hard day

Today is larry's birthday. The kids and I called and left him messages on his phones with birthday songs and birthday wishes he didn't pick up. How do you make these days easier? How do you turn off the caring button. I am not sure why it bugs me and makes me sad maybe cause the last 9 years I have been happy on this day and trying to make it Larry's day and we always said and made it a birthday week. I just wish I could call him and just talk like we used to and be like we used to be. I don't like this I don't like adjusting to holiday's and bday's. I don't want to do this and I have to do this the rest of my life and I can't even get through his birthday with it affecting me and affecting me all day. When will the hard day's stop? It is even hard for me to go to a resturant and see families of four eating dinner and seeing the mom's and dad's together with their kids and that isn't me and my family anymore. I just want to be happy and I don't know how to or when that will happen. I am not strong I am not happy and I don't know what to do or how to do this anymore. I just want my old life back I don't want to start a new chapter and figure out how to move and live on. I don't want to do this anymore I want me family back I want to be able to call Larry on his birthday and him answer and take our call and be excited to hear from us. I just wish I could get what I want instead of trying to figure out what I want with my new life their is to much decisions to make in my new life and I have to do it all on my own.