Don't know what to blog...

this week has been another bad week. No resolution in my life. Feeling overwhelmed again especially this morning and Larry hasn't even left for Canada yet. He leaves tomorrow for 3 more weeks. This could go on for 4-5 months or longer. I don't want to do this anymore. I tried to show Larry that I am fighting for him and I don't get hope or no hope in return. I get he needs more time. That should mean hope to me but honestly I don't know what it means. To me it is saying I am not worth trying to fight for I am not worth trying to get out. I wanted to make this few weeks easier for me and him with some resolution and I am back to no communication with him because I discuss what is happening and push him too much. I make us go in circles about what is happening. I am a girl I am emotional but I guess from what I have been told guys aren't emotional and it makes it worse. Our problem was communication and I am doing it and he isn't and I fear that he will think that since we didn't communicate well now it isn't going to work and I am only doing what he wanted. I still have issues with the girl and we don't talk much about that. This is one huge area that will take time to forgive and forget if this works. The positives of this week was I got to hang out with my family of four for 3 seperate occasions. I loved it and I wanted to show what I really wanted to say and feel to Larry but I knew I couldn't. I am soaking up those memories cause I don't know if the next time Larry comes home what will happen. I got to show Larry that I am stronger but I also showed him I am still weak but I was only trying to show him I got why we are where we are and I was excited to show him I changed and we can do this and it can be so much fun. I got that just cause I showed him 4 days of a different me doesn't justify the last 7 years. I am not sure if I will be forgiven of the last 7 years and my joy of showing him I get it was destroyed a little bit. But at least he is thinking of what I have told him. Not sure how much time he will take with all this. I try to stay positive my friends say to give him time and I do but what about me? I have tried so much and now I have to stop and try not to fall out of love with my husband cause all my efforts have not moved him in one direction or another. I don't feel worthy of saving I am just being honest. I am doubting if I can even love him if I keep getting told more time it messes with my head and heart. I am scared to death that all our issues might not get fixed if we do get back together but I am willing to try, read, to anything. It hurts me that he still walks out of our door at the end of the night and I am not ok with that but I have to deal with it. I have done it for 3 months now what is another few days, weeks, months? I have done everything I can to make his time in Canada easier I gave him pics of the kids, I told him how to possibly make Hunter talk to him when he calls (not sure if he did this), I have bent over backwards to show him I care. But is it worth it? Does he get it or see it? Is he already done and just can't tell me cause I keep giving? This is what I deal with everyday. Yes, I have given him to God but my head and heart still think about him all the time. I just hope that maybe just maybe I get a sign of hope or no hope from him either while he is in Canada or when he gets home so I don't have to do this anymore. I just want closure if I am going to be in his life or not. I can't keep fighting for him because time might not be my friend I might fall out of love cause I am not getting any in return. Maybe this is what he wants? He keeps saying that I need to do what I want and I have been! I have been trying to save us, trying to love him, trying to change myself for me and the stuff I want gets nowhere! Is this a sign I don't know? I have taken care of our kids for 5 months now by myself for 3 weeks at a time and 1 week with Larry here and 2 of those months he lived her 3 months he didn't. I know that I can do this next 5 months or whatever it will be. We made it this far we can do the next months. I just pray that someday I will get the true answer from Larry. I still love him and I think our marriage can work. I just want to feel beautiful and loved and I think I have done an excellent job of trying but I am tired, burnt out, and physically, emotionally, mentally drained of this all. So please continue to pray for me and my family I can't try anymore. I leave it to God and Larry cause I have to step back and let Larry have his space and time and that my friends is not easy nor is it fun.