Hunter's Birthday Party!

This year I didn't make or send out invites for Hunter's Birthday party and I wish I had but I just wasn't in it. I had no theme either. Next year I will be better with his birthday I promise! But we had a good time with family. His birthday party was last night at the Robinson's home and I think he had a good time! My friend, Jo, gave me an idea for what to do with his cake. She said just put frosting on it and go to the dollar store and get stuff for him to put on it so that is what we did. Hunter's Auntie Lindsey made his cake and decorated it and this is what it looked like before Hunter got to decorate it. You can see his hand he just wanted to touch the frosting so bad!

And this is what it looked like after Hunter decorated his cake! I got sea toys that I knew he would love cause he knows them all by name. He was pretty funny with them he would push them into the cake and we had to save the cake and the sea creatures from being imbedded in the cake. This was all done by him. He put his Number 3 in and his 3 candles. He seemed to like putting it together.

My big boy and his cake!This is him and his Auntie Lindsey lighting the candles he was super excited!

He had a great time and we had spaghetti dinner that his Ma made and then after cake it was on to presents! He got some great presents! Clothes, cars, camera key change, money, gift cards, and a kitchen! He loves his kitchen!

He got this from his grandparents and I knew he would love a kitchen because he played forever on my girlfriends little girls one.

Nate was all about the kitchen too! I think he needs one now!

Hunter did not go to sleep in his bed until about 10pm he was so excited about his kitchen and we didn't get home till almost 9 so I just let him play cause he was so happy and overjoyed about the kitchen. He even went to bed with one of his pots and lids cause he wanted to so why not?

I can't believe my Hunter Bear is 3! He has grown leaps and bounds! I took only one video of him at his party so I will try to upload it tonight on my blog. Super cute! He is so shy looking in it when we are all singing Happy Birthday to him.

Prayer, church, and God

I have to be honest and tell you all that I haven't been great in any of these areas in a long time years even.

Prayer~I know that I have been asking for prayer through all this but I just better be up front about where I am at so no one thinks I am fake. I just started praying again when Larry asked for a seperation I hadn't been doing it in a long time. I did when I was pregnant with both kids and at their births but than I would forget and not do it again. Through many years of my marriage I didn't pray the only time I remember was when Larry would go into his surgeries and when Lonnie got diagnosed with cancer. I am getting better with prayer but I was praying so hard that God would bring back Larry to me and help me fix my marriage that when Larry told me on the phone he wanted a divorce I forgot to pray again for a few days and than I started praying for God to help me through all this. Now I am praying that I can make it and do what is right for me and the kids.

Church~I don't even remember the last time I went to church. I think it was when Hunter was little for Easter service. I hadn't been in church years before that. I blame it on laziness and not wanting to get up on Sunday and get going and take up the whole morning. Bad I know but I am being honest. I went to church so much when I was little until highschool. I had chapel at school and I had youth group during the week and church on Sunday. When I got out of Highschool I went to church and helped in Sunday school for a few years than I stopped. I was burnt out and realized not everyone was going to church. When we were married we did go to church for awhile than stopped cause we were in school and I got lazy. I still haven't put my foot in a church yet I am so gun shy right now because I thought I did everything right as a Christian and now I am going through one of the worst thing a Christian could do. I will make it back to church I am just not jumping into it yet. I can't really face all the people I did go to church with cause I am so embarrased this is happening and I know they know and that they are praying for me. And to go to church with my two kids without my wedding ring is so big for me I am not sure I can even do it. To me it is a failure because I was in my marriage for life and it looks so bad in my mind right now but I know that will hopefully change with time.

God~I don't even know how to start or say on this one. I love God and I forgot about him for so many years in my marriage and I think that might be one of the reasons He is doing this. I tried so hard to be a good Christian girl I didn't have sex before marriage, I didn't drink until I was 21, I didn't swear, I followed the rules at my Christian school, and I didn't look at other men in my marriage. So I am not sure why this is happening. But for some reason it is and I just have to put my faith and trust back into Him and hope that some good will come out of all of this. That is hard to do right now but I know I can't do this without Him now cause I am alone and have to take care of my kids and pray to God that he helps direct me the correct way this time.

I do appreciate all your prayers and I just wanted to let you know where I am honestly at in my life spiritually. I gotta start from ground zero again but at the moment I am gun shy because of my past and I have to just let that go and move on and move on with all the change in my life.

Happier post to follow...Hunter's birthday party is tonight!

Color!

Grace saw me writing out my Costco list with my favorite sharpie pens and she kept saying color, color, color. Than she said mama I color! So here are my kids coloring this am. Whatever Hunter does Grace has to it is just the way it is in our house ;-) Do you know who is going to be in charge when they are older???? Grace!

Can I tell you...

that I love, love, love those two kiddos on the front of my blog to pieces! They are my life, they are the reason I can go on, they are the reason I wake up really early in the morning, they are the reason I go to work to help provide for us, they are the reason I go through my day and know that I can put them to bed at night and check on them to make sure they are ok before I go to sleep, they are the reason I clean laundry, try to feed them good food, they help me get outside and get fresh air cause they need it, they are here to make me smile and laugh when I really don't want to. They are the reason I know that somewhere down the line I might make the right decision for us all and that we might actually all be happy. I truly, honestly, amazingly love my kids so much that I am so glad that God gave me them to kiss, hug, tickle, blow raspberries on, smile, laugh, cry, yell, and be there for them and when I am down I can just go to them and they will make it all better. I love, love, love my Hunter and Grace to pieces and that will never change in my life!

Grace said...

"I want my passie" over and over today until I found it. When did she become such a big girl to say sentences?

No hope

I thought about my what if's on the way home today and I cried about the one where if Larry came back and I already knew the answer. I am pretty positive there is no hope of that happening. I wish there was but from all that he has told me and emailed me in one letter that there isn't. My last ditch effort to save us happened the day before I called the girl and left her a message. Larry emailed me after I left him a voice message asking him if there was hope or something along those lines. There were some hurtful things he said in the email and alot of truthful things but I read it again tonight and I just know there is no hope for saving my marriage. Larry has already moved on in his life and he wrote this letter before I found that out about his feelings for the girl and it just adds to the hurtful things that were written and said. He wrote that things were already going south after our pre-marriage counseling before we were married and I didn't even know. I guess I never had a chance and he said our marriage isn't a marriage to fix with counseling now because it was never really a marriage and it can't be fixed. This also is a nice blow to me. So just those two things it shows you all that there is no hope and I have to move on. I feel like in Larry's eyes I am just dirt and why live with dirt when you can have beautiful rocks. I think that to him I am only the mother of his kids and that is all he cares about is his kids. That hurts knowing that I am being pushed to the side and all that matters to him is finding happiness and knowing that his kids aren't living a lie anymore. So I am pretty sure I figured out one of my what if's and now I just have to power through and hope for happiness for me and my kids. Sorry to be such a downer it is just I wanted to clarify what I realized today that Larry has made it possible that there is no hope in saving this marriage.

What if's?

I am having the bad case of what if's lately. My counselor said not to dwell on the what if's but the here and now but it is hard to do when your life could go so many ways.

Wanna know some of my what if's?....what if the girl that Larry has feelings for really took to heart that I was really sincere in the voice message I left on her phone and she realized that she should stop doing whatever with Larry? what if Larry falls head over heels with this girl and moves to Canada? what if it doesn't work out for them? what if it does? what if Larry realizes what he has done was a mistake and wants to come back to me and the kids? what if Larry realizes that he isn't going to see his kids 24/7 and wants to make it work so he can? what if Larry has moved on and just wants to get on with his new life and doesn't care that he has made me a single parent mom? what if he does care that he did? what if I can't sell the house and the kids and I have to stay in it for years? what if we do will we be ok in an apartment with all the animals? what if I have to live on our couch for months to come? what if I get my own room with my own bed and the kids get their own rooms? what if Larry does want to come back and I don't let him? what if Larry does want me back and I do? what if we both go our seperate ways and find new people and we are all happy? what if we both go our seperate ways and do not find new people?

These are just a few what if's. Sorry to be so personal but this is what I think about when I am by myself at night, or in the car, or at work, or just randomly doing new things by myself with the kids and I just wish that Larry could be there to be a part of it like he was before. This isn't easy for me but I am just doing what Larry wants and with him in Canada doing whatever and having no communication it makes me wonder what if. So I gotta train my brain to just take life one day at a time.

At this point I don't even know what I want in life. I do know what my dream would be but I don't think that is going to happen and I can't even tell you what it is cause it changes everyday. I am getting stronger but I also have weaknesses and one of them is thinking of what if's. Maybe some day I will get want I want out of all this and that is just to be happy, loved and not lied to anymore.

My Hunter turns 3!

My buddy, my firstborn, my child who makes me smile turned 3 today! How quickly time does fly by! It didn't matter that he woke me up at 2 am wanting warm milk and than at 3:30am wanting his covers on and than at 6:30am wanting the living room lights off all that mattered was that my Hunter Bear turned 3 today and what could I do to make it special for him! I bought the cookies in the picture I posted last night and put the 3's on them after he feel asleep and I took them to daycare to give after nap time or whenever for the kids to eat. I tried to excite him this am that it was his bday but you can imagine that he was cranky from being up so much and wasn't a happy clown like I was. I dropped him off at daycare and went to work and a co-worker helped me with plan B of what to do in the evening for him since it was too cold to go to this park she suggested. We came home had a quick bite to eat and headed to Safari Sam's in Sherwood! Never been there before but my friend at work said it would be perfect for both kids and it was indoors so we drove there with the intention to PLAY! And play we did! Hunter was in Heaven it was a big indoor play structure to climb all over and Grace loved it too! She was a little to small to climb the ropes and I was afraid she would fall through but she crawled the whole thing like no other and kept yelling for Hunter cause I was cause he was way ahead of us the whole time! He loved, loved, loved it! He climbed, crawled, went down the scary slide that Grace and I had to go down together to find where he went. I wasn't thrilled with the slide but had to do it. We stayed about 45 minutes and I was done I was sweating like no other trying to keep up with the two and carrying Grace over things that she couldn't make over but she tried her hardest cause if Hunter does it she is right behind him. Than we came home and Grace crashed and Hunter had one of his favorite things...ice cream! I am letting him stay up late tonight to watch a Little Einstein and play on my phone some more of his favorite things. I hope he had a great bday I tried to make it fun for him and I am bummed that it is almost over with. Totally going to have both kids bday parties at this place next year! They both had fun and you can eat at the places and inside the structure! Happy Birthday Hunter Thomas I still can't believe you are 3! And I love you so, so, so much! Your the best little buddy a mom can hope for!

Guess what happens tomorrow?!

We have a big birthday in the house! :-)

Daffodils!

I think Daffodils are my new favorite flower! I used to love tulips but now with my life changing so much for some reason Daffodils are calling my name. Maybe cause they only come in yellow and that is my favorite color? I don't even have one Daffodil growing around my house and I had to go get mini ones today at RiteAid cause Fred Meyers didn't have any. Who would have known? I know I should just take them off the side of the road but I still think it is stealing. Hunter and I put rocks from around our house in vase and put my mini Daffodils that I bought and they look beautiful in my kitchen and make my house a little more cheerful! I have taken down so much stuff off the walls that I needed something cheery and bright. I have/am turning this house into a home for me and the kids since Larry hasn't lived here since before Christmas and probably never will. In order for me to move on I had to do this for me and the kids. I still don't have divorce papers and I have no clue when I will but I know that Larry has moved on and I can't until I get out of this house and am officially divorced cause in my mind, heart, and spirit I can't for me and my kids. Please pray that I can sell this house and I will be talking to a Realtor soon she is on vacation right now and Larry has left the house up to me since he is in Canada and I choose not to live here. Nice. But I am not going to say anymore about that. So back to Daffodils... aren't they just the sunniest flower ever? Who would have known that I would love Daffodils? Never did before and for some reason I just want to put them all over my house! I know I sound crazy but when your world is changing you just gotta go with what makes you happy. Daffodils make me happy!

Beach trip with the kiddos and Misha!

We woke up way to early today about 5:45am for Grace and 6:15am for Hunter and Grace was cranky and clingy and Hunter was unhappy and everything was dramatic. I had already planned to go to the beach with the kids anyways this was just the icing on the cake to put them in a car and drive away and hope they weren't cranky the whole way there. It took me about 2 hours to get everything ready and packed and by the time we got gas and me some coffee we hit the highway about 8:55am and Grace fell asleep in the car at 9:01am just like I thought she would. She is growing 4 big teeth two on the bottom and two on the top and I think that is why she is extra cranky and keeps waking up so dang early! So I was stalling in town to get on the road for her to fall asleep. Misha was in the back and Hunter had his Leapster 2 and we were off! I didn't tell family or friends that I was going I was giving everyone a break from us and the only ones that knew were some girls at work just in case the Cascadia fault shifted and an earthquake happened and the coast got flooded then they would tell my family. Crazy I know but I had it all planned out just in case cause you never know now with the earthquake in Haiti the Pacific Northwest has a 50% chance of getting an earthquake and the fault that would do it is 50 miles from the ocean. I learned all about this fault from Larry and I just learned about how much more mad it can get since Haiti shifted the globe it can make this fault unhappy anytime. Just a side note...Larry wanted to name Grace...Cascadia so I will never forget this fault let me tell you cause I fought hard on that name. Back to the beach. I probably have driven to the beach maybe one time in my life by myself so to take all of us there was a little sketchy for me but if it was to kill time than more power to me. We made it there but both kids were not happy about the sun being in their eyes Grace was beside herself after sleeping only 30 minutes and so mad at the sun in her eyes by the time we made it to the outlet mall she had wet spots on her coat. We went straight to the Gap Outlet and bought us all Gap hats and than went to the beach!

It was very exhausting for me because of Misha and the stroller. Misha was so excited and every dog she thought was out to kill the kids so she would bark and try to take us all out to get to them. Finally she calmed down but she still was alot of work the whole time. Note to self leave her at home. The kids had a great time Hunter wanted to go in the water but we didn't because I had the stroller with Grace in it, Misha, a bag of stuff, and than Hunter. So him, Misha and I went to the water once while Grace sat in her stroller and watched and she seemed so far away. We ate lunch on the sand and Hunter was to excited to eat and Misha was all about Grace's food. It was very hard for me to get the stroller with Grace in it out to the hard sand with Hunter and Misha tugging like a mad dog on the leash that a kind lady helped me push the stroller to the hard sand after seeing me struggling along. After lunch we went to the river part that has fast moving rapids and I let Hunter in to just a little part of it and he had fun. Grace was all upset in the stroller so I let her out and I am still trying to hold Misha on the leash and watch Hunter to make sure he doesn't get pulled into the little rivers current and it was pretty fast. And a nice kind teenager kid told me to watch out cause the current was fast. Thanks dude, I already knew that but I was nice to him and let him think I didn't have a clue. I don't know why but this beach had alot of pug dogs and Misha is not into small dogs she goes crazy and all these pug dogs were at this little river and you can just imagine the mess and Grace wasn't happy with the little bit of water time I gave her she wanted to be where Hunter was and I didn't even want Hunter to be where he was so I had Grace crying in the stroller and dragging Misha by her throat and Hunter complaining about leaving and we had to make it back to the car. Again it wasn't easy when we got to the soft sand and I was almost there and two kind old men must have seen me from the parking lot came and asked what they could do to help and I was so frustrated and my back hurt that I told them to please carry the stroller with Grace in it and they did. Such nice people out there! It was a nice time at the beach we did relax for a little bit and we went to McDonalds and ate in the car and hit the road by 2pm and all was asleep in the car. When I am alone just me and my kids aren't talking is when I think of what is going on. I realized that this is how my life is going to be. I gotta figure out how to plan things and do things by myself and Larry doesn't want to be a part of this and that is one of the things that hurts the most. That Larry doesn't want to be with me and I and the kids are were we are at because he doesn't want to be with me. Wow. Doesn't make me feel really good about me. I gotta deal with this and realize it will get better but when I do things that I have done with Larry in the past and I can't do anymore is when it hits me the hardest and I just have to breathe all over again. It was a good day but it also made me think about why it is the way it is because of me. On to pictures!

Can I say that it was a perfect day to go to the beach! It was 64 degrees when we got there and so very sunny!

The kiddos with their new hats! I am sporting a new brown one with pink Gap letters.

My buddy he is so serious. Can you see Misha's leash?

Notice the nice slopper on the rock. I guess nice, dirty rocks help with teething?

Hunter asking to go to the water. Grace got soooo mad when I took that rock away from her! It had so much sand on it she was furious with me! Notice Misha this is how she was the WHOLE time! I gotta love her she had a great time and is so exhausted from the day. I just couldn't leave her at home. She is family and would have been so bummed.
Lounging with the kiddos and watching for dogs. Such a protector! Misha was probably still for 2 seconds and than was so excited and wanted to bark. Grace is still chewing on that rock and Hunter is watching a kite.

Sha!

When I took Misha out to go potty this morning Grace came out on the porch and kept saying Sha! I guess that is her new name for Misha. It makes sense since that is the last thing you hear when you say her name...Sha. Misha was getting into the dishwasher this evening and I told her Misha get out and Grace was in her highchair and she said Sha get out but not as clear as it sounds written out. She is my little dog discipliner. When I was on the computer this evening I kept hearing her say Sha, Sha, Sha and I looked in the living room and Misha is in the recycliner laying on it and Grace has her red leash and she is trying to put it on her to talk her for a walk. I tell you this girl is a smart little cookie. So Misha is Sha now. Cute, huh!?! :-)

Grace's first trip to the Beach!

I will be honest I didn't take Grace to the beach for her first time Larry did because he wanted some time with the kids. He took both kids a couple weeks ago and I stayed home and showered, took a nap, read a book and relaxed. When they came home and I saw these pictures that Larry took with his camera I realized what I had missed. I cried when he showed these pictures to me because it hit me that I missed Grace's first trip to the beach, I missed both my kids doing something together other than playing around the house or taking them to the mall this was something they did together and it made me so sad that I missed it. I missed their smiles, laughs, screams, and wide eyed wonder and this is what my life is going to be like I am going to miss out on some of their stuff and that makes me very sad. I don't like this part of divorce or seperation. It isn't fair to the person who doesn't want this to happen. I made sure that Larry gave me these pictures because I wanted them because of so many reasons. Enjoy them like I did.

Know what bites?

I haven't been able to take pictures lately. I mean to but I just forget to or I am busy with kids, animals, work, and housework that I haven't brought out my camera. Maybe it is because I can't get to the fact that I have to take them to show what is going on in our lives and I am still trying to understand it all and move on. You wanna know what bites right now? I took my wedding ring off 11 days ago and just that alone was painful, hurtful, dejecting, embarrasing, and humilating. Larry has had his off for months. What bites is that I keep rubbing my fingers on my right hand together for some reason and it is so weird not to have my ring there. It has been on my finger for almost 7.5 years. That bites and I am taking it personally and I know I shouldn't but I put that ring on to be in a relationship with a person for life and that relationship has been taken from me and has moved on and has feelings for another new relationship. And that is what hurts the most right now and that bites. Don't get me wrong I am getting better but it always comes back to that issue and I have to go through my day and wake up knowing that going to work knowing that hanging out with my kids knowing that and trying to go to sleep and knowing that. It bites. I just wish that Larry didn't go that far because I had gotten everything until this and I am just supposed to move on and deal. Well I will but for now it bites. Maybe I am feeling low cause Hunter will not listen to anything I say today and that bites. And Grace was grumpy at the store when I went after work and I was just embarrased that both kids weren't behaving and I didn't have my ring on and I just knew that the people in the line knew I was a single mother that couldn't control her kids and that bites. I know this will get better and I will have good days and bad days but sometimes I wish that I could just put my ring on and I know that I can't and that bites cause it really meant something to me and it has been taken away. Promise happy posts in the future.

Another song!

Isn't it weird how a song can just help you? Here is another song that I actually heard the words yesterday in my car during the chit chat of my kiddos. It is from the Lady Antebellum album. It is the last song on the album called One Day You Will.

Here is what the writer said about it...This song was a real departure for us as writers. We usually tend to write about relationships . It was nice to write a song that inspired and uplifted us, and hopefully it'll do the same for you...

...............

One Day You Will

Lyrics by Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards

Like you're slippin' through the cracks

Like no one would even notice

If you left this town and never came back

You walk outside and all you see is rain

You look inside and all you feel is pain

And you can't see it now

But down the road the sun is shining

In every cloud there's a silver lining

Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)

And every heartache makes you stronger

But it won't be much longer

You'll find love, you'll find peace

And the you you're meant to be

I know right now that's not the way you feel

But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself

What am I doing here anyway

With the weight of all those disappointments

Whispering in your ear

You're just barely hanging by a thread

You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath

And you don't know it yet

Find the strenth to rise above

You will

Find just what you're made of, you're made of

One day you will

oh one day you will

...............

How come this writer gets it and gets what is going on in my head, life, heart, and soul? Isn't it crazy how a song just says it all? Does this song help you like it helps me? I hope so. It helps me with the lies, the heartache, the unknown, the craziness, the overwhelming pain and thoughts. I just hope that maybe through all this crap of my life that maybe, just maybe one day I will be happy and love the way I was supposed to and will find the strength cause right now my life is unbalanced, uncertain, and I have to think of five little lives...my kids, Misha cause Misha is my protector and my first real live thing that I raised and my cats. All animals are around me as I type this. Lucy is in back of me on the chair and Misha and Kramer are on the rug in back of me. They are part of me and they are used to me always being here for them. And than I gotta make sure that I make me stronger to get through all this disappointment and rise above it all. So maybe some day I will...be happy, be loved, be me.