What if's?

I am having the bad case of what if's lately. My counselor said not to dwell on the what if's but the here and now but it is hard to do when your life could go so many ways.

Wanna know some of my what if's?....what if the girl that Larry has feelings for really took to heart that I was really sincere in the voice message I left on her phone and she realized that she should stop doing whatever with Larry? what if Larry falls head over heels with this girl and moves to Canada? what if it doesn't work out for them? what if it does? what if Larry realizes what he has done was a mistake and wants to come back to me and the kids? what if Larry realizes that he isn't going to see his kids 24/7 and wants to make it work so he can? what if Larry has moved on and just wants to get on with his new life and doesn't care that he has made me a single parent mom? what if he does care that he did? what if I can't sell the house and the kids and I have to stay in it for years? what if we do will we be ok in an apartment with all the animals? what if I have to live on our couch for months to come? what if I get my own room with my own bed and the kids get their own rooms? what if Larry does want to come back and I don't let him? what if Larry does want me back and I do? what if we both go our seperate ways and find new people and we are all happy? what if we both go our seperate ways and do not find new people?

These are just a few what if's. Sorry to be so personal but this is what I think about when I am by myself at night, or in the car, or at work, or just randomly doing new things by myself with the kids and I just wish that Larry could be there to be a part of it like he was before. This isn't easy for me but I am just doing what Larry wants and with him in Canada doing whatever and having no communication it makes me wonder what if. So I gotta train my brain to just take life one day at a time.

At this point I don't even know what I want in life. I do know what my dream would be but I don't think that is going to happen and I can't even tell you what it is cause it changes everyday. I am getting stronger but I also have weaknesses and one of them is thinking of what if's. Maybe some day I will get want I want out of all this and that is just to be happy, loved and not lied to anymore.