I know 3 posts in one day but it has been so emotional for me this weekend with Larry's birthday, divorce paperwork crap I have to do, and mother's day tomorrow, Larry coming home next week, and that is just a few things I got on my plate that my mind, spirit, and heart is just in a flutter. Kids are asleep and I have Pandora on with my music on Keith Urban probably a bad choice cause it is all about love songs. I was thinking to myself as the kids and animals are asleep I wonder if...Larry even thinks of me? I wonder if Larry flew over to the other side of Canada to be with the girl he has feelings for this weekend on his one day off? I wonder if he calls her everyday? I wonder if he even thinks any of the stuff he has done hurts me? I wonder if he even thinks of me at all? I wonder what would have happened if he even gave me one day to change cause from the new information I figured out I don't think I even had an option from day one. I wonder if he thinks he made a mistake? I wonder if he even likes the new me since yes I did change and yes I did listen he just had to hit me hard enough to make it hurt. He says he doesn't know who I am and I wonder if he is even impressed with it? I wonder if he will ever be happy knowing he will not be with his kids 24/7 like he thought when they were born? I wonder if he even regrets what he did? I wonder if he is truly happy with the girl and if they are still together? I wonder if she even knows who he is and that yes he has a wife and two kids? I wonder if she is ok with that? I wonder if Larry will move to Canada to be with her? I wonder if he will ever think we could ever work again? I wonder if he even thought how much this all would hurt me and affect me? I wonder if he even knew how much responsibility I would have to take over because of what he did and what he needed to get to achieve happiness? Does he not realize that I have to take care of all of the mess and make it all better with the kids, animals, house, and let him have his new life since he couldn't do the divorce? This is all things I think about all the time. I know I shouldn't but it is all still fresh and I have no clue what he is doing and if he is happy or sad. All I know is that I am taking care of everything and everybody here while he works in Canada for us and I am very thankful for that but I have nothing other than that. I don't even get told when he comes home I just have to count out the days on the calendar and figure it out on my own. I am just the mother of his kids and I am trying my best to get out of his life so he can continue with his new one since this is what he wanted. Frustrating and maddening but I don't think he really thought about me when this all happened and how it would affect me it was all about making himself feel happy and not giving me a real chance to change. So I wonder what he thinks now? What if he did give me a chance in the end to change? What if he didn't get close to this girl? What if our family could have been saved? What if he realized that the new me was worth saving for? Not going to happen I know but sometimes I wonder. What if?
The other night we went to Red Robin for Wayne's birthday and I saw a hockey game on the TV. I was already sad cause of all the families around with their 2 kids and parents having fun that I just glanced at the TV and thought. What if I met a hockey player guy in 2 years who was the nicest gentleman in the world and he treated me the way I want to feel right now made me feel beautiful and loved and what if he loves my kids and what if I was happy with him? I love hockey and I would love Hunter to love playing it and learn to play but wouldn't it just be so cool to find a hockey player who wasn't a player type guy that loved me and my kids and we were all happy? And also kicked Canada teams butts! It was a nice dream as I was watching the game for a few minutes but it put a smile to my face cause maybe that is why Larry is doing all this to let me find true happiness since he thought I wasn't happy. A girl can dream when she is feeling sad right? So I wonder...
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