Prayer, church, and God

I have to be honest and tell you all that I haven't been great in any of these areas in a long time years even.

Prayer~I know that I have been asking for prayer through all this but I just better be up front about where I am at so no one thinks I am fake. I just started praying again when Larry asked for a seperation I hadn't been doing it in a long time. I did when I was pregnant with both kids and at their births but than I would forget and not do it again. Through many years of my marriage I didn't pray the only time I remember was when Larry would go into his surgeries and when Lonnie got diagnosed with cancer. I am getting better with prayer but I was praying so hard that God would bring back Larry to me and help me fix my marriage that when Larry told me on the phone he wanted a divorce I forgot to pray again for a few days and than I started praying for God to help me through all this. Now I am praying that I can make it and do what is right for me and the kids.

Church~I don't even remember the last time I went to church. I think it was when Hunter was little for Easter service. I hadn't been in church years before that. I blame it on laziness and not wanting to get up on Sunday and get going and take up the whole morning. Bad I know but I am being honest. I went to church so much when I was little until highschool. I had chapel at school and I had youth group during the week and church on Sunday. When I got out of Highschool I went to church and helped in Sunday school for a few years than I stopped. I was burnt out and realized not everyone was going to church. When we were married we did go to church for awhile than stopped cause we were in school and I got lazy. I still haven't put my foot in a church yet I am so gun shy right now because I thought I did everything right as a Christian and now I am going through one of the worst thing a Christian could do. I will make it back to church I am just not jumping into it yet. I can't really face all the people I did go to church with cause I am so embarrased this is happening and I know they know and that they are praying for me. And to go to church with my two kids without my wedding ring is so big for me I am not sure I can even do it. To me it is a failure because I was in my marriage for life and it looks so bad in my mind right now but I know that will hopefully change with time.

God~I don't even know how to start or say on this one. I love God and I forgot about him for so many years in my marriage and I think that might be one of the reasons He is doing this. I tried so hard to be a good Christian girl I didn't have sex before marriage, I didn't drink until I was 21, I didn't swear, I followed the rules at my Christian school, and I didn't look at other men in my marriage. So I am not sure why this is happening. But for some reason it is and I just have to put my faith and trust back into Him and hope that some good will come out of all of this. That is hard to do right now but I know I can't do this without Him now cause I am alone and have to take care of my kids and pray to God that he helps direct me the correct way this time.

I do appreciate all your prayers and I just wanted to let you know where I am honestly at in my life spiritually. I gotta start from ground zero again but at the moment I am gun shy because of my past and I have to just let that go and move on and move on with all the change in my life.

Happier post to follow...Hunter's birthday party is tonight!