done.

Mother's day done. It was a great one. I had so many texts, surprises, coffee, flowers and I got to hang all day with my little loves. I got a dozen (i think) yellow roses from my mom and Wayne from the kids. Love them. I also got a hand-made coffee cup that has my kids coloring on it and it says I love mama that my mom had the kids make. Love, love, love it. It was a good day. Thank you everyone for making me feel like a great mom with your texts and calls and special gifts that the kids gave me. I feel loved.

Today was overwhelming there is so much behind the scene about this divorce that I am not even blogging about. Just know that divorce is evil especially when you don't want to do it and when you are doing it for the person you love and the person that is hurting you and not fixing the marriage and is walking away from it. It is so evil that just doing the behind work to get the horrible papers served is enough to just make me want to stop it all. I don't want to serve Larry papers. I don't. I think it is horrible it means 8 years of what I had is going away and it isn't what I want but what I have to do for Larry to be free of me because I don't think he can do it. Why? I think it is because of the kids. He doesn't want to have to decide how little or how much time he gets with them and how much or how little I get of them. It is all about the kids. I don't want to do this divorce because I don't want to do this to the kids. I don't want to loose any time I have with them and I don't want to have to decide how much time he gets and how much time he looses. I think he is having me do this because than I will have the final say on the kids. I don't want to give them up but I know they need their dad and I hope I make the best decision for us all. I also am having a hard time giving up Larry. I know that sounds stupid but it is so hard not to wonder what he is doing if he has found another person to be happy with or if he is just as unhappy as I am. In regards to this divorce I have not told a person what my plan is about the kids no one knows I know what I want to do will see if my lawyer is ok with it and than the next person will be Larry. This is between me and him and as evil as it all is we got to where we are and we have to fix the mess we are in and if I have to be the one that does the divorce to get the mess fixed to make him happy then that is what I am doing. I have to put Larry aside and think of what is best for me and the kids. Larry put me aside when he decided to do what has happened. And that is where I am at today in the middle of evil called divorce. I want whoever reads my blog to never ever get your marriage or relationship this bad! I want you to communicate, love, listen, show feelings, show emotions, talk, laugh, argue, and breathe each other in because don't even think of doing divorce it is not worth it someone will get hurt, someone will have a better life, the future is so unclear that it isn't worth not giving your marriage another chance. In the midst of all this I have to move on and I don't know how to do that yet. Friends say start a hobby. That is kinda hard right now when I am trying hard not to spend a penny. It all goes into saving Larry and I from a short sale to the bank in regards to selling this house. I think this goal will go south but I am giving it my all until I can't do it anymore. I have raised enough money to sell our house at the new price I dropped it to. Now I have to save for the next drop and hopefully the tax return comes soon and hopefully Larry doesn't touch what I have saved when the divorce gets to the part about money. I am not sure how much he will have to help once we get to that part I have double what he gave me to start with. All that I have saved has been from what he has given us from working in Canada and from selling stuff and from budgeting and not buying much and from saving every little bit that I can. I have even turned off the heat and my house has gotten to 66 degrees I know that isn't much but I am so used to it being 70 that I am freezing sometimes but I have learned extra clothing and bundle ling the kids in warm pj's help. I am about being in crunch zone when it comes to budgeting to get this house sold even if it means waiting a year to get it sold. Not my ideal goal but I hope to have a better picture of where I am at financially when this divorce is final than I can see were we are at with the house. If I have to give it up to the bank than so be it but I am trying to save our credit and our future. Just another issue on top of all the other stuff that I am taking care of. Yes, my hair is turning grey in certain areas and I hope that it doesn't all turn grey in the next few months. Need serious prayer this week not sure what is going to happen I just know that I have to look at evil stuff tomorrow and deal with that and continue on with the new chapter in my life. I just wonder if it even bothers Larry that I have filed and if it is finally hitting him what is happening. He still has the final say in this whole thing. He could decide not to sign the papers and fight for his family. Will see if he does. It is all about his happiness he started this he can finish it I am just paving the way for him to help him. Cause that is what I do I do things for people to make their lives better and hopefully in the end it will make me. Crazy I know but that is just me. Yes, I am stronger, yes I have changed and yes I can do this but it doesn't mean I like it cause I don't. My past is past I am thinking of the future and it looks pretty scary to me.