Sad

I am very sad that Trader Joe's does not have alphabet pasta! This is the third time I have went and it is not there! Argh! Oh well I still didn' ask a sales person if it was gone forever. And the reason is because of my shopping buddy who is right beside me with his little cart! I would have to say the last trip to Trader Joe's, which was this weekend, he was so excited to go and get a cart and there wasn't any and I noticed lots of kids there so I told him we had to wait. So we went through the meat and cheese and than the bread and veggies and he was very patient then we rounded the corner after the bread and there was a cart and he was so excited he asked if he could get it and I said yes and he ran to it got it and came back to my cart and wanted me to put something in it! The Trader Joe's people were very nice a young girl came up to us at the end and asked if they could have a balloon and I said yes and by the time we got to the register she hadn't found us and we were almost out the door and she remembered us and gave both kids balloons! Grace was in heaven. Both balloons and kids had a ball in the car. Misha wasn't too excited in the back seat she isn't a fan of balloons being put in her face. Hope alphabet pasta comes back to Trader Joe's soon!

Thursday's

My day off is Thursday's. But I only have two more Thursday's off and than I am back to full time weeks M-F. I asked DeOna a few weeks ago if I could cause in my head I couldn't see me being a single mom of two working 32 hours a week and making it by also I was going crazy with being alone on the weekends and then on Thursday with my kids that I needed to keep myself busy. Her and Dr. D said yes so I have two more dentist appts to deal with more cavities and than I will start. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I honestly will miss my time with the kids on that day and trying to sleep in with them and doing laundry all day but I don't know what my future holds so I got to start somewhere.

Today I had two cavities worked on and I am losing my numbness and it isn't bad again so maybe this cavity stuff will pan out for me. Will see. My ear is numb still again but hopefully that will last a day and I can hear blood pressures tomorrow.

I had my physical today and found out that I have lost a total of 20 pounds since this began. Which suprised me I thought I was doing good and I didn't think I had lost 5 more since the last time I went on the scale at Davies. Not sure if the electrical one was right but I check tomorrow at work. I really don't want to be losing this much weight and I honestly not trying but this all isn't fun for me in my head, body, and mind and then put the kids on top of it, then working, then cleaning the house, taking care of Misha, and going throughout my day wondering what Larry will decide. I have been eating better I am up to a total of 10 Cadbury eggs this season! That is pretty good!

I am still not liking the no communication with Larry. It is tough for me I just want to see if he is doing ok and just hear his voice. Sappy I know and I don't even know if I am even a thought in his head. It is all about the kids from what I can tell and hear.

Grace loves apples! She can say apple. She has to have the peel on it. Did I tell you all she is growing a molar? Crazy girl! My kids are taking showers now. I haven't been able to get Hunter in a bath for awhile so next best thing was the shower. Grace sits in the back and gets all wet and Hunter stands up and cleans himself. Pretty cute.

Misha went to the dentist with me today. She wasn't thrilled but my mom told the kids they were going for a walk so Misha thought she was included so I didn't want to leave her out so she got to go in a car ride with me. I took the kids for a walk after nap and we went to the baseball field and I let Misha loose and she actually listened and stayed close to us and ran around us but didn't go to far. Thank goodness. The kids found a mud puddle on the baseball field and got their tennis shoes soaked. We came back home and went in the back yard and played in the sandbox and Misha layed in the very long green grass. It was a nice evening.

The kids like to lay on my bed that we lowered to the floor. Hunter gets in my covers and plays on my phone or his leapster and Grace reads books or plays with her house. I play on my phone or read my books and we just hang out with each other, or tickle each other or wrestle. Fun!

Naked. My iphone is naked now. I had a really cute pink case for it but when we went to the beach last it got alot of sand in it and it is really old and scuffed so I took off the case and my iphone is caseless and I kinda like it. DeOna doesn't have a case on hers and it is so smooth to the touch so I am trying not to be cool like her but I think I am going to give it a try and save some bucks and not get a new case!

Numb

The whole right side of my face and to my ear is numb. Got 2 more cavities fixed today and they had to numb me up twice. Lovely. I am thinking this isn't going to be as easy as last thursday was with the 3 done up top. Wish me luck. Got another appointment this afternoon and I hope that I am not this numb cause I gotta talk. Hope the kiddos go down well for their nap so I better get to that.

Country

I have loved country music for a few years and for some reason I like it even more, not sure why. My new favorite song is Keep You by Sugarland. Some of the words are what I have been saying. Not all the words are about me but alot of them are.

Best multivitamin ever!

I have been meaning to post this info for awhile. I have never been good at taking a MVI (mulit-vitamin) until now! Amanda at work introduced me to the best MVI ever! Thanks Amanda! They are from Costco and they are Gummy Vitamins for adults called MultiVites. They are right next to the kids gummy vitamins! No more huge horse pill of a MVI to take. All you do is chewy two of these in the morning everyday and you are set! How cool is that! I have been taking my MVI's for almost a month or two and I am getting so much better at taking them since I don't have to choke on a horse pill! Also, it seems like every Costco coupon book has a coupon for these vitamins so you pretty much save all the time! So the next time your in Costco and you don't want to swallow a horse pill get yummy chewy gummy vitamins for adults and chew your vitamins everyday! If you do let me know what you think!
I also get Costco's Vitamin D pills cause I gotta take 2 of them everyday and that probably isn't enough but at least I am getting them and thank goodness they are very tiny gel pills. I also have started to try to swallow Fish Oil pills these are huge they are the size of a regular MVI pill and I am not a fan of them but I just started taking 2 of these 3 days ago and it is to help with being sad and it is good to help with cholesterol, which I have no problem and it seems to help with your digestive track! So I am on my way to being healthy with my chewy MVI, Vitamin D, and my nasty (horse pill) Fish oil! I should have lots of energy now to keep up with my kids! Who also get chewy MVI's at Costco and Grace had her first one tonight. I haven't been giving Hunter his MVI's or Fluoride because it made his belly upset with watery BM's and made him wake up in the middle of the night so I am hoping now that they are both older it will be better. I actually haven't done either one with Grace but she has the same issues so far that her brother had when he was little so I am pretty sure they have the same kind of stomach sensitivities. So will see how the week goes with them with their MVI's. I will start their Fluoride up again this weekend.

Air Muesum pictures

My camera photo card isn't working in our computer not sure if it is the computer or the card. Bummer. Here are some pictures my mom downloaded for me from one of the family trips we took to the Air Museum.
Aren't they just to cute! They loved the kid section of the museum I took a cute video of Grace dancing on Monday night but I can't download it :( maybe tomorrow I will figure out my camera problem.

Made a Costco trip tonight. I love Costco I wish I could spend more money there but that is ok. I always take Misha with us cause she likes to go where we go. The bummer part is I don't have room for her and diapers and cat litter but we make do and I pile it around her she probably loves it.

Missed both hail storms this afternoon/evening! Came home after work missed the hail came home after Costco missed the hail again it must have hailed alot cause it looked like snow on the road and I was the first car to go up our hill on it.

Started reading my next book. Signed up for my beginner photography class. Figured out my budget. Have a call into the realtor. Called all my friends who have left messages. Getting things checked off my list. Just got to be better at potty training dude and keep up with the laundry. More dental surgery tomorrow on 2 more cavities but at least I know what is going to happen. Hopefully my ear isn't numb again for 2 days. Grace can climb onto the kitchen chairs and loves to sit on them and then climb up on the table. She thinks she is the funniest thing sitting in the middle of it. Hunter is getting better with his sentences and getting better with his manners just depends on the day. He is making facial expressions when he talks and when he is thinking of what to say. Pretty funny. He is getting more emotional when he is very sad about something he gets sad very quick and it is heart breaking cause you know he is hurting. So now I can tell the fake and real cries from this new heart breaking cry. Misha is finally recovered from her playdate with 3 dogs on Saturday.

I started putting lotion on Hunter's feet at night while he was watching his Little Einstein about 2 weeks ago and been doing it almost everynight since. Two of his toes on the tips were cracking and he kept picking at them so I put lotion on his feet and he loved it. I was putting on some not great smelling lotion that I got at Trader Joe's and I am not a great fan of the smell and I would have to wash my hands cause it was on mine. Well one evening when Larry was here to hang out with the kids and Hunter was almost going to bed he asked me to put lotion on his feet so I did and I told Larry I wanted to put my girly smelling lotion on him but I didn't think he would like that and Larry said he didn't care. So tonight I put on my girly stuff on his feet! He has beautiful Victoria Secret Pear lotion on his feet and toe toes! He smells so good and so does my hands! Not sure if Larry will like it but we smell good here and the house smells good! :)

Fish tank

I have officially attempted to clean our fish tank. All I have ever done for the fishes we have had for years is feed them pretty much everynight. I have never once cleaned it that has been Larry's job. Will I had to clean it tonight. I didn't do it the way Larry does he empties it halfway and cleans the sides of the tank and does a great job pruning the plants and than fills it up again. Not gonna happen that way. I don't trust the fish not to get sucked up in the tube especially when I have two eager beavers to help me. Yes, I know I should do it when they are asleep but that wouldn't be until this weekend and it needed TLC now. So I did the lazy woman's way of cleaning and used a rag to clean the algae off the front of the tank. Mind you it isn't perfect at all but I had eager beavers wanting to help and my arms where way to deep in water that I didn't want a slimy fish to graze my fingers even if I am the giver of food. It doesn't look the greatest but it looks better. Got to attempt it again tomorrow or the next day. But at least I can officially say I cleaned the fish tank!

Eat, Pray, Love

I finished reading this book tonight. It took me almost a month to read it. It was ok it wasn't my favorite book ever to read. I think it was because it started off with the writer divorcing her husband and seeing her side of it all. And I had started reading it right around the time of divorce talk in my world. Would I recommend the book, not sure if you love fiction and a good romance this isn't the book for you. My next book to read is Anxious to Please. I have read the first chapter and it already made me cry cause it is dead right about me and so I gotta suck it up and read the whole thing and find out the 7 revolutionary practices for the chronically nice. Lovely.

Tired.

Last night Hunter didn't fall asleep until 10:45pm. Tonight he didn't fall asleep until 10:15pm. This mama is a tired mama. Maybe nap time for dude is done? I don't know but I know that I need down time for me and it doesn't happen when he goes to bed that late and when I want to go to bed at 10:00pm. :(

larry

I got to step back and put myself in Larry's shoes. He doesn't want to go to Canada anymore. He knows he has to for months and months. He misses his kids like crazy. It is tearing it up inside that he will not get to see his kids grow up for more months now and will not get to hang out with them. He gets to work up in Canada and sleep in a hotel for 3 more weeks and he just wants to be done. Then you put in he doesn't know what to do with his marriage. He finally got to the point where he had to do something and to him this was the only way cause I wasn't listening the other ways, and I honestly wasn't. He has to decide if he wants out so he can find happiness with someone else that he deserves but than he will not be with his kids. He can decide to get back in his marriage and if it doesn't work and goes back to what it was he will never do this again because it was hard the first time. If I was Larry this would not be an easy decision our marriage wasn't the greatest I get that now and I am too scared to death that it will not work because of all that has been said and how our last 7 years have turned out. But not all of it was bad. I really would not like to be in Larry's shoes. He has to be battling some tough thoughts and emotions. Why am I blogging about him? I got what I wanted yesterday I got a text from him last night but he was sad and it was all about the kids. I felt great he texted but than I had to see what he is really going through. Couldn't sleep much just thinking of Larry and what he is going through. Woke up and still was. Basically, yes the kids and I need prayer but Larry needs it the most he is the one suffering the most and maybe a little prayer in his direction will help him.

30 days of blogging!

Yesterday I wasn't going to blog. Why? Why do I need to write down the sorrow's of my life and the coolness of my kids? Then it hit me today, I need to for me, to fill a void, to get it out, to document what goes on in my life and the kiddos. So sorry everyone you get 30 days of blogging! Bloggers have done it in the past during a certain month but why do I have to wait till that month and I have no clue when it is. Larry leaves tomorrow gone for 3 weeks and than returns for who knows how long. I will blog everyday for a month for me and to help me through this. For me! You can read or not read it is up to you. Are you ready? I have blogged 3 post today so I think I meet my quota but I wanted to just blog some things about what I am thinking in my head so here goes...

I love my kids and husband (the latter better figure it out soon).
I have to sell my house and hope to find someone who loves it soon.
I love my family and friends.
Teather, is my best friend and my rock. She gets it and knows when to be there for me and than shows me Larry's side and gets excited for me and gets sad with me.
Davies Clinic is a blessing to be back. God must have done this for a reason. They are my family when I have to work they listen and the support and they give advise and make me realize my wrongs.
I want to take photography classes! A family friend said to something for you and this is what I want to do. I want to take better pictures of my kids and the world around me. Got to look for classes and time.
I love to blog! It fills a void and gets me to put pictures up!
My kids love to play on the bed and get a kick out of it!
Grace is already growing back teeth and she has the funkiest teeth ever but I love her anyways.
Hunter runs to the bathroom when he has to go pee but hasn't officially been potty trained maybe next weekend.

Gotta jet the kids are screaming. Get ready for 30 days of blogs! :-)

added...
I think that Grace will turn out the most stubborn of us all. I have been through all these months with this girl getting a new tooth each month!
Hunter loves to cook and loves his kitchen.
Hunter knows he has to take care of his mama. Sad. And not sad.
Grace loves, loves baths and water. I have to stand back and just let her do her crazy stuff cause she is so dare devilish that I have to let it be and let her be herself even though I don't want to I have to so she can be herself.
I wish that Larry would have come by today since he is home and saw the kids and that I could see him one last time or have him text or email or call since he is home. It makes me think he doesn't care. And that I should realize that this is what he chose and take a hint.
Misha is sad not sure if it is because yesterday with 3 dogs wore her out or what.
I am sleeping in our room again with the nosiest kid of all, Grace. Haven't got any sleep yet and I have done it for 2 nights. The animals are still getting used to it too.
Hunter loves the computer and loves watching cats and Grace loves to sit with him on Larry's desk chair with him and watch cats she says cats, cats, cats.
I can't believe how much Grace can talk and what she says is crazy. I think that she talks so much to give me two voices to hear when it is just me and the kiddos. Love kid talk but would love adult talk better.
Wishes I didn't tell Larry that I wouldn't text him, call him or email him. It is the worst.
Hopes Larry doesn't get used to the single life to much and enjoys it to much while I am taking care of everything and everyone here.
Hope Larry realizes what he has at home.
Loves having all the animals sleep by me at night cause then I am not alone in my bed.
Wishes I could sleep in past 6 am and not get woke up by a kiddo and sleep the whole night through.
Wishes I could go on a vacation either by myself or with Larry and just sleep in and wake up by just waking up.
Wishes I could have a maid, and a chef, and a personal shopper it would make this easier :)

Taking a vote!

Who is the more stubborn Robinson? Larry or Alison? :-)

Jeep

I was trying to take a nap with the kids but I haven't been able to in months. My head will not stop thinking so I thought I would blog some more. I told myself that I wasn't going to blog anymore cause I need to just stop thinking about it all but then I am just back to where I was before. Burying my thoughts and feelings. This is another thing I have changed about me trying not to bury, bury, bury and let it out, out, out. So back to the jeep. I have not ridden in Larry's jeep in years. Not sure why just haven't. I thought it would die many years ago and hasn't. Hunter has taken my spot in the jeep he has the front seat and has since we got him a booster seat. Hunter loves the jeep. Still not sure why I never went in the back seat with the boys. I think cause it is so loud and jerky but I honestly don't know. Yesterday, I rode in the jeep! I rode in the back seat with Grace and we went to the airplane museum. It was fun, but note to self it is not worth paying $20 a person to have the kids look at planes when you don't have time to read or look at the planes cause the kids don't want to do what you want them to do. Save your money and just take them to the playground in the middle of the buildings it is free! Back to the jeep. You know it was fun! I remember the old days when Larry and I were dating and he would take me all over in the jeep and we would drive to school back and forth in his jeep! Good times. Maybe he was thinking of those times when we were all in the jeep together. I took pictures yesterday but my camera reader either doesn't work or I need a new card. Hunter took his first fairground roller coaster ride! It was a airplane ride that went up and down. He was leary at first and was all about taking the seat belt on and off so we had to take him off of the airplane and have him watch another boy ride first. Grace and Hunter were all eyes! After watching Hunter did go on and he picked the green airplane and got himself up high and stayed there. He was more fascinated with the lights on the ride but you could tell he liked it but was a little leary like his mama. Grace was definetly bummed and watched him the whole time. She didn't meet height requirement maybe next year. She is our daredevil. She is like Larry alot and Hunter is like me alot.

FYI, people ask me if Larry reads my blog and I tell them I honestly do not think he does. He didn't in the past and I do not think he does now. If he did than he would know what I am feeling and going through but I don't think he wants to know because that could affect his decision.

Don't know what to blog...

this week has been another bad week. No resolution in my life. Feeling overwhelmed again especially this morning and Larry hasn't even left for Canada yet. He leaves tomorrow for 3 more weeks. This could go on for 4-5 months or longer. I don't want to do this anymore. I tried to show Larry that I am fighting for him and I don't get hope or no hope in return. I get he needs more time. That should mean hope to me but honestly I don't know what it means. To me it is saying I am not worth trying to fight for I am not worth trying to get out. I wanted to make this few weeks easier for me and him with some resolution and I am back to no communication with him because I discuss what is happening and push him too much. I make us go in circles about what is happening. I am a girl I am emotional but I guess from what I have been told guys aren't emotional and it makes it worse. Our problem was communication and I am doing it and he isn't and I fear that he will think that since we didn't communicate well now it isn't going to work and I am only doing what he wanted. I still have issues with the girl and we don't talk much about that. This is one huge area that will take time to forgive and forget if this works. The positives of this week was I got to hang out with my family of four for 3 seperate occasions. I loved it and I wanted to show what I really wanted to say and feel to Larry but I knew I couldn't. I am soaking up those memories cause I don't know if the next time Larry comes home what will happen. I got to show Larry that I am stronger but I also showed him I am still weak but I was only trying to show him I got why we are where we are and I was excited to show him I changed and we can do this and it can be so much fun. I got that just cause I showed him 4 days of a different me doesn't justify the last 7 years. I am not sure if I will be forgiven of the last 7 years and my joy of showing him I get it was destroyed a little bit. But at least he is thinking of what I have told him. Not sure how much time he will take with all this. I try to stay positive my friends say to give him time and I do but what about me? I have tried so much and now I have to stop and try not to fall out of love with my husband cause all my efforts have not moved him in one direction or another. I don't feel worthy of saving I am just being honest. I am doubting if I can even love him if I keep getting told more time it messes with my head and heart. I am scared to death that all our issues might not get fixed if we do get back together but I am willing to try, read, to anything. It hurts me that he still walks out of our door at the end of the night and I am not ok with that but I have to deal with it. I have done it for 3 months now what is another few days, weeks, months? I have done everything I can to make his time in Canada easier I gave him pics of the kids, I told him how to possibly make Hunter talk to him when he calls (not sure if he did this), I have bent over backwards to show him I care. But is it worth it? Does he get it or see it? Is he already done and just can't tell me cause I keep giving? This is what I deal with everyday. Yes, I have given him to God but my head and heart still think about him all the time. I just hope that maybe just maybe I get a sign of hope or no hope from him either while he is in Canada or when he gets home so I don't have to do this anymore. I just want closure if I am going to be in his life or not. I can't keep fighting for him because time might not be my friend I might fall out of love cause I am not getting any in return. Maybe this is what he wants? He keeps saying that I need to do what I want and I have been! I have been trying to save us, trying to love him, trying to change myself for me and the stuff I want gets nowhere! Is this a sign I don't know? I have taken care of our kids for 5 months now by myself for 3 weeks at a time and 1 week with Larry here and 2 of those months he lived her 3 months he didn't. I know that I can do this next 5 months or whatever it will be. We made it this far we can do the next months. I just pray that someday I will get the true answer from Larry. I still love him and I think our marriage can work. I just want to feel beautiful and loved and I think I have done an excellent job of trying but I am tired, burnt out, and physically, emotionally, mentally drained of this all. So please continue to pray for me and my family I can't try anymore. I leave it to God and Larry cause I have to step back and let Larry have his space and time and that my friends is not easy nor is it fun.

6 times!

Hunter bear went potty 4 times at daycare and 2 times at home! He ran into the bathroom both times at home without me asking and the first time he said he had to go potty and I said go for it the second time I was talking on the phone and he stopped what he was doing an ran to the bathroom! We are making progress! My Hunter bear went 6 times in the potty and almost stayed dry the whole day! So proud of my buddy!