Food Revolution episode 104

Very, hard, emotional day. But it is almost done. I want you all to know I fought hard for my marriage the last 5 months. I made a ton of mistakes the last 8 years of my marriage. I didn't listen, I didn't show feelings or emotions well, I didn't communicate well. But I also know that Larry had issues too. But I know what I did wrong. I was willing to fix me. I was willing to fix us. This weekend I tried to show Larry I changed and I am a better person I have a better self image I know more about sex, emotions, love, touch, feelings everything I didn't do that I should have done I laid it all out to show him we could do this. It didn't work. I hurt him to much and it didn't crack him. I am very embarrased about how much I had showed him I changed. I am very embarrased that he rejected me and cannot see that anything is possible if you make an effort to fix it. All I wanted was a date to see if we could do it. The new me wasn't enough I had already done enough damage to not make it work. I wish I could change time I wish I could have been a better wife I wish I could have made Larry happy. I wish I could show him we can make this work if we both get help to fix our issues it could work. But I keep getting hurt and I keep giving and he isn't going the same speed as me. I wish I could wait forever for him to make up his mind but he doesn't know what will make him come back or how he can. So I am embarrased, hurt, and sad. But I know that I can do this. I know that if Larry doesn't want me maybe in 10 years someone will. I would love to see us back together in a few months or years but I don't even know if he will ever be able to do it and I can't wait on him anymore. I am not worth it to be saved. That hurts but I know in my heart I am I just wish he would see that. So we move forward with the divorce because I cannot do this anymore. I cannot deal with this anymore. I do not want to give up my kids I don't want to do this divorce I want to save my family of four but I am backed to a corner and I don't want limbo. In my heart when Larry gets served papers I don't want him to sign them I don't want him to let us go but I can't decide that for him. I can't make him do anything anymore this is all up to him and what he wants. I love the guy to death even with everything that has happened and now I have to learn to let him go. That is very tough for me. Very tough. I don't want to do this. I don't want to divorce I don't want to start this evil stuff but I have no choice cause Larry isn't fighting for me he isn't showing me any action to fix us I thought he was but he backed off. I am so sorry I hurt him I am so sorry that I did this to him and that we are were we are at. I didn't mean to do any of this. But I want to be with a man who is happy with life, who is happy with me, who is happy with the kids. I was just hoping that was going to by Larry, the man I married. So I survived today. I cried alot. I cried the most I ever had at work. I saw way to many patients that know me and I didn't even tell them anything even though they asked if I was ok. I wasn't I am embarrased that I got rejected I know that this is what Larry probably felt for 8 years so I deserve it I know but it sucks and I am so sorry that he felt this way cause I don't like it at all. But I have to deal with it and realize that for some reason this is happening to me and my future scares the living hell out of me. I am scared of my debt, scared I will never get out of this house but that is ok I have come to the realization that I am not going to make it to Canby. Larry can live there and that frustrates me but I just have to be thankful I have a roof over my head. I have to now make sure that I make the right financial decisions for the rest of my life and make sure me and the kids are ok financially that is a huge burden. But I know I can do it I have to cause this is my job now. Enough of this sad crap.

After the kids went to bed I finally wateched an episode of Food Revolution number 104. I cried. It was so emotional for me cause the radio guy got on board. Very big. I was smiling through the whole thing. Then I realized that I was once again alone watching a show on the computer and I was ok. I had my babies with me and I was alone. I hate being alone but I gotta just deal with it. This is how it is going to be. I don't see myself trusting a guy anytime soon so this is how my life will be for a really long time. I took pictures of my kids sleeping again cause they are the reason I was fighting for me and Larry. They are the reason I keep going everyday. They are the reason that I wake up and try to make it through the day knowing their papa does not want to be with me. They don't listen but they do love me to death and I need alot of love right now since I feel rejected and I will take their love anyday. I messed up with their dad and I hope I don't mess up with them. They are my life and I hope that the love I can't show Larry that I can give to them even double. I don't want what is going to happen in my life and theirs but I have no choice I am doing it so I can be happy, Larry can be happy or find a way to be happy, and for them to realize they have two parents who love them to death and didn't mean this to happen to them. I really don't want this to happen I honestly don't I hope you all believe me but Larry is the only one to make it stop because I messed up with him in the past and I hurt him so much and I didn't realize I was but I should have and I can't fix this by myself he has to get to a point where he is happy and I just wanted to show him maybe it was fixable. We have two beautiful children and I know why he did this. But I have to learn to let him go and I don't know how to do that and I hope that this all works out for the best for everyone I just don't like what is to come.

So sleep well my babies I am going to try not to cry anymore and give you 100% and I will be so sad when you are not with me and I love you both to pieces and I am so sorry for the part that I have done to our family. I do love your papa and I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life.