Puke

Grace went to sleep right at 8:30pm she is my good sleeper. Hunter went to bed at 9:15pm and is laying on his floor. He wanted nice warm milk and he was hiccuping and I told him to wait to drink it after he was done hiccuping cause I didn't want him to puke. Should have been my first clue. I went to read my magazine and to drink my warm Theraflu so I could go to bed and I heard Hunter crying. Went in his room and of course he puked. All over his pillow, blanket, and his under blanket that I put under him when he sleeps on the floor. Amazingly enough he didn't get it all over him I did have to change his pj's but I didn't have to toss him in the bathtub. Thank goodness cause I really didn't feel like doing it and than that would mean he would be up even longer. As I am undressing him he is talking about his puke and how the cats puke and they need to puke in their litter box and that he needs to get new litter for his floor so he can puke on it. I tell you things kids come up with. I had to tell him no he didn't need litter and that is only for the cats and it would be great if the cats puked in the litter instead of our floor and he said yes it would and that they needed to. He said he puked because of his nice warm milk and that he probably shouldn't have nice warm milk anymore cause it makes him puke on his pillow. I said yes he probably shouldn't. So I put his puked up bedding on the washing machine it will smell very nice tomorrow but I honestly don't feel good to clean it up right now and it is too much work. He is back in his bed with a new pillow a purple blanket we are pretending to use as a pillow and a new blanket aka the blanket that lays on papa's chair. As I am walking out he asks for nice warm milk and I said didn't it make you puke and he said yes and that he wants water. Crazy boy. So we will see how long he stays up now that he has an empty belly and water to drink. Please Lord let him fall asleep fast and not stay up till 10:45pm like last night. Gotta get back to my Theraflu. Theraflu take me away! Side note...this is my 3rd puke in Hunter's room with Hunter since Larry has been in Canada since last October. I think I have had my quota on puke and think that it is Larry's turn don't you all think?! :) No one tell Grace how to puke or I am a goner. Puke doesn't bug me it is just the hassle of cleaning it and trying to get the smell to go away and to make sure you got it all. Back to my Theraflu it is calling my name...

Getting sick.

I never get sick. But I am getting sick. Started Sunday night with a sore throat woke up with it had it all day yesterday and today and now I am coughing. Checked for strep today don't have it. I just hope I have some Theraflu in the cupboard and get a great night sleep. The kiddos once again are not being fair in the sleeping department. I blame it on their vitamins but I am trying to be a good mom and give them to them everyday and just power through with their sensative bellies. I hope I shake this cold today and it doesn't get deeper in my lungs cause I will be up a creek. Lots to do this week and kiddos to take care of and work to power through.

Miss Bella did great yesterday with her heart surgery and I even got a picture of her when she was at the hospital texted to me to my phone. Made my day cause then I knew she really was ok and it was all over with and she was coming home! Yeah to the Elliott family that ordeal is done!

Tomorrow is the Knopp funeral, I believe. Totally feel for this family. I am so thankful everynight that I have my children with me. I can't even imagine what they are going through and what happens tomorrow and the rest of their lives. Feel, feel, feel for them.

Random

My days and evenings are getting so full this week I can't believe it! I need some down time tonight with my kiddos cause Thursday is full and I am not going to hang out with them much on my day off. Only two more Thursdays off and than full time! Exciting and sad at the same time. I am so about budgeting my money and it will make me feel better for the extra cash to put towards credit cards. I sold Grace's little crib last friday and I am so excited about that and now I have to figure out how to make my pictures smaller for me to post a double stroller and co-sleeper on Craig's list. If anyone is interested I am selling the double stroller for $40 and the co-sleeper for $25. I am about selling stuff and getting rid of clutter right now cause I am praying that our house sells soon and doesn't take a year to sell. But I haven't figured out yet where we go when we sell the house. Still up in the air but I gotta figure out Plan A and Plan B. Hunter has not been the greatest at listening very well and not eating much so I am working on those issues and potty training still I hope this weekend we just chill and I can do it full force. Cross your fingers for me!

1st Photography class!

I bet you thought I forgot to post something today?! I didn't I just had a very busy day and my evening went out later than I thought. I went to my first photography class it was basic photography and I learned alot and it was pretty fun. I guess there is two more classes one tomorrow night and another monday night but that is for advanced photography and I didn't sign up for that but that would be my next one. But I will try to grab it on another month or when it is offered again cause it goes over how to work your camera. So here is just a little bit that I learned cause I got to go to bed. When you are taking a picture of a group figure out the background first and the lighting and than put your people in front of it, if you budget to buy a camera for $2000 buy a $400 camera and a $1600 lens cause cameras are camera's but where it all is at is in the lens, don't put your subject in the middle of the shot add variety and put them on the side or somewhere that is unique, do only 1 or 2 colors don't use alot of colors because then the person looking will not tell what your subject or theme is, patterns are interesting but patterns that are interrupted are dynamic.

There you go! 2.5 hours of photography and I learned alot more but it is all about shutters, modes, and metering but to confusing to post. I hope to take another class maybe next month and finish out the advanced or take a photoshop photography class because that is what I really want to do is be able to understand that program so I can work with the pics I take of my kids and places we go.

Night everyone I got to check on my babies since I didn't put them down tonight. Thanks mom and wayne for watching the kiddos and staying longer cause of my teacher talking so much! Hope you feel better mom!

Easter!

It was a good Easter. We had Easter last Sunday with my mom and Easter dinner with my mom on Friday and than Robinson's this morning and I cooked a non-Easter dinner for my mom and Wayne this evening cause I had a haircut in the middle of the day on Easter. Crazy I know but they were open. It was a good Easter but I honestly wish that Larry was here to experience it with us. I am glad it is the last holiday we have to do this way with him in Canada and will see what time brings for the rest of the holiday's after Canada. I got a text from him today it was nice. It made my Easter. Happy Easter everyone. Thanks to all the family for letting us have a fun Easter this year and for all the Easter gifts and goodies.

Dancing!

Finally got my camera to work thanks mom for the cord! Here is a video I have wanted to post of Grace dancing. Enjoy she islistening to Faith Hill, I think. Sorry it is dark and I took it before she went to bed that is why she has her passy and her blanket.

I wasn't very smart today!

I got so much done but I did do mistakes and I just have to laugh about it. The first one was when I put the kids and Misha in the car to go to Home Depot and locked the doors I went to the shed to find the can of paint for the walls and to get the stroller out that I want to sell on craigslist. Well I was taking forever to find the paint and I found two that were close to the right color and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't find the right name on the cans. I though maybe it just wore off. Honestly I did. Got back to the car and the kiddos. During nap time I painted the spots on the walls but it was alot darker and I thought it would just lightened as it dried. Well it didn't by the time Hunter woke up it was still the same color so I distracted him with Little Einstein and went to the shed again while Grace slept. Finally found the Toasted Cashew that I was looking for and couldn't believe I had just put the color that the previous owner had on the walls before us. Crazy I know but I didn't think we kept it. Got back in the house and of course Hunter was all about helping me. So that was my first not so smart thing.

The second. A few weeks back I saw a cute idea for cupcakes for Easter and I wanted to make it for all the family members for tomorrow. It was a cupcake with a Peeps on it. I do not like Peeps but I thought it was cute. I bought everything for them a few weeks back and stored it above my fridge. Well I wanted to make hard boiled eggs tomorrow for the Robinson's get together just in case we wanted to color eggs again and I had a busy afternoon and evening out and about that when we got home Grace went to sleep and Hunter was still up. I knew I had to boil the eggs and still make the cupcakes and get Hunter down and not be up all night. So I thought I would try to start doing all this without him knowing cause I knew he would love to help but than wouldn't go to bed till after ten. So I boiled a dozen eggs cooled them and put them back in the carton. That was all done and Hunter was none the wiser. So I figured out what cupcake trays I was going to use and what color to use for the papers and I was so excited about what colors I had chosen. Can you tell where this is going? Yep I got out my cool mixing bowl and put the powder in and went to get the eggs for it and realized I had hard boiled all the eggs! Dummy. I was so bummed. I looked at the nasty, cute purple and blue Peeps and knew it wasn't going to work. I was so sad I wanted to do this for the family and suprise them all that I backed cupcakes and I wanted to give them to them as a thank you and I couldn't even make them cause I didn't think it all out! :( So the next time I am at the store I will get more eggs make them and then give them to family after way after Easter. But I tried. It is the thought that counts, right? They would have been cute. They will be when I make them cause the Peeps can't stay in my house I don't like to eat them :). So there you go I wasn't very smart today.

Today, I was praying all day and thinking about others today. I realized that my drama is not as bad as what other people are going through and I need to take another step back and not complain so much about my life. Today, I found out that a family I used to know at Canby Alliance lost their daughter in a car crash she was 18 and the last time I saw their daughter she was about 8 and I had helped teach her younger sister in one of my sunday school classes. She was driving with her little brother who I also taught in one of my sunday school classes and he was hurt but the last I heard he was going to live. I am so heart broken for this family. They almost lost 2 out of 3 of there kids and to know they lost one is just heart wrenching. They are the sweetest family in the world and their whole family is amazing. I wouldn't know what to do if I had lost one of my babies let alone both. I can't even imagine. I was and still am thinking of this family and as I was complaining of saying I don't want to do this anymore this family was grieving the loss of their oldest daughter and hoping their youngest would be ok. I am feeling pretty selfish about how I complained I have nothing to complain about compared to what this family is going through. My heart and prayers are with them and their extended family.

Another family my sweet friend, Cammie, her family is going through a hard weekend too. Their big girl, Bella, who is 2 months older than Hunter has to have heart surgery on Monday. I could not even imagine what is going on or through their heads waiting and inticipating what will happen and getting ready for Monday. I know what it was like for us when Hunter had his colonoscopy and that was tough for us but this is Bella's heart. Totally different. I am pretty sure and very hopeful that it will all go well but just knowing she has to have it done isn't fun or going to be easy but they have so many people, me included praying for her and I know she will come out of this surgery with flying colors. But again I am being selfish about my drama and it is nothing compared to my friend and her husband and their family getting ready for Monday.

So to my friends out there that are praying for me. If you could add these two families to your prayer list that would be awesome and alot of you probably already have them on but spread the word a little more prayer will go along way!

Honey-do list

I did my own Honey-do list today. Since I don't have Larry here to help me do things I just did it on my own sort of. The kids, Misha, and I went to Home Depot got a small brush, one single paper of sandpaper, and new kitchen blinds. Used a gift card saved some money and spent $5. Nice. One kid asleep the other on his floor talking away and hopefully falling asleep soon. But I was able to sand and paint the holes in the walls that Wayne fixed weeks ago while he was talking away in the dark. I will have to have help putting up the new kitchen blind since Lucy put a hole through the one that is up so she could see outside. That is it for my list. Not much but at least it is a start. Now I got to finish Grace's tie blanket, take pictures of a stroller that I want to sell on craig's list, then order pictures for some frames that have been sitting on the computer desk, then after the kiddos wake up heading to Canby and cleaning out annie's attic of our kids accesories minus the clothes and gonna try and sell them to people or on Craig's list and if not there than in a garage sale hopefully soon. Trying to declutter again and set aside money to sell this house! Gotta go cause I got to do more on my Honey-do list. :)

Took a step back.

About an hour ago I took a step back in my overwhelmingness of this up and coming weekend and realized something. People have been telling me but I am slow and so much has been going on that I forgot about this part of my drama.

Larry left me.
Larry left the kids.

He might not think it this way but this is what happened. He walked out of this relationship wanting separation to see what he wanted because he was not happy and he left us and went to stay elsewhere to think about this all and he needs space and time to see if he can let me back in. But he really left me and the kids. I was taking this all personally and I should and I shouldn't. I honestly have given it my all to get us back together I would even forgive him for having feelings for another girl and for doing this to us. I get why he did honestly I do. But you know what?

He knows were I stand but he has decide whether to come back or not. But. He left me. He left me and the kids. I have given it my all to this point. He has to want to come back. He needs to want to come back. He left and he has to realize he wants back and it isn't up to me it is up to him. He has to show me he is in this to win it or not. I have done everything he needs to either get out or fight to get me and the kids back. Am I wrong about this? He has to bend over backwards and forwards to get back in this to want it for him, for me, for the family. If he doesn't that is his choice because he did this separation he got it this bad he wanted more time he wanted more space he wanted out and to be separate from me and the kids. He walked out. So he should do everything in his power to get back in or get out. Right? All I have to do is take care of my family and see what God brings? Right? I have done my all and Larry knows what I thought a week ago and now it is up to him to bring whatever to the plate. Am I thinking logically about this? I think I am. But I am so emotionally and physically in this I am not sure but at the moment I am all about being stronger and I think that Larry has brought so much out in the open that I have done my best to show him I love him and I have went to counseling that it is in his court and if he still loves me and wants to make this marriage work he needs to fight and want my love if not than he needs to let us go and make us both happy somewhere down the line. Right? So I took a step back again and realized that I deserve to feel loved. I have been showing Larry that I love him he should feel like a stallion and if he doesn't than he needs to let this go and let us both move on with our lives. And if he still loves me and is keeping it at bay than it is his lose cause he needs to fight for our marriage and not think about it so much cause I am ready to get to fixing it and making it better but if he isn't than it is his lose. I didn't leave he did and he needs to want to fight to get me back.

So I am back to saying "Bring it"! to Larry's time and space! I know I go back and forth on this but I am a girl I have feelings, emotions and longings. I am for my family being together but I don't know how long I can keep up this feeling I need some sign from Larry a text, and email, a call...something to keep me going and than I am good. But if Larry wants back he needs to work for it cause I am worth it! Right?! I didn't marry to just give it a chance I married for life I didn't do the first 7 years correctly according to all that I have been told so far but bring it! I can do the next 50 years! Now that I am getting help and I just have to have Larry on board and being honest and communicating and if he isn't than let me find closure so I can go on with my life with or without another man.

Pink Tulips

Today Grace, my mom and Wayne brought me pink tulips to me at work this afternoon. It was a nice treat. They are very pretty and are sitting in my kitchen under the window. I love having flowers in my kitchen. Sorry about the sad post earlier I am just in a funk I need to be thankful for the things around me like my kids and flowers. I just am sad and I don't want to be sad anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

That is all I keep telling myself the last 1/2 hour. I don't want to live in limbo anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to know if Larry doesn't love me or does. I don't want to wait for him to decide I am worth coming back to. I don't want to go through weekends not knowing what is going on and if he is having a great time in Canada or not. I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't know how to make it stop. Everyone says just give Larry time but what about me? They want me to get stronger and I am some days but than I am weak the next. I just don't want to do this anymore can anyone please make it stop? Once again I need prayer cause I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to have to do this till July. I don't know what to do and I don't want to do this anymore. Last week I knew what I wanted this week I am just more confused. All I want to do is talk to Larry and I know that isn't what he wants or is it. I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to feel beautiful and loved and I am just feeling the exact opposite and I don't even know anymore if it is worth it. I don't know what to think anymore I just want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask? I just don't want to do this anymore.

wrong

So I was wrong on how many pounds I have lost, thank goodness! I have only lost 16 total so that makes me feel alot better and yes I am eating and drinking my Ensure thanks to my mom!

The weekend is almost here and I don't like weekends anymore and I am trying not to let them get to me but this one involves another holiday. I thought I was ok with no more holiday's but with Easter I started stressing and feeling overwhelmed. I think the part that I really don't like is that Larry is missing out on another holiday with the kids. I am not meaning that I like to do them by myself I certainly don't but I feel bad that he doesn't get to participate and see their smiles and see what happens. I know when he has the kids that is the part I don't like is I am missing out on something they are doing and I really don't like that. But I think Easter will be ok all the family is letting me and the kids be a part of it so that is nice. I have to get better at my weekends. I think I am just overwhelmed with it all cause it is just me and the kids and I still have no clue what my future holds. I tried to get some answers from Larry so I could make it through the weekends but I am once again going through them with no answers. I am trying to think positive and keep thinking that Larry said he will remember all that I said but I hope it makes a difference. My new fear is that he is getting used to not being around me for weeks and weekends on it so that is making it easier for him to move on without me. Silly I know but I just want some communication from him cause then I know where I stand. People say that Larry might be taking baby steps to get back into our marriage but it still hurts me that he is and that I am not worth just breaking his wall and letting me in. But I gotta deal with it. Sorry I am so down I just didn't get much sleep with both kids waking me up and than I ended up sleeping on the couch at 5:30am and I am just dreading this weekend. I got 3 to deal with and the first one is always the hardest than the second one gets easier than the third I am doing ok but than Larry comes home the next and I am back to wondering what my life will bring me and if I am going to be disappointed again and told I have to wait more which isn't good for my ego and self-esteem.

Sad

I am very sad that Trader Joe's does not have alphabet pasta! This is the third time I have went and it is not there! Argh! Oh well I still didn' ask a sales person if it was gone forever. And the reason is because of my shopping buddy who is right beside me with his little cart! I would have to say the last trip to Trader Joe's, which was this weekend, he was so excited to go and get a cart and there wasn't any and I noticed lots of kids there so I told him we had to wait. So we went through the meat and cheese and than the bread and veggies and he was very patient then we rounded the corner after the bread and there was a cart and he was so excited he asked if he could get it and I said yes and he ran to it got it and came back to my cart and wanted me to put something in it! The Trader Joe's people were very nice a young girl came up to us at the end and asked if they could have a balloon and I said yes and by the time we got to the register she hadn't found us and we were almost out the door and she remembered us and gave both kids balloons! Grace was in heaven. Both balloons and kids had a ball in the car. Misha wasn't too excited in the back seat she isn't a fan of balloons being put in her face. Hope alphabet pasta comes back to Trader Joe's soon!

Thursday's

My day off is Thursday's. But I only have two more Thursday's off and than I am back to full time weeks M-F. I asked DeOna a few weeks ago if I could cause in my head I couldn't see me being a single mom of two working 32 hours a week and making it by also I was going crazy with being alone on the weekends and then on Thursday with my kids that I needed to keep myself busy. Her and Dr. D said yes so I have two more dentist appts to deal with more cavities and than I will start. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I honestly will miss my time with the kids on that day and trying to sleep in with them and doing laundry all day but I don't know what my future holds so I got to start somewhere.

Today I had two cavities worked on and I am losing my numbness and it isn't bad again so maybe this cavity stuff will pan out for me. Will see. My ear is numb still again but hopefully that will last a day and I can hear blood pressures tomorrow.

I had my physical today and found out that I have lost a total of 20 pounds since this began. Which suprised me I thought I was doing good and I didn't think I had lost 5 more since the last time I went on the scale at Davies. Not sure if the electrical one was right but I check tomorrow at work. I really don't want to be losing this much weight and I honestly not trying but this all isn't fun for me in my head, body, and mind and then put the kids on top of it, then working, then cleaning the house, taking care of Misha, and going throughout my day wondering what Larry will decide. I have been eating better I am up to a total of 10 Cadbury eggs this season! That is pretty good!

I am still not liking the no communication with Larry. It is tough for me I just want to see if he is doing ok and just hear his voice. Sappy I know and I don't even know if I am even a thought in his head. It is all about the kids from what I can tell and hear.

Grace loves apples! She can say apple. She has to have the peel on it. Did I tell you all she is growing a molar? Crazy girl! My kids are taking showers now. I haven't been able to get Hunter in a bath for awhile so next best thing was the shower. Grace sits in the back and gets all wet and Hunter stands up and cleans himself. Pretty cute.

Misha went to the dentist with me today. She wasn't thrilled but my mom told the kids they were going for a walk so Misha thought she was included so I didn't want to leave her out so she got to go in a car ride with me. I took the kids for a walk after nap and we went to the baseball field and I let Misha loose and she actually listened and stayed close to us and ran around us but didn't go to far. Thank goodness. The kids found a mud puddle on the baseball field and got their tennis shoes soaked. We came back home and went in the back yard and played in the sandbox and Misha layed in the very long green grass. It was a nice evening.

The kids like to lay on my bed that we lowered to the floor. Hunter gets in my covers and plays on my phone or his leapster and Grace reads books or plays with her house. I play on my phone or read my books and we just hang out with each other, or tickle each other or wrestle. Fun!

Naked. My iphone is naked now. I had a really cute pink case for it but when we went to the beach last it got alot of sand in it and it is really old and scuffed so I took off the case and my iphone is caseless and I kinda like it. DeOna doesn't have a case on hers and it is so smooth to the touch so I am trying not to be cool like her but I think I am going to give it a try and save some bucks and not get a new case!

Numb

The whole right side of my face and to my ear is numb. Got 2 more cavities fixed today and they had to numb me up twice. Lovely. I am thinking this isn't going to be as easy as last thursday was with the 3 done up top. Wish me luck. Got another appointment this afternoon and I hope that I am not this numb cause I gotta talk. Hope the kiddos go down well for their nap so I better get to that.