baby powder

Yesterday I tossed Hunter's first bottle of baby powder. Yes it took me over 3 years and I used it on two babies and I finally used it all. I didn't use much on Hunter not sure why but I used more on Grace. Yep, I am crazy but it took me forever to use that bottle and I don't think I will buy another one cause it took me so long to use that one. It felt good to toss it though. Sad though cause Grace was calling it powder and knew where it went. Now I just got to use up my Costco desitin and all my baby lotions and I should be set. I am trying to use what I have before I buy anything else. Conserve were I can. The economy isn't looking good so I probably shouldn't be looking at stuff I can buy anyways and be thankful for the stuff I have in my house now and use it up.

Again, today was a hard day. Can't say why but just know it was hard. I just wish I was worth saving. I wish I didn't realize that Larry would give up being a 24/7 dad just to not be with me anymore and to start a new life and he is ok with that. I am not I am taking it personally. I am taking it hard and my emotions are low and I don't even know when we got this bad. I don't know when or what made Larry get to where he is at he said he feel out of love a year ago so that would be a year and a half since he told me 5 months ago. I had no clue. I didn't even know. I wish I would get what I want. I wish I didn't have to lose my little family for what Larry wants. I wish I didn't have to be the bigger person and do things for Larry's happiness. When did it become about him? When did is stop becoming about me? When did it stop becoming about being a family for the kids? I wish that I was worth fighting for and taking a leap and trying to keep us all together and just maybe we could make this whole mess work. But I am not even getting that. I have tried let me tell you. I just want to feel worthy, loved, and beautiful and I have to be the person that makes it that way for Larry. I can't do it if I don't get it in return. So Larry gets what he wants and I don't. He wins and I lose. Everything I have done for the last 5 months is for him and to show him he is worth it and I don't get it in return. I can't do this anymore. All I get is hurt and showed that I am not worth it and that is not fair. He has one more chance to come back he will probably not take it but I gave him one more and that is it. One last hurt and than it is over. I just want you all to know I tried and gave it my all. I know I wasn't the best wife ever I didn't show love well to Larry I didn't listen when he was trying to tell me I admit it now that he has told me everything but when I was told I listened and I tried for 5 months to correct my wrong. I was too late I didn't change fast enough and he didn't think I could change. But I gave it 100% once I knew how bad it was but I was stupid and didn't realize we were bad I was not even aware and that is what hurt Larry the most but I am only being honest. We had two babies and I was just trying to learn how to be a mother on top of everything else. I am not perfect and I know I am not and I am going to disappoint so many people but I am not perfect and I can't do this anymore I just want to feel beautiful and loved and worthy and not be sloppy seconds anymore.