reading books and doing my all time fav thing....hanging out with my kiddos! Grace is my boost of confidence cause she is a mama's girl and says my name all the time especially when I get out of her field of vision. Gotta love the girl! Hunter is my talking companion. He can just talk and ask questions gallor but I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. Tonight when we went to Costco he said that the moon was going with us to Costco and that it was smiling. It actually was it was a slice of a moon and it looked like a smile! Gotta love the sharp kid! What are your new fav's?

Notting Hill

I finished the movie Notting Hill tonight just in case you were all wondering. I made it through no tears this time and I smiled alot and thought the movie was very cute. Had some good stuff in it and I like it. ;-)

I cried.

V-day was hard for me so I watched Notting Hill on Netflix on the computer after the kids went to bed. I had seen it showcased on the TV when I was doing Seasame Street on On Demand and thought I should watch it. So I did. I watched the first half and had to stop. I cried. They kept playing the song that we used at my wedding during the slideshow at the end of it after we got married and in the movie they played it twice. I don't remember the name of the song but it had the words..when you say nothing at all, the smile on your face lets me know what your meaning...and it just hit me and I had to turn it off cause I was crying. Is it a sign? Probably. Gotta deal with it? Yep. And because the day ended like it did I just have to move on. Hope next years Valentine's day is better. Tomorrow I will restart the movie and push through it cause it is part of learning my new life and I love a good romance.

I wish!

I wish I could say what I really want to say on my blog! I wish I could tell you all how I REALLY feel and what I am REALLY going through. But nope I can't yet cause I am still processing it all. I will tell you I do not like the word PROCESS! I also don't like the phrase...IT IS WHAT IT IS. I also don't like I AM SORRY cause that can mean so many things that you should be sorry for and what part are you saying your sorry for? Wow, I feel better just getting that out. Today was a good day with the kids just a hard day for the heart but I got through it and powered on cause that is what I gotta do. I wish it could be different but you don't always get what you wish for. So I wish that I keep on making my kiddos smile cause that is my job and goal in life! That is my wish!

Valentine's Day

I personally like Valentine's Day other's out there don't but for some crazy reason I do! I get in the hype of it all. I am thankful this year it landed on a Sunday made it easier this year. This Valentine's Day I made heart shaped eggos for the kids I cut out a heart on the eggo and they had both pieces and I put jam on them. Grace ate hers Hunter didn't touch his. His new thing is making eggs I think he gets this from Annie. He has to crack the egg and I scramble them and he still hasn't ate them kinda of a waste but I give them to Grace and she will eat them sometimes. Than I treated myself to Starbucks and the kids and I went to the Woodburn Outlet Stores to the Coach Store! Two co-workers of mine gave me a gift card to the Coach store and it made me happy to get it and I saved it to spend on Valentine's Day to get something just for me. My co-workers know I love Coach purses and hadn't got a new one in 3 years and I was going to spend my Christmas bonus on a new one but that didn't work out but a credit card got paid off so back to now. I am now a proud owner of a new black Coach purse and I love it! Thanks girls you both rock! So now Valentine's Day is half over and I am going to put my kiddos to bed for nap time. Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Hope someone makes you smile!

My favorite picture of the kids...

...and me! I am not photogenic at all so to say I like this picture of me is a big deal. Uncle Anthony took this picture of us at Grace's Bday party. I love how Hunter has his big brother shirt on that he got for Christmas from Auntie Lindsey and Uncle Coco and you can tell he just wants to take the toy right out of our hands. And that Grace has a smile on her face. It is one of my fav's just wanted you all to know!

Today...

was a good day and an awesome friend texted me something and it all made sense. Thank you good friend!

Pics of the kids!

In a happier note here are pics of the kiddo's!

Grace loves books! She loves to sit in your lap and point at the pictures. This book right now is one of her favs! She carries it around the house and back in forth in her room. It is an old book of Hunter's that his uncle gave him. Doesn't she look so grown up sitting at the table with her book?!
My little artist! Hunter loves to paint! He paints every night! He loves to make circles all over his paper or make lines. Last night him and I painted a paper together and I showed him how to paint everything so I think he is understanding it more now. But we just ran out of Little Einstein papers so I gotta get him more! He is way to cute! He could paint forever and puts a color on his brush paints on the picture than puts the brush in the water and gets another color and does that over and over again. He actually is pretty clean with it all too!
My kiddos watching Seasame Street! Grace loves to hear the ABC's! Hunter looks so grown up in this picture and they are both in their pj's! I love pj's!

Can't remember when I took this picture but it was a rare moment with just both of them. It must had been before Grace went to sleep at night cause she has one of her blankies with her and their in the pj's.

Change

I am not good with change but have to change my life cause hurdle #2 didn't work out the way I wanted it to. So I don't get my way and that is the real bummer of it all but I can't change what is happening cause this is not what I want but in order to make people happy this is what I have to do. It sucks but like I said I tried and it was too late. My bad? Yes, but I was willing to make it all work and it wasn't meant to be. So new blog and new life and it is all about my kids and me. So here is to change...

I don't know

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to feel, I don't know anything right now and it isn't fun, it isn't fair. I didn't realize it was bad, I didn't realize anything and I am where I am because I didn't realize and I don't like it. It just isn't a good time right now. Probably not going to blog for awhile.

Eggs go nigh night!

Wow I am doing great at this blogging business! I am trying to blog more cause I want to remember stuff that just makes me laugh and I don't have the greatest memory so I better write it down. I am also doing it for another reason but that is TMI. I have told people around me that Hunter makes me smile and Grace makes me laugh. It is amazing how kids can change your mood. Grace feel asleep at 7:45pm tonight! She normally goes down around 8-8:30pm, but she was a tired little camper she rolled over and crashed. It was kinda nice cause I got to do the dishes that I usually do close to nine.

So the reason for my blog entry for tonight. Hunter wanted to play with his eggs (plastic Easter eggs) again tonight. Not sure how we got back into the Easter eggs it must have been Larry or a family member but that is alright. So I got them out of storage cause I am trying to keep my holiday stuff in the same bin or plastic container so I don't buy anymore holiday stuff that I don't need. Trying to save some money some how! Anywho, Hunter was playing with them and mixing them up with a metal spoon and putting them in their egg container and he played with them for awhile while I cleaned up. I needed more time to clean so I was trying to think of what to give him to keep him occupied and quiet so Grace would continue sleeping. I was thinking of what to put in the container and than I thought of an idea! I got out Grace's cupcake papers that were left over and gave him the rest and placed them on the table one at a time. Than another brillant idea came to me. I told him since he had mixed the eggs so much that they probably needed to go nigh night. Okay this is where it gets cute. So we layed them in the white cupcake papers and there was just enough for all the eggs. They were are laying in their papers going nigh night and then this was the part that suprised me and I thought was cute and I didn't tell him to do this it was all him. Hunter took one egg to go nigh night in his bed and put it under the covers....one to go nigh night on Papa's chair...one to go nigh night on the couch ...three to go nigh night in the kitchen...the last one on the toy box and I got him to stay still.And when he put all 11 eggs to go nigh night all around the house except our bedroom he was done. He told his eggs to go nigh night and they did for about 20 minutes while I took pictures of them. Than he wanted ice cream. I told him that his eggs need to wake up and go in their basket which he didn't understand and when I called it the green bucket he understood.

This egg went nigh night by the green bucket...So he picked up every egg and told the egg your all done going nigh night and put the egg and the cupcake paper in the bucket. He talked to everyone and was done and was ready for ice cream. Can I tell you that I am loving watching and learning with my little buddy it is too fun! Yes, he can be a pain and have meltdowns, doesn't listen, takes toys from his sister...but it is times like these that I gotta post and write about cause it is so real that I gotta soak it up and just smile cause Hunter makes me smile.