truth

I will probably loose alot of friends and family by doing what I am doing but you all have to know the truth and see why I am doing it. I filed for divorce on Monday. It is the hardest, saddest, most evilest thing to have to do. I don't want to do it. I don't believe in it and I don't want to do it but why am I? I have no choice. Larry has already committed adultery and has feelings for the girl and he can't cut ties with her and if he does he will still have those feelings and he is not sure if he can get her out of his head. Nice. He told me he wanted a divorce since February and now we are in May and I have been in limbo all those months fighting for him and our marriage and I was never going to win. He keeps saying he will do the divorce and another month goes on and I am scared to death of being served papers and I have thought they were coming all these weeks and months. Than I thought maybe I was winning him back. Nope I was a fool and I am not going to get my family I have already lost Larry and I didn't even have a chance after Christmas. I have lost 20 pounds since the beginning of this and I don't want to loose more. The last email that Larry sent me about not cutting ties with the girl and he doesn't want to I knew I would have to do the divorce. He said he would when he was in Canada but he hasn't all these months and I didn't want to wait 3 more weeks and than hear anymore lies from him and wait. When I decided that I had to do the one thing I didn't want to do for me and the kids and for our good and made the call I was able to eat. I was able to realize that I am not in limbo anymore. Larry is already gone and he says he still isn't sure if he can give me 100% if he comes back and he doesn't want to try. That just confuses me cause why is he trying to see if he wants me back after all that I have gone through I know he is thinking of our past but I am thinking of the past 5 months.

I am so sorry to everyone that will disown me cause of me doing the divorce I just didn't want to hurt anymore and I need to start my new life with the kids and I have to get financially stable right now cause I am stressing big time about money and I could have done legal seperation which was my option to him but than I would just have to wait on him to do the divorce and I just can't anymore. I honestly do not think he will do the divorce even though he started this he can't finish it. So why not make me who is already hurting about everything being cheated on, being hurt, being left alone, being not worth saving and living with, now being told I have to be a single mom, having to deal with my new debt and stresses about money to make sure I do it right for the kids, and so much more that be the one that does the divorce. Just add it to my sins and yes I think it is wrong and against my religion but hopefully God will forgive me. Divorcing is evil and I will always think it is. I have/had no choice this is Larry's decision he could have stopped me before I walked in the lawyer's door. I told him when I was going and no call and no email to stop me before I went in. I even called and begged him to not make me do this and he didn't even pick up or call me back. I have tried and tried and tried to save my marriage honestly I have even to the last second of walking to the lawyer. I am doing this divorce for Larry. To make him happy since that is what this whole drama has been about is finding happiness. Larry wants it so he gets it so he can be happy it doesn't matter anymore what I want and he gets the relief of not filing the papers.

So now I have to do this divorce with the kids around me and it is very overwhelming but even though I am doing it for Larry I am doing it for the kids and me to make sure we will be ok since Larry doesn't want to be with me anymore I got to make sure I do this right for them. He isn't going to take care of us 24/7 so I got to make sure that I can. If you still like me please pray for me during this time I really don't want to do this but I have no choice for my health and well being I had to do it. I wanted to be worth saving and being with and I am not and I just don't want to be with a person that will not want me in his life and wait on him to see if he can let me back in or not. The past is the past and I am still dealing with all the new info I got less than a month ago. I am sorry and that is the truth of it all.